There have been good and bad days. She has come to the realization I will not be returning. She goes but more for social reasons then anything else. But each situation is diferent. To tell the truth I think it forced us to talk more then we did before.
You leave the Borg., your spouse stays in. Does marriage become hell?
by Hiddenwindow 36 Replies latest jw experiences
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Quirky1
D#mn! There are a lot of threads about this. I remember starting one a few months ago.
Yes, It does appear to go to h#ll in a hand basket for awhile and for some it explodes and deteriorates beyond repair, as you will find many other testimonials here on JWD.
Eventually we worked thru it. I accepted her going to the meetings and she accepted me not going. Now this is just short term. I will have to wait and see about long term. Time will tell. I've only been out for about 3 months or so.
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seeking help
Quirky1,
can i ask ?
did you just stop cold turkey? I am finding this hard due to relationships @ the hall.
how about prayer @ meal times. i dont wanna do it, but not sure how to handle it.
and lastly, what did you wife tell people when u weren't there. that must be awfuk for her
Thanks so much. anyone else please answer as well.
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95stormfront
When I finally walked away, my wife ran me through the wringer of emotional blackmail and guilt laden conversations to the point of me throwing up. Think that stopped her? As soon as my mouth was dry, she started right back up again. Since then, we've developed a truce. It's lasted for a good 15 years now.
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NewYork44M
Every conversation of every waking moment we faught about the watchtower. For 15 years this went on. Didn't matter what we were doing: cooking, driving, sex (not much fun when you are listing to a watchtower tirate while attempting some sexual interaction), watching tv, everyting f$%king moment was a watchtower fight.
I gave up moved on and am living happily ever after. To quote a phrase from a John Lennon song:
"Every day in every way is getting better and better."
So there are happy endings.
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Quirky1
Seeking help,
Yes. I had it building in me for awhile then I just made my stand and did it.
What relationships at the hall? No one has tried contacting me since I left except one elder that I wouldn't speak spiritually with, had dinner and that was it. This right before the Memorial.
We had hardly prayed before meals anyway but it stopped immediately.
As for what she told them I dunno, don't care. As long as I am out that's all that counts.
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Big Tex
Depends on the marriage and, maybe most importantly, what the two people in that marriage value most.
I fought the elders for 2 years before leaving. Then Nina and I fought, well mostly I ranted and yelled and she tried to be part of the wall, for another 2 years before we kind of reached a detente about the subject. I wasn't going back and she wasn't leaving. In the end we agreed to respect each others' boundaries. I wouldn't drive her apostate or make her celebrate evil Christmas and she'd quit dragging elders home to "save" me.
Naturally she violated the boundary many times ("this may be the last Memorial we're all together"), you know the usual JW guilt. But you've got to know with someone in that cult mind-set they can't realy help it, so that's part of the package even among the best of them.
Ultimately I was lucky. There's no other word for it. Nina left in 2002, due in no small part to the fact that most Witnesses are ***holes deluxe and she got fed up with all their crap. Well that I used to print out threads from this board and leave them for her to read.
But those 13 years I was out, put a real strain on our marriage. No other way around it. No matter how many good days there were, or how hard we tried, the Witnesses were always between us. That makes for an awkward bed.
But as I say, I think it really does depend on what the two people in question value most. Marriage is tough enough under the best of circumstances. I've always seen marriage as two people holding tight to each other while the storm winds of life howled around, over and through them. You're damn lucky if you can make it though.
It takes a real serious commitment from each other to each other. But even so I think that separation costs the marriage.
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daniel-p
Welcome to the board, HiddenWindow.
There are many (MANY) here who have, or are, going through this. As for me, I stopped all JW activity about 2-3 years ago. It was hard, and still is in some respects. You go through phases of crises, and each one kicks you in the balls afresh with no mercy. My wife and I are very close--due to the circumstances surrounding our courtship and marriage--and without this I highly doubt we would be together now. Luckily, she is a sort of "fringe witness"--more loyal to the Bible than the WT when it comes down to it, although she still holds to all the major party lines.
Soon after I stopped going to the meetings she changed congregations. This helped a lot. Before, it was incredibly hard for her to go to there and see everyone that knew me. Everyone just asked about me all the time and pretty much ignored her, which hurt her a lot. Since then I've tried to continually demonstrate that I'm the same person, a better one even, than before, and that just because I don't believe in the FS and maybe not God, I'm still a good person and good for her.
It's always a challenge. But I've found that in our relationship as long as we keep communicating we stay together. There have been times when I felt like there was nothing for me to do but walk out the door, but love is stronger than anything else and has always kept us together. I'm in it for the long haul and no fruity, two-bit man-made religion is going to seperate us.
If you want to learn more, look back in my topic history and the topic history of others on this thread. Everyone has their own story. Typically, from what I've seen and heard, if the believing mate stays in and is hardcore about following the Society above the Bible, the marriage doesn't last. The ones that do last it seems usually involve the believer accepting their doubts about the WTS and staying in for the social aspects/routine/etc.
-dp
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maxwell
My marriage lasted about five years after I left the Jehovah's Witnesses. Yes, there were some difficult times that were a direct result of the religious situation. But I don't think I would describe the marriage as hell, because there were many good times as well. There were changes that I made that were easier because I left the JW, and it was primarily because of my changes that the marriage ended. But not everyone who leaves the JW makes the kind of changes that I made, so I wouldn't necessarily say that my marriage ended because of the change in the religious situation. We mostly tried to stay away from that subject after a few discussions early on. We had what I think was a normal amount of married couple arguments about normal things. We didn't break up because of the frequency of arguments or arguments about religion. Ironically, at the end and presently, she is not with the JW, although she tells me she wants to go back. But whether she goes back or not is mostly a moot point, because there were other issues primarily caused by my changes as I mentioned above.
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GoingGoingGone
When I left about 4 years ago, we were the Perfect JW Family. I ruined all that, and my husband was very angry. It almost ended our marriage.
Things are much better now, and both of my kids are out of the JWs and on their way to college (YAY!!) My husband has mellowed a lot. He's stopped expecting me to come back, he's supporting the kids in college, he's respecting their decision to not be JWs, and this past Memorial, he asked us all politely if we would attend. So we all did. It made him happy, and was a small price to pay to keep the peace.
I do still hope that one day, he'll come out too. He's really not a spiritual person, he's in for the social aspect mostly, I think. We were both raised JWs and have no 'worldly' friends at all. Cutting off contact with friends you've had your entire life is a big step to take.
If it wasn't for JWD and some of the friends I've made here, I think I'd have lost my mind long ago. What I miss most in my marriage now is the fact that I can't talk to my husband about any of the things that have been foremost in my thoughts. The bible, God, religion, beliefs, evidence for/against evolution, etc, etc.... all that is off limits. Since leaving the JWs I've spent hours and hours researching all kinds of things, and can't share any of it with my husband. My computer is password protected, and my "apostate" books are hidden. Not fun feeling like a criminal in your own home.
My husband is a great person in so many ways, but having him in the JWs when I'm out alienates us from each other, and it's both sad and lonely.
My heart goes out to anyone going through this.
GGG