playing along with the disfellowshipped game

by milligal 23 Replies latest jw experiences

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  milligal

  My son has come to stay with me for the summer, and this morning I got a phone call which showed on the caller ID as my son's grandparents (my JW ex's parents who are also JW). I assumed it was my ex calling from their house and answered handing the phone to my son. That's when I heard his grandma's voice on the phone. This is what makes the story interesting: when I call her home to find my son, she NEVER answers the phone, sometimes her husband will, but she ignores my phone calls. My son has only been at my house for about 5 days into his summer break and already she called....

  After their conversation I started thinking about this; why am I not allowed to call her house to speak to my own son, yet she can call my home without batting an eye? So I picked up the phone and called her-expecting to get the answering machine, but she actually answered, maybe thinking it was my son calling. I simply told her I had a quick question for her-I asked her why when I call her home she never picks up the phone, but then she feels free to call me to talk to my son.....she stuttuered for a moment and then said-'whenever you call I listen to the message and if it's important I pass it on'. I said 'you are welcome to call my home and talk to my son anytime, but I want the same respect in return, that's all I had to to talk to you about' and I hung up. I kept it calm, (I was surprisingly nervous) and slow and respectful, but I put her on the spot all the same.

  This led me to question whether those of us that have been programmed into the JW ways, sometimes unknowingly, unwittingly play along with the whole 'you're df'd and shouldn't be treated with respect' game. This is the FIRST time (in 7 years!) I have ever confronted someone in the process of shunning me and asked them to explain themselves. I think she was as surprised as I was nervous. I know this is automatic for so many of us-but why should we go along? Do I need to feel bad that I'm making her uncomfortable by talking to her even though I'm df'd? Why doesn't she feel uncomfortable talking to me after her son beat me for five years?

  Why should we assume that we understand why they are behaving the way that they do? Why should we continue dancing this dance with them? Anyone else have a story to share?
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  quietlyleaving

  i'm not disfellowshipped but i came to the same conclusion as you and always try to alter my programmed responses.

  my neighbour is a witness and because i'd attended a meeting recently she said "its good to see yhat you are trying to come back". it felt good to tell her that i was not trying to come back and that i would never come back but would visit from time to time.

  so she replied "you are putting your happiness first"

  i replied that i was just trying to survive as i'd found the "truth" very damaging.

  this led to an interesting discussion about how difficult it is for young people in the "truth". she has 2 teenagers. I simply let her talk as she seemed to have got the point
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  MominAustin

  nothing to share or add, but good for you!!!
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  jamiebowers

  'whenever you call I listen to the message and if it's important I pass it on'.

  This is something you should seriously discuss with your attorney. This woman is not the custodial parent of your child and has no right to decide whether communication from a natural parent is important or not. This is not a tit for tat situation; whereas she doesn't anwer your calls, so you shouldn't answer her's. She has no business interfering with your communication or visitation with your child--period. That should be specified in the custody/visitation agreement. As a matter of fact, bringing up the disfellowshipping issue in court, should give the judge a good education on exactly what type of custodial parent and subsequent grandparents this poor kid is living with/around. Standing up for yourself isn't the issue here, but standing up for your child is, IMHO. It has been proven time and time again, that most jws will do the right thing only if they are forced to. Think about it; these nutcases would gladly let your child die before allowing him a blood transfusion unless the court steps in. As an organization, they only report child molestation when the state requires them to do so, and then they do it anonymously.
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  BabaYaga

  BRAVO.
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  sacolton

  I'm disassociated (and proud), but my wife is still active (very much so). Well, when she found out that one of her close friends (another JW) was going to be in town - she wanted to invite her over to our house. I didn't have a problem with this, but I made it very clear that I will NOT be shunned in my own home. If her friend wanted to come over and visit - she better respect me in my household. That's all I asked.

  Well, when my wife told her that news - she refused to take one step into our home. So, she had every intention of shunning me in my own house. I would have no part of that! Haughty bunch, those JWs!

  By the way, this girl (her friend) got her titty sucked by an elder who was married. Him and his wife moved to another congregation. She was quietly reproved. Nice, huh? Great example.
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  Thechickennest

  Milligal:

  I am impressed that you decided to have a frank, objective chat with your x-outlaw. Its disgusting when JW's cast all good manners aside to practice shunning. They selfishly never take into consideration they are punishing inocent ones such as your son indirectly. I find that totally unacceptable.

  When I see the JW's around here I decide if a shunning event is going to take place. I always make eye contact with the JW and most always greet them. If for some reason I feel like ignoring them, I do however, I don't treat them with anymore disrespect than I would treat any stranger.

  Since we are not JW's we are not required to play the games anymore!

  Thank you for your topic. It was refreshing to see someone stand up and call the shots. As you said some just automatically play the shunning game with out a second that. We are all better people than the JW's and we shound never stoop to their level of immorality towards other humans.
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  milligal

  jamiebowers: My sister responded the same way-they do have some nerve. I have been around the 'legal' block on this one and unfortunately now is not the time for a religious debate in the courtroom-at least not with the judge I currently have. I am studying pre-law so once through law school you can bet I'll play every card available

  sacolton: good for you, and...the other thing was kinda funny : )

  Thechickenest: thank you, I really needed to hear that! It is so good to have the support of others who understand. I hope that this is a stepping stone for me.
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  Jim_TX

  I may not qualify to post a reply... I'm not DF'ed. I just faded. Actually... I quit going.

  Anyway... my ex-wife is still a JW - as is most of her family.

  I remember a time when I was still married to her, we were in Office Depot, and our sis-in-law - who HAD been DFed walked in to do some shopping.

  My then-wife - did a quick 'we need to leave' - and did everything she could to avoid our sis-in-law - who was a very nice person.

  We were halfway ouside when I realized... I don't play these games anymore. I told her... "I'll be right back. I want to say hi to Debbie." I went back inside and talked to her. I also told her that there wer lots of folks who had been hurt by the JWs and there were web-sites if she decided to look them up. She thanked me and told me that she was working on getting 'back in'.

  We parted, and I went back outside where my wife was engaged in conversation with another sis-in-law who... somehow had left her husband - gotten divorced - and was not DFed for it... nor even reproved... if I recall correctly... and SHE was the one who slept with... well... anyway... my ex-wife found no problem talking with her. HUH??? is all I could think at the time.

  I'm glad that you stood up to this woman. I'll bet that she thinks twice next time before she calls ya... or ignores ya - when you call.

  Regards,

  Jim TX
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  nomoreguilt

  YES!! While I was df'd, I did not avoid speaking to any of them if I ran into them. It's their practice, not mine, to ignore us. What will they do, DOUBLE , SECRET DF us?? LOL If it isn't your intention to get back in, don't worry about them. Make them worry about YOU!! We are human beings as are they. This little game that they want to play only hurts them inside. I never, EVER avoided speaking to a DF'd person while I was in good standing. If I ran into them ANYWHERE I always made it a point to talk with them. They truly appreciated it, I know.

  Good point you made with the grand parent. Oh, and by the way, you don't have to allow your son to go to the grand parents house while you have custody of your son. Grand parents have NO rights by law to that.

  NMG