How do I go out with new ex-dub friends with my wife still in? Tell or lie (page 2)

cognizant dissident

That is a tough call, Oompa. Normally, I would just say, set your boundary and stick to it, and she'll adjust. That's what I did with my husband. He knows I have met some apostates from this board, he doesn't like it, but I didn't ask and he is not a real controlling guy. He didn't turn me in because he doesn't like to make waves and he knows me well enough to know I am at the point where I will tell any elders to get stuffed if they should try to tell me what to do in any area of my life. However, I was just as scared and anxious at the beginning of my fade of my husband's and the elder's reactions. Funny, as soon as I dealt with my own fear and decided I would be true to myself, come what may, it was like everyone could sense that and nobody even tried to bully meafter that. It's like they are scared of me now! I love it! My father did try to bully me a couple of times, but I stood my ground and even he backed down and he is a PO! He hasn't turned me in either.

I do realize though, that JW's do not view things normally, blow things out of proportion and feel perfectly justified in telling a 43 year old man who he may talk to on the internet and who he may play with. Nutty, but true. So, I guess I would say, if you are not prepared at this time to deal with the hassle of the repercussions, then play it cool for now. Just do what you think will cause you the least amount of hassle for now until you are ready to deal with your wife and the elders. You need to be in a strong frame of my mind and confident to pull off the confrontations. Your wife may need some time to adjust to your new lifestyle. If you want to save your marriage then consider her feelings even if you have to make some sacrifices for now. You can gradually add more and more worldly activities to your life as she gets used to the idea. It shouldn't have to be that way, you shouldn't have to make a choice between having a wife and having some outside friends but for now, you may have to make your marriage your first priority.

Cog

Samuel Thorsen

You don't have to tell, but it's not lying. It's just theocratical warfare.

LouBelle

does she have to know that they are ex jdubs? they are just friends now..

cognac

sounds like you want to go out at night - that's a bit more difficult.

I went to a meet-up during the day and I was just like, "I'm going out, see you later"... Didn't get questioned on it...

i mean, she knows your not going to the meetings, she can't expect you to have no friends or only friends she approves of... Ask her to join you... Or, just tell her how you feel, it's usually easier that way. I'm betting she'd have a bt more compassion then you think... But, of course, this could backfire also, so be careful...

sweetface2233

Oompa, why are you so open and honest about your feelings w/ us (perfect strangers) and you can't address them w/ your WIFE, the person you vowed to love, honor, cherish, and DEEPLY RESPECT? You can live w/ her, have children w/ her, make love to her, but you can't open up and talk to her?

momzcrazy

Oompa, go out and have fun. I am glad you have found friends you like to be around. Simply tell your wife you are going to see friends. Don't make it any more complicated that it has to be. If she asked how you met them, tell her through your son.

Have fun. You deserve it.

momz

OnTheWayOut

This is the rock and the hard place.

I started meeting with ex-JW's and making friends among them, and my
wife was concerned about my "secret" life. She's over that, she knows that
I am meeting with people who are my support, but she assumes they are
from A.A. (some of them are). I don't think my wife is ready to hear that I
meet openly with DF'ed people, but I am caring less and less as time goes
by.

You have to worry about your wife's concerns about what you are doing or
you have to worry about your wife "turning you in." In my case, if the wife
was pretty sure I was stepping out on her, I would tell her who the people
I meet with really are. As long as I can put her at ease, I will wait on that.

Bumble Bee

Do you have to tell her they are DF'd? I believe in being honest with my husband, and he with me. We have no secrets, no matter how painful something is, we talk about it. That is now, but it wasn't always like that, and it wasn't easy to get where we are now, but it can be done. (We had to undo all the years of JW thinking and undo how our parents f8cked us up!)

When I left the JW's he was still in, if only mentally. I made non JW friends, went out with them, met up with DF'd people (mouthy being one of them, the most well known apostate in the tri cities area! lol). I even went and tried out several churches, and he always knew where I was going and who I was with. I didn't ask permission, and neither does he when he goes out.

Honesty, while not always easy, is really the best. Hiding things from a spouse is just asking for problems.

BB

oompa

sweetface:
Oompa, why are you so open and honest about your feelings w/ us (perfect strangers) and you can't address them w/ your WIFE, the person you vowed to love, honor, cherish, and DEEPLY RESPECT? You can live w/ her, have children w/ her, make love to her, but you can't open up and talk to her?

You should try improv comedy sweetface...really! It is one thing to address things here, with perfect strangers....BECAUSE WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON! We think like real, normal, people now remember? And we don't have kids, not that that matters, the rest is true. The whole point of this post was to try and figure out just HOW honest I have to be.

It is not so simple to say I'm just going out with friends...cause she thinks she knows ALL my friends and vice versa....we have always had the same all dub friends...period. She already isn't crazy about me hanging out with my own 22yr old dad son, much less his friends. And so to ask "but you can't open up and talk to her?" is really not the right question. I love being open and honest with her, but with the properly trained Christian (JW) conscience she is so proud of her, or my Dad, would feel that they were doing me a frickin favor by ratting me out to the elders again. So the question is, am I willing to open up and take the risk, or does she love me enough to understand and respect my privacy (notice I did not say HEADSHIP puke puke, I aint stoopin that low).........................................................oompa

momzcrazy

This is my suggestion, as one who was a bit*&y JW wife once upon a time ago, say "I am going out. I will have my cell phone of you need me. I will be home _____" Do what you say you will. Be there when you say. If she asks tell her you had a great time thanks for asking. Be honest as to where you went, so obviously go somewhere you aren't ashamed of saying.

My husband basically did what I have said above. The only problem I had with it all was the coming home at 3 am, or even not until a whole weekend went by. I wasn't able to reach him, and he was loathe to be around his wife and kids. We were like the plague. That has evened out now. I now have no issue with him going out, he always comes home. So long as he gives his family time, I don't resent the time he takes for himself.

Hope it helps. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with all this.

momz

How do I go out with new ex-dub friends with my wife still in? Tell or lie

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