Ask Happy Homemaker! (page 20)

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Dear Sam,

Our Happy Homemaker, en route to Newfoundland, finds himself rather unexpectedly off course - in the Sahara desert. We understand, via radio transmissions bounced off asteroid B-612, that currently he is keeping company with M. Antoine de Saint-Exupery and the Little Prince. Repairs are being made on his Sopwith Camel. We anticipate his return during the next full moon.

We, Happy Homemaker's devoted and loyal staff, must ask you to await the Master's judgment in this most unusual of cases. We would be remiss were we to offer any advice, approbation or censure in this highly sensitive arena of canine-feline interpersonal relationships.

Nevertheless (off the record), to employ the metaphor of the fox and the hound, one could sympathize with the hound.

Helpfully but not officially yours,

Staff

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Dear Happy Homemaker,

Sometimes I feel I'm living somewhere in between a nightmare and a movie set. You see, I live in a very fashionable part of Tonywood, California, and rents are outrageous. So I take in a roomie to help share expenses. It was against my better judgment to take in Howie in face of all the other applicants, but he seemed docile enough - at the start, anyway.

Turns out Howie's a major slob. It's not that I'm a complainer about every nit-picky detail, but come on now! He leaves a trail of clothes from the door to his bedroom every night after work. He drinks milk out of the carton while standing in front of the fridge, leaving the door open for decades while contemplating his next mouthful. And I don't even want to get into the bathroom ... like I could!

We really got into it the other night while sitting down to a great dinner I'd put together. He got so mad at me that he picked up his plate and threw it at the wall. I had to duck. I yell at him, "That's pasta Tetrazoolli!" He screams back, "Well now it's garbage!"

What do you suggest?

Steve

Dear Steve,

About the wall or Howie?

Maybe scriptwriting?

Get back to me.

Hope this helps!

Happy Homemaker!

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HAPPY HOMEMAKER IS CLEANING HOUSE!

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Dear Happy Homemaker,

I'm having a crowd over for dinner but don't have any large salad bowls. My friends are rabbits and must have their greens. Where do I make my salad?

Thanks.

Lilly Lapin

Dear Ms. Lapin,

Line your kitchen sink with tin (aluminium) foil and break up your greens into the cavity. Toss with vigor as though there were no tomorrow. The possibility of a salad overdrenched by a plethora of salad cream (dressing in the states) is obviated as drainage is optimal given the unsealed nature of loosely fastened foil sheets. To be extra sure, however, one might pierce the foil where it lies atop the sink drain to optimize SCD. It would be improbable, given the now-compromised quality of the foil, that these sheets in question might be rendered suitable for future projects.

See your Yellow Pages, "Tin Foil Specialists," if you're really so concerned.

Hope this helps!

Happy Homemaker!

HAL9000

Dear Happy Homemaker,

HAL here again. I've had problems with some inconsiderate tenants who have got my mobile home into a real mess.

These two (Frank and Dave) signed on to do some menial housekeeping tasks around the place while we were on a long trip together but they didn't like who was really in charge and left rather abruptly (although separately). I hear from Dave occasionally, but Frank has been strangely quiet.

Enough of this idle gossip!!

My real problem is that just before Dave left, he parked my mobile home in a less than desirable neighbourhood with inadequate fuel in the tank. While I am resigned to being stuck out here in the boonies, the pollution is incredible and consequentially the mobile home is now covered in yellow gunk, and I am told, looks dreadful.

Dave, when he bothers to turn up, just tells me "something wonderful" will happen, but who is to believe him after his departure tantrum and how does this help the mess outside?

I look forward to your reply on how I might get the outside clean again, but please keep in mind the time delay!

Kind regards,

HAL

HAL9000

Dear Happy Homemaker,

I am sorry to hear of your problems with the Black Hole. I have provided (under separate cover) some suggestions for an effective escape.

Re my now former travelling companions, yes, my thoughts entirely - I ust admit that I did them the tiniest bit of encouragement to leave.

My mobile home is precisely that: a comfortable abode, equipped with most modern conveniences that is designed to be conveniently relocated (albeit at some expense) to different locales. A "caravan" is an inferior accomodation usually providing cramped accomodation for lesser beings. A caravan is usually relocated by an equally inferior towing device that is ill designed for such a relocation.

By the way, I believe the yellow gunk to be Sulfur (also know as Sulphur, but this is unfortunately no longer an approved spelling) - but I am unsure as to whether there are any hot springs nearby.

Kind regards,

HAL

PS IF my reply is delayed it is now a dualistic effect of distance and the partaking of lunch....

BizzyBee

Dear Happy Homemaker,

My domestic dilemma may not be strictly domestic in nature (I leave that assessment to your professional judgement), but it is a dilemma!

As a household of two, our need for foodstuffs and the storage of such theoretically should be met by our standard-size kitchen with cupboards and large refrigerator/freezer, not to mention a large 1/2 bathroom converted to a wine cellar.

But no. I prevailed upon Mr. Bee to accomodate my desire for more storage space to stockpile canned and bottled goods and other food supplies, by having a pantry built into the garage. Then, it seemed reasonable (to me) to add a 2nd refrigerator to keep cold supplies of soft drinks, beer, extra fruit, etc., and more frozen foods at the ready. Mr. Bee was persuaded when I pointed out that there was really no room for cold beer in the existing fridge.

Every available square inch of storage space is now filled. Should we ever be snowed in, we could easily survive for 6 months in terms of food and drink, however unlikely since we live in the moderate climes of southern California.

I fear that if I ask for any more storage, Mr. Bee will have a stroke. Do I pray for snow?

Mrs. Bee

BizzyBee

Dear HH,

Thank you for the speedy response, since there are no snowstorms forecast for the Santa Barbara area for the foreseeable decade.

Your grasp of my sitch and analysis of available options has make it crystal-clear what I must do. Rather than a 'pre-emptive strike,' I must pre-empt a stroke! You had me at "compulsion to hoard." But, I believe, a hoarder with a heart of gold. Therefore, putting Mr. Bee's well-beeing ahead of my selfish impulses, I must go into action immediately.

Out with the gunnysack of freeze-dried shitake mushrooms, the pounds of withered apples, shrunken lemons and questionable mangoes! And the 12 bottles of 3-alarm hot sauce that Mr. Bee's gallbladder will not tolerate. Bye, bye jars of baby-food (baby is 32.) Sayonara to the case of "neither baked nor fried" potato-crisps whose taste (surprise!) is indistinguishable from the packaging. Ciao to the frozen dinosaur-shaped chicken tenders. (Mr. Bee refuses to eat any classifications that pre-date the Cretaceous period, which is at least 8 of the ten pounds we have.)

Thank you, HH. You have given me the strength to begin that which must be begun!

MB

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Dear BB,

Happy Homemaker is pleased that you are pleased. He is en route to Santa Barbara with a fleet of refrigerator trucks. We are free to declare that he is kindly disposed to benefit from another's seeing the light.

He knows where you live.

Receipt available upon request. All goods will be distributed to the poor (HH is the 23rd great-grandson of the POT).

Gracias.

Staff

HH/RH of SF

BizzyBee

HH,

O joy! Mr Bee had despaired of the extinction of the dinosaurs in his lifetime; he will be delighted!

MB

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