Perhaps my personal thoughts will help someone else.
Even if they don't, they help me to write them. Feel free to
pry my brain open and see my thoughts today:
When I came out of the JW's by finally realizing that "the truth"
was a lie, it was a serious grieving process. It's not truly
comparible to divorce or widowhood. It's something different.
Maybe a closer comparison would be to bringing an end to years of
amnesia, or to finally escaping an abuse situation where the victim
was made to feel that they were to blame and deserved the abuse.
The grieving process is due to the loss I had over myself. My core
beliefs were proven to be wrong. Some of my values were wrong, and
others, while still correct, were slanted toward WT reasoning and needed
a new justification. (Example: smoking is wrong because Jehovah hates
it- old value. New value: smoking is wrong for me and my health, but I
cannot judge others who smoke.) Basically, the person I was before was
a JW with a higher purpose. The world was in Satan's power. I was in
God's favor. Unbelievers would answer for their refusal to examine the
truth. The person I became after learning about "the truth" was an
ex-JW without a higher purpose, who wasn't sure that there were any
higher purposes. The world was just the world, now it was the WTS that
would be considered "evil" instead. And God's favor- well I doubt his
very existence, and if He is there, I am very mad at him.
For years, I had an unhealthy fear of God. It caused me harm when I wanted
to watch an R-rated movie or laughed at an inappropriate joke at work, or
when I started enjoying some Burl Ives Christmas Special or a Halloween
special of the Simpsons on television. My unhealthy fear popped up when
someone said "Happy New Year" or some other festive greeting and I felt that
I should cordially answer back. It popped up when someone sneezed and I was
the only one in the room. We won't even go into the bedroom to discuss when
I (or any JW) would have an unhealthy fear of God. Jehovah was constantly
knowing what I did, what I thought, and was ready to kick me out of his
approved organization.
Now, I can freely say JoeHoover or make fun of the God of the JW's in some way.
I can openly say "Bless you" even if I don't believe it's helpful just to be
polite when someone sneezes, or I can say "Thank you" when they say it to me.
I don't care what a rating on a movie is, nor will I refuse to laugh if the
joke is funny. In the bedroom, well, the wife is still a JW. I will still
keep you all out of that part of my life.
It sounds good, but it was rough to get there. Not only were my core beliefs
wrong and many of my values wrong or misguided, but as I realized this, the JW's
in my life treated me like it was wrong of me to examine my core beliefs and
values. They wanted to get the Satanic or Worldly thinking out of my head and
get me back into my unhealthy fears.
I am on the road to recovery now. My thanks to JWD and many friends here who
helped me on this SUPPORT FORUM. (YES- I found support in a discussion forum.)
This is not a goodbye thread. I may be here just as much as ever, but I may not.
I have reached a point where I am ready to stop putting labels on my identity.
I was a JW, then an ex-JW. I am ready to just be the real me. I realized that
I was living at home, then living in the military, then living as a JW. Along the
way, I thought I was running my own life, but I never really was making decisions
for myself up until I stopped going to the Kingdom Hall. Sure, I decided what
job to get, who to marry, etc.- but really, the job had to allow me to be a good
JW, the spouse needed to be a good JW, etc. I am finally ready to be a fully
responsible adult without leaning on some organization to guide me. I am finally
getting through the grieving process of losing "Brother" [Not]OnTheWayOut and I am
almost ready to stop being On The Way, and just be "out."
That's about all the sappy stuff I can write now. There's some dust in my eye.
Thanks again all.