Elder's Wife Apologizes In Tears for Shunning Me Yesterday

Seeker4

Had a really interesting experience I thought some here might like to hear about.

My JW ex-wife and I still own a house together, (she lives in it and a non-JW adult son is living there with her temporarily), not to mention the three kids and seven grandkids we share, so we interact quite a bit, e-mailing, calling or seeing each other a few times a week or so. I'm still doing some remodeling to our house. Also, she had a foot operation a couple of weeks ago, and I've stopped by almost every day to help with the dog, get my ex a meal or do things that need to be done, especially the first week or so after the operation.

I was there Sunday afternoon, and she told me that an elder and his wife were doing some shopping for her, and would be dropping the food off. Now this elder and I were best friends from our pre-teen days, his parents were like a mom and dad to me, and I helped train him as an elder and we served together for decades. We vacationed several times with them, and were part of their wedding party.

My truck was parked in front of the house, and I figured they would realize that I was there, though when I think about it, hell, I don't know what kind of vehicle they drive, why should they know that about mine?

Anyway, they stop by, and my son lets them in. The husband, "Ed", stays in the kitchen talking to my son, while his wife, "Tina," comes into the living room where my ex and I are talking. She talks to my wife, and avoids looking at me or acknowledging me in any way. I'm polite, stand there and just listen to the conversation, but make no effort to "disappear." Hey, I own the house! This is the second time I've been shunned in my own house, (the last time, a few weeks ago, from a JW that I used to talk to when she was Dfed!!) and it grates on me, but I'm getting used to it.

After a few minutes they head out, and Ed, my elder friend, smiles and winks at me as they leave. I don't remember him saying anything, but he acknowledged me in his way. A minute later, I see Tina heading back into the house, and I tell my son, who lets her in. I'm still in the living room talking to my ex, who wonders out loud if Tina is coming back because there was something missed when they brought in the food.

Just then Tina walks into the living room, tears running down her cheeks. "Seeker4, I've got something to say to you," she said.

I'm calm, but a bit concerned, half expecting her to blast me for leaving the Witnesses and leaving my wife, and to have her call me a few choice names as she told me what a disappointment I was to everyone. It was far from that.

"I want to apologize to you, S4," she said, obviously deeply distressed. "It was really rude of me to to ignore you like that and I feel awful for doing it."

That isn't word-for-word, but it's the gist of what she said. I stood watching her, very calm, my hands in my pockets. I glance over at my wife, and we have this sympathetic look for Tina that passes between us. Tina explained that she was caught off guard by my being there, and didn't know how to act.

Then, Tina repeats it again, how sorry she is for being rude. "I appreciate that, Tina," I told her. "Please say hi to Ed for me." Then she left.

I was deeply touched by her actions, and I've been pondering them. I think I was watching someone break down in a way from trying to maintain a cognitive dissonance about JW shunning. I mean, there she was, this old friend, standing not five feet from me, and feeling that, to obey the dictates of the WTS, she had to ignore me in my own home, in front of my son even.

This kind, intelligent woman, to be a "good" JW, had to be rude to an old friend in a way that she wouldn't normally act toward someone she hated! That action made her break down when she left the house. It was completely contrary to both her nature and to common decency, not to mention the basic tenets of Jesus' teachings.

Ed and Tina are lifelong JWs, and I doubt that they will ever leave the organization, but I imagine that there are times when deep in their hearts they really question what the WTS has taught them and requires of them.

It touched my heart to see they were willing to embrace a moment of true humanity and compassion, despite the dictates of the Org.

S4

AudeSapere

Seeker4 wrote: [She] had to be rude to an old friend in a way that she wouldn't normally act toward someone she hated!

I think this sort of cognitive control is what makes many people wake up the the inhumane dictates of the WTS.

For years prior to my own departure, I tried to make some semblence of understanding of this reasoning. If we are to treat DF'd people just 'as one of the nations' (or some such verbage), then why were we treating them so poorly? We wouldn't *dare* be that cold and rude to any worldly person. We may not invite them to our homes or eat with them or spend hours and hours with them, but we sure wouldn't treat worldly people as if they didn't even exist.

I always felt this scripture was mis-interpreted and over-enforced. I asked a few people about the seeming inappropriateness of 'shunning' but obviously never got a reasonable answer.

I thought it was just me - not able to understand the subtler interpretations that came to us by the FDS.

I'm glad this woman still had a heart. And you know? I don't think she would have this response if you had called her on it or had left the room. She needed to feel the full force of her own behavior, on her own terms. Painful indeed.

Thanks for sharing

-Denise.

troubled mind

Good for her !

I remember being in positions like that when i was still in the brain washing cult . On one hand you feel you have to be loyal to God and uphold the crazy rules , but on the other hand common sense is kicking you upside the head screaming be civil . It drove me mad at times fighting within myself to do the Right thing .

I really think she may have crossed a threshold there ...

BizzyBee

What a great experience. Apparently there is still a human heart beating inside of her. You showed amazing restraint, which probably softened her, too.

dawg

Sounds like she's a person struggling with her inner thoughts and deamons concerning the borg... she may be one that wakes up one day.

BabaYaga

This is a beautiful thing. Good for her. We can only hope.

Dagney

I applaud Tina for following through on her feelings rather than just brushing them off. Nice experience.

A similar thing happened to me when I was in, that I regret to this day. I was caught off guard running into a DF'd person and shunned them, even though it didn't feel right. It bothered me something awful, and I asked around to find out if anyone knew her status and where she was. I think it turned out she was reinstated and living out of area. I resolved if our paths ever crossed I would tell her how I felt and apologize for my behavior. It still bothers me to this day.

The good thing is the experience started a thought process in my brain about the whole shunning thing and if it was scripturally sound. It was one of the issues that finally made me leave.

seven006

Seeker,

I really didn’t know your name was really Seeker4 until you told this story. Your parents must have had a great a sense of humor. Or you were just one hell of an ugly baby.

It’s amazing what it might be that creates a glitch in a persons hard wired JW programming. Sounds like a little honesty and self realization in an unexpected moment might have done it for her. We all have been there. It all has to start somewhere.

Thanks for the sharing 4.

Dave

minimus

Seeker4, I was thinking the same thing Dave said about your name. Perhaps these Witnesses just started getting sick of calling you Seeker4 all these years. Who can blame them?

This elder's wife and her winking husband "know" what's wrong here but they can not do anything about it, can they? Or can they???

Open mind

Thanks for sharing this Seeker4!

I think you handled it perfectly.

Not "foaming at the mouth, in their face" but also not scurrying like a cockroach from the "light" of JWs.

OM

Elder's Wife Apologizes In Tears for Shunning Me Yesterday

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