Haven't posted here for quite awhile, but have been lurking on and off, and feel the need to respond.
I too went to my first AA meeting ever this past sunday night.. after a long depressing month of being in and out of a place of such darkness.. suicidal.. and indulging in much wine.. instead of getting another bottle sunday, I decided to go to AA instead of heading to the L.C.B.O for another bottle of numbing liquid. As the numbing feeling only lasts the night, and then the next day the depression, wishes to die.. ect are back at you even stronger.
Up until this last month, I did not think I had a problem, as it was always a friday or saturday night thing. This past month, well, something snapped in me, and it was the only thing that helped me feel a little happiness in between the depression, suicidal thoughts and self hatred. It seemed to be the only thing that helped me sleep.
I too had an issue with the God thing, and the lords prayer. I am not sure why though, but I let it go. I guess something inside of me just said, I am here to stay alive.. and I can ignore the things I dont like. I attended another meeting tuesday night and then again wednesday morning and feel that due to the place I've been in this past month, I can ignore the preachy part of God. I decided I would think of God as "just something out there".. and take advantage of the individuals who really understood where I was. I will go again tonight, as I don't want to be alone. At least making a commitment to something, like going to another group, gives one a commitment to live.
I have read a few other sad posts on depression/alcoholism and suicide here the past few days and truely hope that all who are there, or tend to go there to that dark place take themselves to an AA meeting, if only for a hand to hold and people who genuinely understand you.
To me, at this point, its life or death I am looking at if I don't go. I will share something here, I am ashamed of it today, but I did it. Very recently I wrote my first ever suicide letter to the world, cleaned out my emails preparing to end it all. Lost important emails due to my crazy moment. That night, in a state of complete devestation I ended up finally going to my bed in a state of tears. I lay there, my radio was on, and I don't know how this happened, but every single song that came on over and over were songs with the message "dont give up", this of course made me cry more. Before I finally fell asleep, the last song I heard was the song that means alot to me remembering my brother who was an alcoholic/addict whom killed himself 3 years ago this coming spring. I thought to myself while crying "wtf" what is going on here? It made me think, ok, is there something out there.. is it God.. is it loved ones who have passed on there for me. I don't have that answer, but I believe it was something other than just the radio station conveniently playing songs that would shake my soul.
All who are struggling.. ignore the parts you dont like about AA and such groups.. just go..
LTF
