NLFY:
what would be my consequences? any elders out there?
former elder here.... consequences? the more interactions that you have with elders, the more chances there will be that you will slip and say something that will be laser focused on by the elders as "apostate leanings" and give them cause for further digging into your personal life.
My suggestion: If your husband insists on meeting at your home, take advantage of home turf. Make sure that both of you have your story straight on what you will and will not say. Usuually the BOE will send in two elders for a "Shepherding Call" (aka Gestapo Visit). Often, one elder will play "good cop" and the other will be the "bad cop"...its a tag team effort. It is not organized this way in any manual or training I ever received...its just the natural progression of things. The BOE will have one hard nosed ass of an elder that wants to bust someone, so they will assign a more, umm, kind elder to offset the ass. Good cop elder will often take the lead, but then bad cop elder will start in on you. After a bit of this, good cop will backpedal a little and give you some breathing room...watch...as bad cop elder is getting wound up, good cop elder will put his hand on his arm and gently interrupt and move the conversation back a little..... (which was I? I was the good cop, but I didnt play by the BOE's rules...if someone told me something in confidence, I kept it to myself...if asked by the BOE if anything was said that indicated apostate thinking, I would deny having heard anything like that...but then again...I was never one to walk to the Borg lockstep.... there is a member on this board that I did this for multiple times....that person was eventually DF for apostasy by the entire BOE....and the appeal was upheld)
Here is where it gets tricky for YOU...When these Gestapo Visits occur, .it is usually bad cops idea to separate you two. Bad cop will take your husband aside...often at the end of the visit as you all walk outside as they are leaving.... and as spiritual head of your family, lay into him for not taking the spiritual lead. Meanwhile, good cop elder is talking with you .....trying to calmly "reassure" you, while what he is really trying to do is to get you to slip up. When the visit is over, the two elders will compare notes, then bring the result of their visit back to the BOE for further evaluation. If it is detected that one or both of you has a crack in your resolve to stay away, a follow up visit will be scheduled to chip away at your resistance. If either of you said anything at all that sets off the Apostaradar...watch out....if you express any kind of doubt, or if you dont give a wholehearted support of the FDS, that is a red flag for the elders.
As long as you dont say anything about "not believing" or "having doubts" or not supporting the FDS (aka GB), then you may be able to avoid any JC action. Say the wrong thing when asked about your thoughts....and dont believe for one second that what you say is "just wanting to know what is on your mind" without serious consequences (DA/DF). When asked about meetings, stick with generalities, such as "we are so busy with {insert everyday necessary activity, work, school, kids, etc} that sometimes we get home and its all we can do just to cook dinner, help the kids with homework and crash" or "we are very {tired, depressed, worn out}...this old system sure beats up, dont you agree?" Same with field circus... "by the time the weekend comes, we are so far behind with {insert chore.... yard work, laundry, maintenance}, that the only time we can get this done is on Saturday"..... or "the pressures of the old world of just paying for gas and utilities, putting food on the table, etc. cause us to have to work {two jobs, overtime, etc}....you know how it is...." Good cop will be empathetic, bad cop will take a hard tact.....see if i am right on this...
And yes, you can be DF in absentia... I suspect one day not too far in the future that non attendance at meetings or becoming inactive in the Field Circus will result in being labeled DA (since by JW definition, you are not Witnessing about Jehovah)..... and faders will be DA and not know anything about it until it is announced that "Brother Snakes is no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses" (though it does have a nice ring, dont you think? )
bottom line to my long-winded reply: THE LESS CONTACT YOU HAVE WITH THE ELDERS, THE LESS LIKELY THEY CAN PIN ANYTHING ON YOU....just my opinion...
Snakes ()
