just a typical marital counseling session????? (page 4)

oompa

changeling:
She is probably holding her breath waiting for you to lose it again. That is a scary way to live. I do believe you may be exagerating when you say you've been on "27 different drugs". Regardless, it's a process and not always an easy one to find what works. You owe it to yourself, your wife, and perhaps a future wife (if it goes that way) to face and handle your issues in a consistant, effective manner.
Also, if you commit to getting help for the drinking and bi-polar issues and stay sober and stable for a period of time, maybe your wife will begin to see that your leaving the WT is a whole different issue. Maybe then she will be more open to compromise. I feel you both need to see these as separate issues and stop confusing them.

Living a double life gets scary too. I may have actually underestimated the drugs...seriously. They had me on six at one time once!....and changed them every few months over three years so do the math....finding the right drug or combo is a total crapshoot....really, there is no science involved, no type of test to take ie, blood test. Keep in mind darlin you have only met me twice, and we have not had a long term friendship (yet), but I do respect your opinion.

What seperate issues? And how can she compromise that good ol christain trained conscience? She will NOT go against it................oompa

MsMcDucket

No I dont lance.......I am a nice guy....a softee......I dont want to hurt anyone........so I can pay a pro to force issues I just may not be able to address. I may not have your balls, but am not ashamed of this fact, that is just how I am............oompa

Oompa, I was raised in "Christendom". I was told to respect my marriage vows and to put others before myself. So, you end up thinking that you have to "do the right thing" according to God or whoever. You are going to be very unhappy staying in a marriage "just because". It's okay to think of yourself and to love yourself.

You need to tell the therapist to tell you how to love yourself. Once, you realize that this is not a selfish thing, I think that you'll be able to make a decision about your marriage.

If your wife loves you enough, some lightbulbs should start popping on in her head! If not, you have to go on. Life is too short!

Work on your assertiveness! Don't be a martyr.

MsMcDucket

Oompa, have you really disconnected from the religion? Think about it. You're still letting it dictate things in your life.

oompa

msMcDucket.....I could just run far far away.......have wanted to quite often. I can not control the fact that this religion still effects me...it controls nearly my entire family and all my friends, so ya, it still has effects on me unless I just hit the high seas...........oompa....and doing that shows their effect too

10p

Obviously I'm not an expert ... but I think if you've got mental health problems, that is the greater issue in your marriage. Focus on that in the counseling. The JW life certainly is a huge contributor to bi-polar - my sister's bipolar improved immensely once she left the JWs, but nevertheless, any weakness on your part will be seen by your wife as the reason for your apostasy.

I'll give you an example. A family friend left the org a few years ago. He went round to his friends, told them he didnt believe it anymore, and was leaving 'the truth'. No one questioned him why - they didn't want to know the actual issues that caused him to leave. Once he was gone, stories started circulating that he had had porn addiction problems. Like instead of facing that he might have actually found out its not the truth, they started reasoning in their minds that he had left because of a porn addiction??!@? WTF!?!

In my experience, it was easier for me, because I'm naturally a nerd, good-two-shoes. When I left, for about 6 months I was angry and a bad person. But then I came right, and became a better husband and father than ever before. I've always remained reasonable, though sometimes I've slightly raised my voice when talking about religious issues. So then I found it easy to take the moral high ground, with absolutely no guilt on my shoulders, and basically say to my wife "The organisation is wrong. Its a cult. I have looked at both sides of the issue. I have reasoned on the information. YOU are the one who is too scared to look at this information. Its just words printed on paper. Who is the one here who is being irrational?" Something along those lines anyway. And she knew it. She was feeling guilty inside all this time, because she knew I was the better person.

I don't really know what your personal issues are Oompa, and I feel for you. I hope you see that I'm not judging you, but I believe you will need to try and sort out your own personal issues first, before your wife will ever be able to see that you've left the organisation for valid reasons, rather than because of your 'problems.' I could be wrong on all this, of course, but its just a point of view.

All the best, mate.

flipper

OOMPA- You know I care friend ! We have talked at length before. I was married 19 years to a witness wife. Divorced in 1998. She refused to get marriage counseling - even though the elders suggested she do so ! Weirdly enough. She blamed everyone else for the way she acted. Me, her stepmother raising her, stepuncles , the milkman , anybody else but herself. It is called a " flight from " or " avoidance " of responsibility that she had ANYTHING to do with the downfall of our marriage. True I had my faults- but in 19 years of marriage, I can count on 2 fingers the times the woman EVER apologized for any blunder on HER part.

I guess what I'm trying to explain to you is I think you and your wife's problem's may run a lot deeper than just say- your depression or alcohol abuse, her witness membership, your non-witness membership . It could be there are multiple hidden problems that your marriage therapist may have to extract out of your wife from her past- as well as your past , so keep an open mind to that prospect in future meetings with the therapist ! The posters who said this can't be done in just 1 session are not bull$hitting you. It's very true. If both you and your wife do the work needed, there may be hope . But it's going to take work , especially on getting your wife to open up to the counselor ! Good luck guy, call anytime you want to talk man, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

OnTheWayOut

....it just came out...."I don't know if I can stay married to a JW"...Wife burst into tears...and never let up...

To be fair, you did say "at some point..." It's not like you just sat down and the counselor said
"What's up?" and you immediately replied with the above. Still, regardless of what led up to it,
that was hard on Mrs. Oompa.

...so the lady asks if we could have others over that were not JW ever...like a neighbor of another faith....of course Wife said she only wanted to be around those with the same beliefs and knows ahead of time there would be just too many differences in non-jws, so she would not want to try that. the lady was kind of speechless....

So that shows how some will not seek a compromise, a middle ground, or listen to a reasonable
request. F^#ck this f^#cking cult that is so f^#cked up. I would not ask my wife to have ex-JW's in the house while she is home. If I wanted a compromise,
I would ask that no JW's come into the house while I am home. If the exclusion is at all times, then
I might implement the NO JW's or EX-JW's at ANY TIME rule. But no others either- just ridiculous.

I know that JW's have their whole life revolve around the WTS, but the common ground you seek with
this restriction in place is that of shutting everyone out of the marital home, and agreeing to separate
lives except for your "scheduled time together." That does seem like a miserable compromise.

Perhaps the counselor will help you both to see how to give and take. Give her a few sessions to at
least acknowledge how this exclusionist attitude is not reasonable.

Awakened at Gilead

Oomps.

I can't add much more to this thread... What I can say us that change hurts... don't be surprised that it is hard on your wife or hard on you... tears will be shed...

I agree with Jerry that you should try to reason with your wife as to why she won't accept non-JWs into her home... you accept that she brings JWs, so why can't you bring non-JWs or even ex-JWs...

In my case, I haven't brought anyone to my home, but that is not because I have not insisted that I have the right to. I have told my wife in no uncertain terms that I have the right to invite any of my friends home, whether non or exJWs...

But be patient.... I applaud you for taking this first step in the right direction... it may take time, but be as honest with Mrs. oompa as much as you can, even though the truth hurts... but at least its the truth (which is more than we can say about the WTS, lol!)

Lance

OnTheWayOut

but no beauty queen like yours!

Shhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is a non-issue.

...where can she give?..........oompa

The house can be a neutral zone.
Get to know the neighbors.
Meeting nights and C.O. visits and DC's and CA's
are her time with the JW's. She can have her
field circus time on Saturday morning or some
similar time, but you get the same kind of
consession. You have to have other times for
each other.

While I know she won't agree to all of that, it is certain
that these are reasonable requests of a strained marriage
of differing beliefs.

Otherwise, let her be the unreasonable person and throw
her own WT teachings out there to show how she is supposed
to respect you and let you take the lead in the family.

oompa

OTWO: Get to know the neighbors.
Meeting nights and C.O. visits and DC's and CA's
are her time with the JW's. She can have her
field circus time on Saturday morning or some
similar time, but you get the same kind of
consession. You have to have other times for
each other.

Get to know the neighbors.....without her present?....great. And consessions?.......great! That is a word I want associated with my marriage? consessions? otwo...this does not appeal to my nature of a loving, sharing, equal, marriage.....she has her cirucus time so i get some of the same kind???....i have NOTHING like circus time, and dont want it.....sorry...........oompa

the time with each other is the best....but is that all there is?....i need more than that

just a typical marital counseling session?????

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