They really aren't concerned with the every day publisher. Especially if you had been DISCIPLINED. We don't matter anymore.
I SECOND that. I once had an elder (one who had been on my judicial committee, and so knew of all my struggles, and how genuine I was) make a disparaging remark in response to my excitement about my new bible student that it would only be a matter of time before I dropped the ball on that one. They EXPECT you to fail if you have been DISCIPLINED. It's only a matter of time, in their eyes.
I'm not angry or bitter. I'm not practicing either. I'm inactive. I do not consider myself a Jehovah's Witness. I am so sorry for the mind games you have been put through. I don't know how else to say this but you will be much happier when you relinquish their control over you and live your life according to your own conscience, not the one the WTS prescribed for you.
Your elders believe it's only a matter of time until you fall away. Why don't you use that as a welcome reason to fade away from them, take some time for yourself, do your own REAL research, and prove the truth to yourself. Stick around here too; there are lots of wonderful people who understand what you have been through. I am one of them, was disfellowshipped for years, never missed a meeting the entire time I was disfellowshipped.
Peace,
Rachel