Opinion poll: Is it wrong for grandparents to buy presents for all but one?

cognizant dissident

My parents (JW's) have 4 small grandchildren between the ages of 5 and 8. They recently went on a trip and brought back presents for 3 of the kids but left out one because they "didn't have time to find anything". My sister was very upset and refused to accept the present for her daughter if they had nothing for her son.

My parents thought she was making a big deal out of nothing and since gifts are voluntary, technically, they don't HAVE to buy them for any of the kids and can do so as they choose.

I definitely side with my sister on this issue and would have refused the gift for the other child also.

What would JWD posters do in the same situation? Big deal or no big deal?

Cog

FlyingHighNow

You're right. The child left out could be very hurt by this. Something that seems so small to a an adult can leave life long scars to a child. I remember things my grandparents did that probably were no big deal to them but hurt me for many years.

cognizant dissident

Yes, FHN, I think one of the reasons my sister reacted so strongly is because her sister is a twin and my parents often bought gifts for one of them and not the other also. So there is a legacy of "hurt" over the years adding to the mix.

I forgot to mention that a year or two ago they did the same thing to my son. Big family dinner. Bought presents for every grandchild (actually it was 6 altogether, now 7) except my son. He was the only teen and they just forgot about him. They even bought presents for all their adult children. He was the only one in the room left out and I was hurt for him but didn't say anything hoping he wouldn't really think it was a big deal if I didn't make one out of it.

Well, he did notice and brought it up two years later when I told about this recent incident with my sister's kids.

Why do they do this? Surely, you don't truly forget members of your family. I am inclined to believe it is a purposeful passive- aggressive gesture for some twisted reason I don't really understand.

Cog

Gopher

The grandparents' actions are so insensitive that it it obvious to any grown-up person. Maybe JW's aren't in the practice of giving presents, so they have no idea about protocol.

Your sister is 100% correct.

BabaYaga

What the hell? Sounds passive-aggressive and downright MEAN if you ask me... oh, right, you DID ask me!

I don't think the Mom over-reacted, but then I wasn't there. It is odd, though... by not accepting the present for the daughter, now the daughter is probably mad at HER. Bah. I think as the Mom, I might have taken the Grandparents aside and asked them how they were going to make it up to the grandson. Oh, who am I kidding, there is no way to make them do anything. I don't know what would make this situation better. Hell, at the very least, they could have tackily handed him a $10 or $20, if they "couldn't find anything for him".

Grandparents who do that need to be ignored a little more often.

cognizant dissident

Yes Gopher, I think it is probably so obvious that it is a question not really worthy of an opinion poll. I don't know why I had to ask, except my parent's have done this sort of thing since I was a child also, and then if anyone calls them on their behaviour they say, "Oh you are too sensitive!" to mask their own incredible insensitivity. It's kind of crazy making and when you grow up with this kind of emotional manipulation, sometimes you need someone else to tell you, "No, it's not you. It really is them!"

Thanks for the input.

Cog

cognizant dissident

Baba Yaga

My sister intercepted the gift before they gave it to her daughter so it's not like she took it away from her. She doesn't even know about it. She did tell my parents that she would put it away and give it to her when they had something for her son as well. Reasonable, I thought. She is waiting to see if they will respond. Judging by their initial reply, I posted above, she doesn't think it likely.

For the most part, we all do ignore them now. None of us are close to them (for many reasons having nothing to do with gifts). They constantly complain that they don't see us enough, try to guilt us into it, yet whenever we do make an effort, they pull stunts like this.

My son has no relationship with them at all and doesn't desire one and I have never tried to keep him from his grandparents.

Cog

yknot

OMG !!!!

What an incredibly insensitive thing to do!

Perhaps it is time for a family dinner but only inviting one parent and not the other.

When they both show up (because they will think it is an automatic packaged deal) say nothing but only have a place setting for one. Then explain the dilemma of only inviting one, the lack of 'having' to include the other then sigh really loudly and say remember it is just like when you didn't give little man a gift but all the other grandkids received a gift. Then be generous and let the other parent have a plate anyway because you are so much more gracious.

Both my hubby and I hail from families that have a rule called "if one gets something they all get something".

cognizant dissident

LOL yknot!

I love it! Sometimes actions make the point better than any words could. Well my sister had a little mini revenge. I went there for the weekend to visit her and my parents invited us for dinner and she wouldn't go. Since she was driving I had no way to get there. She wanted to keep me all to herself! Maybe they will get the idea if a family member comes on a special trip into town and only visits some family members and not others.

Cog

loosie

I agree. Your sister was right in doing that. How would the other child feel if she accepted the gift. Like Grandma and grandpa love my sister more than me.

Opinion poll: Is it wrong for grandparents to buy presents for all but one?

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