Ask Happy Homemaker! (page 3)

Is there any way to cut housecleaning time in half? I'm addicted to the net, particularly a discussion forum, and laundry, cooking, paying bills, household maintenance and childcare are severely neglected. Oh, did I mention cleaning house already? That, too!

How can I get my wife to help out more?

Tom

Dear Tom,

Seems you have a problem with "Who's the Boss"! Request (do NOT order) Mrs. Tom to take over your Discussion Board duties (are you a mod?) and get those kids into the bathtub and the dishes out of the sink and from under the bed and into the cabinets where they belong. Hang your dirty clothes on the line, hose them down and let 'em drip-dry. Buy a case of Top Ramen Noodles and dress them up with pork and beans (on occasion). Hire out some foundation jacks and jackers and rotate your house so that the good side (if there is no good side, get back to me) faces the street. Curb appeal raises your home's value and will give you the sense of pride that you so clearly lack.

Your home needs lots of work; you need even more.

Happy Homemaker!

compound complex

Dear Happy Homemaker,

This is a question about cleaning, but it's cleaning on a very large scale. I will be attending a Bible convention next month and have received a mandatory cleaning assignment. It's cleaning bathrooms at a giant stadium. My boss (a guy, I mean "brother") went over a ten-page list of dos and don'ts with me and a dozen or so other "volunteer" ladies. I am livid - me and my sisters are pxxxxd - because we must clean an entire bathroom with ONE PAPER TOWEL EACH! I don't want to question divinely-appointed authority and fail to show sisterly submission, but this is like making bricks without straw. You do know the story, don't you, about the children of God in Egypt, the typical representation of God's modern-day enemy ...

Dear Sister,

Don't preach to me. Your problems go far deeper than the triviality of cleaning 12 sinks, 8 johns and 3 three-by-six mirrors with one stinking paper towel. Been there, done that. But I'm certainly not going to take you to task over your fixation with an Old Testament religion. It's a question of faith. If you are cursed with damnable little faith, then sneak in your own roll of paper towels. If questioned, simply say in a tiny and humble voice that it's a small but meaningful donation to the Lord's work ...

You don't say "Lord," though, do you?

PS - and don't let them give you that line that you're rushing ahead of G....

Feel better now? I hope so!

Happy Homemaker!

SacrificialLoon

Dear Happy Homemaker,

I'm am thinking about taking control of my condo community, succeeding from the United States and using the community as a launching point for my empire. When inviting the board over to discuss my ideas over tea, what sort of centerpiece would best convey the idea "I would like to rule you with an iron fist."?

Sincerely,

SacrificialLoon I

compound complex

Dear Sacrificial Loon,

Your plan is sheer delight! I personally feel that more of the local citizenry should become leaders and commence throwing their considerable collective weight around. Too many chiefs and not enough Native Americans? Bah. Let's all get into the fray and show the little guy who's boss!

To the centerpiece. Are you desirous of a subtle but nevertheless grip-them-by-the-throat gentle approach? Perhaps something a little more direct and visually arresting?

As to the more refined and delicate approach, I would lay out your requisite table-covering textiles in hues of quiet retreat: fawn or thrush grey with tiny hints of Hawthorne Scarlet. In an exquisitely wrought Biedelmeier Vase settle in as large a Venus Fly Trap that you can afford. In its center place photographic images of your guests. In the background have playing recorded verse by A. Mesmer and let the magic take place (check out THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, with Jackie Joseph).

The more direct approach? I would highly suggest - NO, I am insisting - that you study the sinisterly compelling deployment of Angela Lansbury in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE and use that as a basis for a most provocative and definitive means of world ownership. You will require no more than a mere pack of cards for your piece-de-resistance centerpiece.

Would this be connected to the highly-touted NEW WORLD ORDER?

Happy Homemaker!

SacrificialLoon

Happy Homemaker,

Thank you for the ideas. I shall implement them, and if they are successful I shall appoint you global czar of home decor when my plans for world domination are complete.

In regards to your question concerning "The New World Order" I cannot say much, but mine is one of many orders competing to impose itself upon the world. So you might say mine is *a* new world order, but not *the* new world order... yet.

Your future emperor,

Sacrificial Loon I

compound complex

Dear Sacrificial Loon,

My means of communication is about to be cut off by hostile infiltrating organic elements.

I am grateful to have been of help to you. Perhaps at another time we can discuss terms ...

Yours Most Sincerely,

Happy Hom

compound complex

Dear Happy Homemaker,

I live in a very old house whose entire interior is done up in oil-base paints containing lead. While keeping an adequate supply of old-growth trees available to my bevy of beavers (housebroken), still, I am concerned that they might go after my painted cornices and become dizzy - or die an excruciatingly painful death.

How do I get the lead out?

Thank you,

Adela Birch

Dear Ms. Birch,

Are your rodents literate? Post this warning sign: THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT GNAWING LEAD-CONTAINING PAINTED SURFACES MAY RESULT IN DIZZINESS OR AN EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL DEATH. I've seen this signage at the local 5 & 10 cent store. If your naughty gnawers do not read English, go online and find the equivalent in an appropriate tongue. It is imperative that you protect yourself against potential litigation.

Have all your sources of flowing H2O been dammed?

Happy Homemaker!

compound complex

Dear Happy Homemaker,

Hi. My name is Rosemarie. I come from a long line of wonderful Italian cooks and chefs. However, it seems I'm missing the cuisnart gene. But I'm a fighter and am not about to give up. You see, I'm about to be married to a fellow countryman. Well, I say that in a loose sense, as we are 3rd generation Italian-Americans. Okay, I digress. You know how my people are infamous eating machines. And we breed more eating machines. My reason to life is to make my Antony happy and so proud of me, his Rosemarie, when the whole fam damily - his and mine - when they come over on Sundays for a little antepasto, and some vino and some pasta, and the main course. Followed up by the sfingi, some espresso ...

I seen my Mama and her sisters make all these wonderful dishes all my life and my Antony he just assumes I can do it. I can't.

Should I call off the wedding till I get it together?

Rosemarie

Dear Rosemarie,

This is most unusual. All Italians can cook! You must search your soul and determine if this is not perhaps all in your head. Have you told Mama what you've told me? I should think she would have noticed your major mishaps in la cucina by this late date. Be that as it may - or may not - there are some lovely cooking courses offered in your local junior colleges. Don't be afraid. Give it a try! Italian friends and relatives are always supportive when it comes to something as important as food!

As to calling off the wedding, that would depend on one major consideration - have the invitations already been posted?

Hope this helps!

Happy Homemaker!

compound complex

Dear Happy Homemaker,

I just read Rosemarie's letter. Poor girl! I feel bad for her, but at least I know my way around the kitchen. I'm in a muddle about one thing though. Two things, actually. On I LOVE LUCY Ricky and Fred were cooking dinner for Lucy and Ethel - a sort of surprise if I remember right - anywho, they confer on how to wash the chicken and decide on cleanser. I didn't know if that was a hidden message to the audience that properly prepared poultry prevents psalmonella. Was that scene only meant to be comic or is there some truth that chlorinated fowl is safer to eat than one that is merely roasted?

Point two - my uncle asked my aunt for chicken soup and she boiled the chicken and made soup from the broth. She presented my uncle with a bowl of soup and he asked where the meat was. She replied that she had thrown away the chicken. What I don't understand is why she divorced him.

My hat's off to you if you can figure this one out!

Thanks,

Judi

Dear Judi,

Anything learned on I LOVE LUCY cannot be questioned. Go with the wisdom of 50s sitcoms and your gut. Drink lots of water with your dinner.

As to the chicken toss and the divorce, I can only add that your uncle received the Pullet Surprise ...

Don't run afoul of the soup.

Happy Homemaker!

Ask Happy Homemaker!

Share this