Sometimes it just sucks being a watchtower widow. Other times I feel he is mentally ill in a way. I know some of you may find offense at that but what is my other choice? To know and think on a daily basis that he has chosen an org that I find as reprehensible as the Nazi's in many ways over his wife and children? That would be too painful on a daily basis so we play little psychological tricks on ourselves to get through the day. Some days I pity him because he is being so misled and he has damaged his relationships almost beyond repair and seems to have no clue about it, or has been trained not to care what his 'worldly' family feels. There are a number of milestones in the kids lives he has missed that are so monumental to the kids, they will never really forgive him for a few of them, not sure I would either. There are days he is his 'authentic self' and old memories flood back, which later just pisses me off because it never lasts of course. Another meeting or fs is right around the corner to muck it all up. Some days it is like having to live someone who has dumped you. Many who have found out he has become a jw have lost enormous respect for him and again he has no clue, they will usually say 'I thought he was smarter than that'.
After a few years which I have tried every known anti cult suggestion (except for the old kidnapping deprogramming) I believe a jw must come to their own conclusions in their own time. That does not mean I will always be here to accept his treatment and abandonment. I do not leave him alone with the kids and can literally count the times in the past few years he has even been alone in the car to the grocery with them. Nobody in my family leaves their children alone with him even for a walk around the yard because he cannot help himself, though there does seem to be some improvement in that area.
All that being said, we are able to go out and have a really nice time. I get tired of the elephant following us and having to always keep in mind the jw thing as he may be offended at something so easily now or find something 'immoral' even if it had nothing immoral attached to it, his mind just works that way now. The wt has very sucessfully put that wedge in. Often there will be some pretty terrible things going on in the family and we all decide not to tell him because he will either send jw's over or go himself and attempt to tell the victim, couple, ill person, (pick your trouble) that they are sinners and if they will just join him at the khell all their troubles will be fixed. And so they lose even more respect for him for being such a cold uncaring ass. Let's say a woman got the crap beat out of her, she really doesn't care at that moment or weeks following that 'he means well'. He sounds like an arrogant ass.
Somedays me & kids laugh about some really stupid stuff he has said and they wonder where the heck he got it from. Then there are the movies & shows that have jw references, never in a good light, and we try very hard not to laugh while he is there and giggle about it later. Once he even laughed and claimed 'we really aren't that bad'. So there is humor here about the whole situation. Either laugh or cry and we (me & kids) have all had enough tears so we try to laugh about the insanity of it all and say 'some day......' And 'some day' will come and he will wonder what the hell happened.
