What do you do when you exit and your wife stays in?

Quirky1

I have recently left the WTS and almost have my DA letter ready to send. My wife is still in and is higly upset by my stand. She is afraid she'll lose her parents because they are still JW's and refuses to leave the WTS, she still beleives it. After reading "Crisis of Conscience" and the little alarms going off in my head prior to this I am unable to continue. My children understand and do not want it anymore either. But, I am sure this will put a tremendous strain on our relationship. Waddya do?

DJK

Welcome Q.

There are others on the forum in your situation who may have some advice for you.

IP_SEC

We parted ways. We are still friends tho.

Finally-Free

In my case it ended up in divorce. I was too vocal about my views. If you want to save your marriage the worst thing you can do is put any pressure on her. In time she may come to realize that you are not a demonized apostate bastard from hell, but still a loving, caring person, a good husband and a good father.

W

llbh

Hi Quirky I

Welcome to the board

I am in a similar situation to you. I faded 8-9 years ago and my wife is still in. I have one daughter in, one son out and one undecieded.

For me the stresses you allude to are very hard to resolve, i have found it very difficult. Our marriage has really been at an end for number of years.

I am now moving on from it after much soul searching.

I am lucky enough though to have found a very special friend who will help me through the likely coming travails

I wish you well in your journey

Regards

David

daniel-p

Hi Quirk1,

There are more than a few of us who are or were in your shoes. Some have split up with their mates, others have chosen to stay together. This situation raises a multitude of questions, like: Would she marry me as I am now? Does she still accept me? How much does she need a spiritual companion? And on and on. I have been inactive for about 2 years (hard to believe), and trying to fade without losing my family. My wife knows I have no faith in the organization. I haven't told her all of my "apostate" views, in order to not discourage her from her faith. I took up a policy that I wouldn't try to take the "truth" away from her, partly because I don't want to lose her, partly because I really do respect her faith and what it gives her. I think the organization is full of crap, but I do respect her faith. I think that's one of the main things, defintely: respect.

Needless to say, it is hard. You'll need to triple your efforts to make your wife happy. You'll need to put your own convictions aside while you find new ways to respect each other and re-construct your relationship. You'll need to communicate a lot, and spend time together. I'm finding that the rewards are very high, though, just like marriage itself. If you look back in my topic history, you'll see some of the things we've had to go through. Just a couple months ago I didn't know where I was going to be sleeping for the night. But things are good now, and getting better. I'm still finding a balance between supporting her in her activities (meetings, assemblies, pioneering), and getting her to do more "wordly" things with me (skipping meetings to go to a movie, going to Thanksgiving at a relatives house, etc).

Anyway, best of luck. I feel for what you're going through, and others around here are too, I'm sure.

OnTheWayOut

I am with ya. I started fading in 2006. I am totally inactive. I would DA but my wife AND my
mother are JW's and I don't want to test Mom's loyalty. I fully understand when you have
kids that you might decide to DA.

Perhaps you don't need to, though. For the wife's sake, she knows how you feel already, ask
her if you just stopped participating and insisted that the kids stay out as this is what they want-
would she be okay with that? Then don't say nothing to the elders.

Otherwise, DA or not- I tried to brace my wife for changes and continue to be a loving, understanding
husband. We had a great relationship before my fade, and it is strained at times over the JW
issue, but there are other things in life. Mrs. OTWO and I continue to be close to one another.
I asked her to let me be accountable for my beliefs to Jehovah, and not to be a go-between to the
elders. I don't read "apostate" literature or go onto websites like this one in front of my wife, but she
knows that I am researching and learning. Even at that, I might be a bit over-paranoid.

Open mind

Quirk1:

almost have my DA letter ready to send

Does your wife know this? How important to you is it to send it? Why?

BTW, to answer the title of your thread:

Drink. Often.

Just kiddin. Not a good idea, although quite a few on here have done just that.

I'm at the other end of the spectrum from you as far as speed goes. I'm still active in "good standing" hoping to slowly awaken my wife and kids. I've had quite a few minor successes along the way, but my wife if still 95% JW-loyal. Kids are coming along quite nicely, IMHO though.

Time will tell.

OM

R.Crusoe

Either pay a private detective to find if she has sex with another JW or have sex yourself just to legitamise their divorce laws so you get a life and not a toystor puppet to live with!

Thats my take with hindsight!

Some secretly carry on and you never know and suffer personal lifelessness whilst they start to work out who they will be married to in their new system!!!

Trust me - and you will feel it between the sheets!

BFD

I don't know your entire situation but I have to say I admire your courage to stand for what you believe, or don't beleive for that matter.

Everyone's situation is different. All or nothing is never a good place to be.

BFD

What do you do when you exit and your wife stays in?

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