There is no need to isolate yourself. You are free to have the freedom to think and do as you see fit, whatever that may-be. You are free from the watchtower power over you.
Ex-JWs... feelings of isolation, agoraphobia...?
by Moxie 36 Replies latest jw experiences
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Pickled
Having your name removed from the membership list, for a Jehovah’s Witness, is the equivalent of a social and spiritual death. It is to experience a death of identity. All of your friends have died, you have died, your family members have died, your social activities have died, and you are as good as dead to your creator. Your spiritual boundaries have all been erased, and you are now at the mercy of the wicked ruler of this world and every step you take is resulting in only aiding and abetting the same wicked system you used to recognize as evil.
That’s quite a load to carry.
In that moment when you find yourself saturated in all of these messages, there is also that same voice inside of you wondering “Are they right?”
Then these thoughts may follow…
“They must not be right or I would have never left” or “They must not be right or they would have been able to show a little more compassion before removing my membership” or “They must not be right because there is so much evidence that their teachings are wrong.”
Now you are in a defensive mode without one single ally on your side. You are in a defensive mode and your mind is filled with all of the indoctrination you filled it with about the Bible and the supreme authority of the “slave.” So many witnesses at this point, because of those teachings they learned that told them it is the Watchtower or death, think that they now have to hurry up and figure out what or whom they are supposed to follow instead. This is actually the worst possible time to do that.
You are suspended in a state of temporary limbo and your mind is packed with everything that you learned that has now just betrayed you. So you begin looking around in an effort to find things that will replace those ideas. Nothing looks reasonable and in everything you are considering you are simply introducing those new ideas to the teachings you currently have. Well, of course the teachings you currently have in your mind were 100% accurate before, and after all you were able to even argue against these new ideas at one time with total conviction. This exercise is difficult and unnecessary at this point in your life because there are other things that need to be addressed before you can begin to find a balance within yourself.
The first step is to begin the process of finding out how you really feel and why. How you feel about what you have just experienced. How you feel as a human being who has just experienced a great loss. Maybe you are wrong and they are right. Maybe you are right and they are wrong. Regardless of either side, what is certain is that your status as a former member required from you a willingness to never look in the eye how you felt about anything at all. You were not there to feel, you were there to believe and to contribute to that belief structure. So spend a little bit of time saying out loud how all of this has made you feel. That will be new enough to begin with.
Some of the messages swirling around in the mind of a former JW should be looked at for what they actually are, and acknowledged in an open and honest way so the impact that they are having is diminished once they are spoken out loud as very real thoughts.
Some of the internal dialogue of feelings may include….
“I feel so much grief right now because I have lost virtually everything I have ever known.”
“I feel abandoned by a group that I once felt so close to and safe with, and am so deeply hurt because it seemed so easy for them to sever their relationship with me.”
“The scripture that I used to quote so often keeps playing over and over in my mind, ‘Lord, whom shall we go away to?’ and here I am with nowhere to go and alone.”
“How can the WTBTS be a cult when there are over 6 million members?”
“I feel like I am suspended in a state of unbelief and have nowhere to turn spiritually.”
“I feel betrayed and guilty at the same time.”
“I feel so much sadness for all those years that I now feel I gave away in exchange for something that turned out to be a lie.”
“I feel hopeless like I am walking around in a pit of despair because nothing makes sense anymore.”
“I feel like I can never try hard enough to pull myself up to another way of thinking.”
“I feel like a failure.”
“I feel like all the people that once accepted me now hate me and I feel shame over that.”
“I feel so angry about all of this. I feel stupid for believing it to begin with and I feel angry for so many other reasons as well.”
“I feel like everything seems like too much to handle right now. I feel like this death of my identity has stripped from me the ability to find my own way right now.”
“Every time the phone rings, my doorbell rings, or every time I experience something that used to be easy so ordinary, I now feel immobilized and anxious as though something is going to be expected of me that I just can’t cope with.”
Truth has not been patented by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. I don’t mean the truth about what the scriptures really mean, I mean truthful things, truthful statements, true feelings, true emotions, your true thoughts. When you were a member of the WTBTS you were not allowed to be truthful. You were claiming to live for “The Truth” while at the same time never allowed to actually tell the truth about how you felt about something if it did not agree with “The Truth.” So you smiled and lied. At the time you felt you were not lying, you were instead adjusting your thoughts so that they would submit to more correct thinking. Less independent thoughts equaled more accurate thoughts. Now that you are separated from the group and entirely independent, do you feel as though your thinking is wrong all the time? Are you having a hard time believing that your own thoughts about almost anything might be accurate? Are you afraid to make a wrong decision in every little thing?
If I say that I feel sad today, and you say “No you don’t” then I am going to think that you are claiming indirectly that you are either psychic or that I am a liar. I will think this because everyone knows that feelings are the personal property of the one feeling them. Learning to express your true feelings out loud seems easy enough, but it’s not really. The easy part is finding the lies and inconsistencies in the WTBTS doctrines and teachings because they are right there for all to see in black and white print. It is just a matter of connecting the dots. However, what you learned to do with your feelings is entirely different. They were supposed to be personal and part of your human experience and expression. If someone is expressing their feelings in a destructive, distracting, or uncontrollable way then that is a valve that needs adjusting for the benefit of the one who has lost control of their emotions, maybe for those around them as well. That is not the same thing as not being allowed to express normal doubts or fears without repercussions. That is not the same thing as having to train yourself to mask thoughts, ideas, or feelings in an effort to gain favor or avoid reproof.
These are all my own personal opinions only, and it is my opinion that starting with expressing your feelings in the most accurate and honest way out loud every time the phone rings, every time someone knocks on your door, every time you have to leave your house for something other than work, is a good place to start. It can be surprising to hear yourself say how you really feel about something, and it can even sound ridiculous, dramatic, irrational, or not based on the reality of the moment at all. But it is how you really feel, and if you give it a voice it just might shrink down to something a little more manageable. That is what a Therapist gets paid a lot per hour to do; to listen to you say out loud how you feel. I would recommend therapy by a professional that has experience with cults, but you have implied that professional therapy is not something you want to do right now. Another suggestion would be to talk to a general physician about anti-depressants and let him or her know why you are asking about that. The most important thing, in my opinion, is to do whatever you can with what you have available so that you can begin to feel a little hopeful. Hope is an ingredient that can go a long way. -
Quandry
I suffer severe anxiety and panic when I even have to think about leaving the house and do everything that I can to stay in (going to work is the only exception). I get very distressed at the ringing of my phone, and often (even though I feel very bad about it) I don't answer and let it go to voice mail.
Moxie
Please know that you are not alone. Many others here have expressed themselves as to how they felt. I will add my feelings.
When my family left, due to the horrible way my teen was treated and df'd, we experienced such anxiety that we thought we were not going to live. We literally stayed in our house with the curtains drawn except to go to work. We would not do yard work except at a time when we felt the jws were in a meeting (Sunday morning) and my husband would not go outside without me.
We did not answer the phone.
Mostly, we cried and talked. We were so dissolutioned. We felt that "rug pulled out from under you" feeling and did not know what to do.
I will say that after a few years we are somewhat better. It helps to talk to someone. I hope it helps you to come here and to know that you are not alone.
Please do not let them take more of your life. You are young and deserve happiness. Have you finished your education? If not, go to school. By all means, find some things that interest you, or a place to volunteer.
You are important. We all are.
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Pickled
Quandry, what a difficult and heart-wrenching experience you all went through. What were those things that began to change in your perception that made the difference? How did you see some things then that you see differently now that has made the inner conflict less than it was before?
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Finally-Free
I wasn't raised as a JW but converted at 26. Before I was a JW I had a lot of friends and a very active social life. I dumped all my friends when I joined the JWs thinking I'd find new ones. I was very wrong. Many JWs wanted nothing to do with me because I had a colourful "worldly" past. I could never hope to be anything more than "bad association". I spent the next 20 years of my life virtually friendless. I was rarely invited out, and eventually I found excuses to decline the few invitations I did get. I often wondered why the JWs even wasted their time, and everyone else's, "preaching" when they didn't really want new converts among them.
Now I've been out for 5 years. I have my bouts with anxiety and depression. For the longest time I lived like a hermit, leaving the house only to go to work and buy groceries. Getting me out of the house socially was like pulling teeth. In the last few months I've been forcing myself to get out, and things are getting better. Next week I'm moving to the east end of Toronto, near an ex-jw friend who has worked hard for a long time to get me off my ass and out of the house once in a while. I'm finally meeting people and doing things again.
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Quandry
Pickled,
My husband and I talked and talked and talked. I also confided in a friend at work. Strangely, she is Jewish and could not relate but it felt like I unburdoned myself. My daughter started therapy, and continued in it for quite some time.
Also, finding this forum was great for me. Not that I am glad others had bad experiences, but knowing that others felt the same was a bit of a comfort. I knew I could find understanding here.
Fortunately, our extended family members were not JWs. We had treated them so coldly for years, but have somewhat reconnected with them. Enough to lessen the isolated feelings.
After a while, the overwhelming hurt left. The anger subsided to a degree that we can live with. The dissilutionment has finally somewhat worn off.
Life goes on. At fifty six years old I am going to college. I hate going into a class with young people but I am trying to stick it out.
Things are by no means great. One day to have so many "friends" then the next day, none. It feels like the twilight zone.
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Pickled
Quandry,
Congratulations for going to college! It sounds like you were determined to get past the place you were in. I know that you said it took a lot of time, but still you kept at it little by little. I think that sometimes just time itself starts to wear down the rough edges. I am still waiting for my rough edges to get a little less sharp. I have my moments, I think mostly fatigue and life's daily grind, when I am more patient than at other times with the things I have seen that a belief in a religion can do. I definitely need to learn more patience, and understand that not everything needs to be approached like a scene out of "Braveheart."
Thank you for responding and sharing. I hope that someone reading your words will be comforted by the hope and the potential that seems to be in between every line you wrote.
Pickled