Today I am officially lonely (page 2)

worldtraveller

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse
and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little
hunter" I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
my advantage.

This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of th e stairs. I am convinced that the
other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to
be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

Cat

Sad emo

Ok wings, c'mere!

I'm gonna be out of a job at the end of next week, not sure how I'll pay the bills. Fortunately I have mortgage insurance so I won't have to worry about the biggest bill. Other than that, I'll get paid about £55 (US$110) per week to pay for all the other stuff like food and utility bills - so pass me the fork when you're done with it lol!

Seriously, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, and your mum having a stroke too - hopefully they'll be able to rehab her and get her speech back. Finally your sister won't talk to you - that's her loss, she's doing it to provoke a reaction from you - I know its hard but try not to give her what she wants - then you'll find yourself smiling at how pissed off she gets!!

We'll both come through our trials, just hang in there if that's all you can do for now

cognac

Hey! Sent you a PM...

Hope you feel better.

willdabeerman

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"- Hope it helps at least a little.

journey-on

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a
date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have
to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and
impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am
sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted... (Hugs to you friend)

Sad emo

A fantastic and appropriate to JWD caption on http://icanhascheezburger.com/ (really good site to surf when you're down, stressed etc!)

Nathan Natas

On beautiful spring day, a man is driving down a country back road, just enjoying the scenery and taking his time, when suddenly something darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the thing when he realizes that it has sped on ahead of him, doing more than 30 miles per hour.
Amazed and curious, the fellow speeds up to follow, but the thing takes off faster and faster. Finally it screeches into a turn and goes down a dirt road into a small farm.
The man pulls to a stop in front of the farm house, where a farmer is standing on the front porch.
He says to the farmer "Did you see that? What was it?"
The Farmer replies "Yep, I saw it. I breed 'em here -- it's a three-legged chicken."
"A three-legged chicken? That's amazing! But why?" says the driver.
"Well," says the farmer, "you like drumsticks, don't you?"
"Sure," replies the driver, "but why..."
The farmer answers, "You got any kids?"
"Yes, a boy, but..."
"Say you're having dinner. Your wife likes drumsticks, and your kid likes drumsticks, and you like drumsticks. What're you going to do? That's why I developed the three-legged chicken."
"Well, tell me, how does a 3 legged chicken taste?"
"Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet."

Sad emo

and this...

Snoozy

I hope all those jokes made Wings feel better...It sure livened up my day!

Thanks guys..and Wings.."This too shall pass".

Snoozy..

Jim_TX

I hope that you get to feelin better soon... less lonely... here is something... maybe it will help...

......

A Western Tale

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give my back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Today I am officially lonely

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