Ask Happy Homemaker! (page 2)

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Dear Nelly,

As irony would have it, I must away to attend to the mowing and trimming of an estate pasturage.

I shall ponder your ponderings whilst I rusticate in the midst of bucolia.

Cheerio!

Happy Homemaker!

nelly136

I rusticate in the midst of bucolia

hmmmmm, would you advise lubrication for rustigating?

Having connections with big business worldwide, I will enjoin mattress makers internationally from affixing flammable fire labels to used bedding and all such related stuff. Is asbestos still legal?

The view from the curb could, perhaps, tolerate a tad of tweaking. Lady Bird Johnson, I do recall, employed her chic sense of style and no little matronly influence to effect the construction of tasteful freeway sore-sight blockaders. Since I'm putting myself out already to muscle an act of Congress toward the proper labelling of your rampant mattress colony, I may as well stay over a few extra nights in D.C. and see what further havoc I can wreak on your behalf.

No extra charge!

Oh - he who rusticates merely resides in the country, or, if he wants to push the envelope, gets himself kicked out of college.

Happy Homemaker!

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Dear Happy Homemaker,

Since viewing the SIENFELD episode where Kramer combines a variety of chores (showering, food prep, telephoning, etc.) in the bathroom, I have followed suit. What with all of the above, plus after-school water polo (we have a jacuzzi tub), I find that my skin has become excessively dry. Isn't water a moisturizer?

Esther Wms.

Dear Esther,

My ability to peer into the human psyche and draw spot-on psychological profiles of all creatures great and small while blindfolded has never been questioned. This is Wacked-Out with a capital WO! Anyone who thinks water is a moisturizer is all wet! I recommend SAE 10-30 (or SAE 100 for especially long periods of inundation) rather than ineffective over-the-counter lotions and ointments. It is a rather muscular unguent but, if you can keep it slathered on your person and off the veggies, you'll be all right.

What's the name of your water polo league?

Happy Homemaker!

Dear Happy Homemaker,

I'm a clean-freak and change my clothes and make my family of fourteen change theirs a minimum of 5 times a day. Needless to say, my laundromat (I own one, but it's been closed to customers since my fixation began eleven years ago) runs night and day and I have a problem with detergent build-up. It's okay to have jeans stiff-as-starch but the guys are really getting testy about their cardboard boxers.

Any suggestions?

Thank you,

Annie Sudds

Dear Annie,

I'm putting you in touch with Esther Wms.

Happy Homemaker!

changeling

CoCo, you are a boy Martha Stewart, w/o the bitchyness!

Thank you for dedicating the day to me! You are too kind!

I love domesticity!

changeling :)

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Dear Changeling:

Look for my new line of domestic wares at Kame-Apart Retail Stores:

Kitschy Bathroom Accessoires,
Sorta-Fitted Colour-Guard Sheets
Embroidered Knotty Pillow Slips
Tastefully-Tatted Toe-Covers
Slipfree Antimacassars

MORE, MORE, MORE!

You're welcome re: the 4th!

Happy Housemaker!

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Dear Happy Homemaker,

My home is my castle, and when I come after a long day in the Enchanted Forest chopping down trees, all I want is a little peace and quiet and a cold beer. After I kick off my boots and fall into the LazyBoy, I just wanna conk out and doze. My problem? My husband, Ed, fancies himself Mr. Mom (though we are not blessed with little ones) and always has a beautifully set table waiting for me every evening. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I'd be happy with a burger and fries and a strawberry milkshake. Filet mignon, Duck a l'Orange and salmon steaks (guess who's paying for this grub???) get old after a while. Besides, his stilettoes and angora sweaters are way over the top.

What do I do?

Mrs. Wood

Dear Mrs. Wood,

This reminds me of a conversation Basil Fawlty and I had regarding a certain class of human debris. He remarked that such ilk would be content with a trough filled with baked beans and garnished with two dead dogs. If you were really a lady, you wouldn't bash your adoring husband. You don't deserve Ed.

Isn't Ed up in years now? I would suggest a pair of sensible Red Cross shoes. It's difficult admitting to one's true age. I'm surprised his ankles haven't given out yet. Does he let you borrow his sweaters?

I've taken the liberty to check out your neighborhood and right around the corner from the Three Bears is a perfectly nice Burger King. Perhaps you could do your husband a favor (you certainly don't deserve one) and plunk your butt there every night on one of those firm plastic banquettes until you come to your senses (doubtful).

Did this help? I certainly hope so!

Happy Homemaker!

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Dear Happy Homemaker,

I'm not certain where to turn for advice. Under my bed is an ever growing colony of dust bunnies. They never really hurt anyone so I just thought I'd leave them in peace. But now I'm getting scared because they're all forming together and beginning to resemble an alien life form. If I vacuum under my bed will I be destroying scientific evidence that could change the course of the world? BTW, I keep having recurring asthmatic episodes.

I'm having guests arriving to stay the summer and I need to do something soon. The above situation applies to all eight beds in my home. Should I CONTACT Jodie Foster?

Thanks,

Dusty

Dear Dusty,

What planet are you from? Didn't you learn in Sunday School

"From dust thou art and to dust thou shalt return"? Something is obviously going on under all eight beds, but if you had been a little more astute with your Electrolux (my tank of choice), you'd not be posing these absurd questions. Leave Jodie out of this and get back on your inhalants.

My advice? You have one real and one potential invasion going on here. Send your guests to Holiday Inn.

Happy Homemaker!

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Dear Happy Homemaker,

I'm having a laundry problem. My husband's shirt collars have red lipstick on them and it just won't come out. I've tried scrubbing, bleaching and bluing - no success at all. Mary Jane, who's my best friend, has offered to have the shirts professionally cleaned, but I don't want to take advantage of her generosity. What do you say?

Connie aka Baby Pink

Dear Connie,

You don't have a laundry problem, Sweetie! If I were you, I'd switch from baby pink to a red-hot, angry slash of magenta across those lips. Or you could buy your husband red shirts. Or move to another state and leave no forwarding address. Good luck with Old Mister Innocent Bystander!

Happy Homemaker!

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Dear Happy Homemaker,

I have a sinkful of pots and pans with food encrustations three weeks old. The maid is so slow, but I'm afraid to fire her because she always seems on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to domestic and substance-abuse issues. She came highly recommended by the local half-way house. Should I pay her more?

Darla

Dear Darla,

1) Rent a power washer and a Potlicking Bethelite and get those babies scrubbed before they start breeding, or:

2) Adopt your maid and force her to tidy up or you'll ground her like my parents forced me to wash dishes from the time I was 4 years old and had to stand on a box just to reach the sink. Slave drivers. Obviously, there would be no further legal nor moral obligation to pay her. You don't have to pay your kids!

Does this help?

Happy Homemaker!

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