Ok, this is a totally self serving thread, please excuse the me me me attitude this will have, but I have to vent, and this is the place I do it best.
I just got done starting research on Eryn/Eclispegate and realized I have been away for a bit. It's insane the scandals that go through this place. I can assure you I am real, and I hope those who know me would say I am as real in person as here. I love everyone, no matter who is pissed at whom, I care about everyone I know. If you are my friend and hate the guts of another friend from here...I have news for you...I care for you both and would extend the same courtesy to either of you regardless of who I think is right. That is me. Deal with it. The term would be "unconditional". Now I may not let you move in or have my phone number even, but that's for my own sanity.
With that out of the way I need to thank a couple of people, I am so sorry is it so late in coming. Thank you miss Crumpet (who can make the most ridiculous thing sound insanely intelligent), and Hemplover for your hospitality. For those who do not know this, I ran into trouble in December because my clients had not paid me, AND I took off to be with my kids, and gave them their first real Christmas. I was going to make the dinner only and then hope I had enough gas to get home and get my check.. These two, especially Crumpet, financed me staying there for the fest which did me so much good. Crumpet is a good friend to have, she gives without any expectaions at all, very hard to find. I got home and had 6 dollars in my pocket, but I wouldn't have done that if not for some great people. And thank you for not telling anyone, I felt like a real loser.
Now here we are...what's up with me. I've said it before about this place, and it's doing it again. I have had some major experiences and now find myself on the wrong end of an emotional meat grinder. I somehow tricked myself into believing that I had an accurate view of my role on other people's lives, and I adjusted theirs in mine accordingly. Recently I have come to realize that my role is similar to a finger dipped in a glass of water, if you take it out...it really doesn't change anything because you don't take up that much space in the first place.
Even worse is if there are things you treasure beyond any others, special things that mean nothing, but mean everything in certain relationships (everything is a relationship). When you communicate that, what it is, what it means, the fact that is something you hope to share between you and another soul, and then the person you hope to share it with experiences it with someone else, but not with you, or even maybe just makes it obvious that what you love so much means jack sh*t, and is aware of what it means to you at the time, there is no word more appropriate than devastating.
For instance, my father had a motorcycle that I loved. I LOVED it, mainly because it was his. I took it out sometimes, tried to repair what I could, but he didn't like giving me money for it. But it was a 57 Honda, and it looked neat all cleaned up and running good. He sold it for 50 bucks. I thought it was a big deal. He didn't...and I should not have been upset, according to him.
So there is a good example of a major realignment of what you are to someone. I have had several recently...SEVERAL. Something that means so much to me because it is special, reserved to be shared with someone I feel a certain way about, is just thrown on the ground and pissed on right in front of my face. It makes me wonder why I am not yet bitter and sour to the point no one gets anything out of me unless I'm getting something. I give in the hopes that it will be there for me one day purely because I do the good thing. I love because I care for the person and don't shore it up with protections for myself, so they see what is real and true, and can tell instantly I am as real as it fucking gets, because I give people the ability to hurt me so they know I am genuine. I think I do it to make up for the years of horrible things I did to so many people.
Then we have karma, which I don't believe in literally, but I do believe you pay for what you have done, even things done in ignorace. Boy, do you ever pay in full, with interest, and you get no notice it's coming due.
I have had several instances where the collector is pretty harsh...this one has damned near ripped my heart out.
I am, for the first time in a long time, genuinely afraid of who I am about to become. There are some very dark days ahead for me, rebuilding how I define love, empathy, integrity, and trust is a task I never envisioned taking on.
I'm really going to need you guys for this, I seriously don't know how I even feel right now. Sometimes these eyes of mine, or more accurately my mind's eyes are a curse in that for myself I see what I want to see...but don't we all?
Here we go again...rebuild.