by oompa 43 Replies latest jw friends
Sorry OOMP!!
Didn't want it to hurt, and i'm NOT worn out or tired...
Can one get tired of the OOMPSTER????
But, i had a feeling you wanted honest feedback.. and in that case, i was gonna let you see what we all seem to see.
We love ya, we're here for you. I'm SO happy to hear about the councelor, and the fact that she would go was great. SO maybe this will be a good turn-around. I'm proud that you're trying everything first. good boy!
How could I not love my twin brother from another mother (and father- but that doesn't rhyme)?
I love you, Oompa Loompa Doompadee doo.
.....maybe love is not enough.
That is a distinct possibility. Let me ask this, though. Do you love her enough to give it
a chance? Can you attempt to put religious differences aside? Can you walk on the beach
together and enjoy each other's company at a meal?
Many people have an abnormal situation in their marriage for one reason or another.
I don't say everyone must work it out. If you are miserable with current circumstances, they
need to change. They may change beyond what you or the JW will tolerate, thus continuing
someone's misery. But try, first.
Oompa is trying. He comes on here pouring his heart out the best way he knows how to.
He hasn't had sex on the side yet. He hasn't left his wife. Keep giving him advice because he
reads it. Just, like most of us, he may justify his position or claim he has already tried.
Still, maybe he is learning from the comments.
That said, I cannot totally put religious differences aside- BUT MOSTLY. There have to be
some compromises. I won't ever be having apostafests or even small gatherings of ex-JW's in our home.
She just wouldn't tolerate that. If you want to say how unfair it is, remember that life is unfair. If I
wanted to make it unfair on both of us, I could ask that no JW's come into the home, either.
But if I wanted friends who were never JW's, I should be able to have them in my home.
I wouldn't expect her to visit my family or friends for a holiday thingee, but I would ask anyway.
To reciprocate, she should understand when I don't want to go to a JW thingee. (She still asks)
I wouldn't try to drag her into a church for a wedding as she sees that as Babylon the Great,
but I would invite her along. I would understand that she wants to invite me to the Kingdom Hall
for a wedding, but would expect her to understand that I must say no.
I wouldn't ask her to skip a CA or SAD or DC to go on some trip with me. I wouldn't expect that she
would miss the memorial, but missing a meeting here and there for something, I would expect.
If you cannot live with similar compromises, perhaps you need to say that and move on.
This is where I'm at....As OTWO said....
That said, I cannot totally put religious differences aside- BUT MOSTLY. There have to be
some compromises. I won't ever be having apostafests or even small gatherings of ex-JW's in our home.
She just wouldn't tolerate that. If you want to say how unfair it is, remember that life is unfair. If I
wanted to make it unfair on both of us, I could ask that no JW's come into the home, either.
But if I wanted friends who were never JW's, I should be able to have them in my home.
I wouldn't expect her to visit my family or friends for a holiday thingee, but I would ask anyway.
To reciprocate, she should understand when I don't want to go to a JW thingee. (She still asks)
I wouldn't try to drag her into a church for a wedding as she sees that as Babylon the Great,
but I would invite her along. I would understand that she wants to invite me to the Kingdom Hall
for a wedding, but would expect her to understand that I must say no.
I wouldn't ask her to skip a CA or SAD or DC to go on some trip with me. I wouldn't expect that she
would miss the memorial, but missing a meeting here and there for something, I would expect.
((((((((Oompa))))))))
There is no doubt about it, you are in a very tough situation. Both of you probably feel very isolated and lonesome right now. Knowing you, Oompa, its impossible to keep all your feelings inside, and you just don't understand why your wife can't see the enormity of JW's betrayal and lies (I don't understand why MY husband doesn't quite see it either). Sometimes the only answer is patience, and you have to ask yourself if your relationship is worth waiting for.
And, yeah, I know its alot easier to say that than do it.
I think OTWO gave the very best advice, in effect to put as much weight on your partner's feelings as on your own. Now, I'm going to try to do that for my own husband.
Whatever you decide to do, you know that there will always be love and support for you right here on this board.
Who could not love Oompa?
I have that Kiss song running through my head now, thanks Oompa.
OK, now, talk about timing. I'm a UBM and am having the same issues, dear Oomp. JW hubby always tells me he loves me and when I answer "I love you, too", I feel like I'm lying. OTWO's post was basically "separate but equal"...you know, "I'll invite you even though I know you'll say 'no' and you'll invite me..." When does it end? What is a marriage when you are living separate lives? When do you stop being married and become roommates?
Hubby spent 36 out of 72 hours this weekend at the DC. He's gone Tuesday & Thursday nights, Saturday mornings/aftenoons (service & personal study) and Sunday mornings. He only does enough around the house and with the kids so he can say he contributes and when I bring all this up, his answer is "if you were with me..." and my answer to that is "when Hell freezes over". I've asked him to leave and he won't. Consequently, I'm dealing with depression now (we have a child, it's complicated).
If you love her Oompa, work it out, but if it gets to the point where you can't take it any more...bail. This religion is a cancer and it eats away at a person's mind until they don't know who they are any more and, until they wake up and cut out the tumor, they're lost in a maze of nonsensical doctrines and stuck on a hamster wheel of continuous busy work. And when you have all that crap, when do you have time to actually be a husband/wife and father/mother?
Good luck, Oompa.
Mrs. Witness, I threw it out there but said it might not work for others.
If you cannot live with similar compromises, perhaps you need to say that and move on.
There is a point where you cannot meet halfway. A domineering husband who doesn't
do his share at home with the kids- you can't just excuse that because of meetings and
field circus. He should be pulling his weight on non-meeting nights and cut down on that
magazine distributing. His own religion says to preside over his own household in a fine
manner.
If a spouse cannot get over depression in a compromise, then the compromise is not right
for them.
I just wanted Oompa to think about the effort he has put in and is willing to put in to save
his marriage. For some, it won't work. For some, the JW won't compromise. For some,
the non-JW won't compromise. That's fine. The JW's outlines for public talks mention
something about marriage not being 50/50 but 100/100. You cannot always meet halfway.
You have to give all the way on some things and expect your partner to do the same. If
it cannot be worked out, I see no problem with divorcing.
I do see a problem with not attempting to compromise and see where that takes you.
For myself, I cannot see refusing my wife time to adjust to my new set of values and goals in
life that don't include JW's. Is it a "separate but equal" thing? YES, in some cases. But
not overall. We travel, shop, dine, relax, visit family together. We are not always leading
separate lives. I would agree that too much of separate lives would be better spent separated,
but if my life partner is still there for me, then I should still be there for her.
Let me be clear. It won't work for many out here. But make sure it won't work before you
throw it away.
With a face like yours who wouldn't love you!
I hear you OTWO. You hit the nail on the head. I wasn't trying to bash, just trying to get a grip on when to say when.
Thank you OTWO..my twin...just thank you...and i will call you first next thursday...........oompa
