Thanks to all of you, and thanks especially for your posts, Joel and Andi.
ashi
They shun you--Do you love them?
by ashitaka 35 Replies latest jw friends
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VeniceIT
Hell ya!!! It's still to painful to talk about sometimes, so well that's all I'm gonna say about that!!!
Ven
"Injustice will continue until those who are not affected by it are as outraged as those who are."
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ShaunaC
I've recently been thinking a lot about this. I've been out for 3 years. At first I was so pushed by the andrenaline to have a new life I didn't much let my lost relationship with my family, especially my parents, affect me. About a year and a half after being away I really began to feel the effects of all that I had gone through. It launched me into a depression that manifested itself by uncontrollable crying, no sobbing, every month, then every couple of weeks.
I dealt with my parents by first writing them a long letter which explained my actions. In it I also reaffirmed my unconditional love for them and my desire to receive that in return. Three months later we had a meeting at my house in which they plainly stated that I was not acceptable to them while not a JW. The conversation ended with them walking out of my place, not saying a word, not even a goodbye. My mother threw a 5 page letter on the table on the way out that was full of every guilt trip imaginable. I never thought a mother could express such mean and vengeful words to her own daughter.
Starting at that moment I realized that my parents were not capable due to thier association with the Borg to love me unconditionally. And I realized that I didn't need people like that in my life.
Although as time has passed things have gotten a little better, (I last saw them in August when they even came to my house of sin w/ Nick and went out to dinner with us and had a postive time) I find that I don't miss them anywhere near how I used to. Despite our last encounter being a good one, I don't have much of a desire to call or see them. The longer we don't have a relationship, the less I miss it.
It's very important to me now to have people in my life that love me for me. Whatever that is! Whether they agree with me or not! That's what unconditional love is. I don't want anyone in my life that cannot give me that. I've gone through too much to finally learn how to love myself to let anyone, especially my parents, disrespect me like that.
Now I've come to view them as simply my biological parents. Sadly we no longer have anything in common and they have no desire to make that better. I will continue to perform my duty as a daughter and look after them from time to time and be there to help if ever called upon. But other than that they are usually always referred to in the past tense, like a childhood friend that you kinda wonder where they are now but mostly dwell on those fun times you had all those years ago. That's all I have with my parents, all those years ago that feel like a completely different person to me now.
Do I love them? Sure, but it's not the same love. Do I miss them? Sure, but if I can't share anything about my wonderful life now, what's the point? As they are, I have no use for them. Perhaps I've lost my own unconditional love for them. Perhaps that's what was crucial in allowing me to move on with my life without them.
How sad that I had to give that up! But how empowering that I was able to do it! It's always a double-edged sword!
Shauna
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Cygnus
Like Joel, I occasionally have dreams about former buddies. Some of them I've known for 20 years and haven't spoken a word to in 4.
However, I've learned to resist such feelings and go about life as a completely emotionless asshole.
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waiting1
Howdy,
Remember Hitler? He knew what he was doing - he designed a system where people would humiliate, then hate, the very essence of others such as Jews, Gypsies, later jw's, homosexuals, etc. Oh, don't forget the mentally incapacitated - easy target. He knew how to keep people under control, divide and conquor - while keeping his target audience unified.
The WTBTS has learned well. We are the disposable ones. I miss some, and I know they think I'm weak. Screw them.
We will survive - just like those that fought outright, or quietly, against Hitler. It's our choice to have a better life.
I would assume that the Jews who fled to America, and lost everything, missed the things they lost - but they survived, and some had a better life.
Enjoy. It's our right to have our own lives.
waiting
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jayhawk1
I am afraid I have a different view that most. I was wronged like all of you were. They don't have any love for me, so why should I? They kicked me out of their lives, they condemned me, and they are the ones saying God will kill me. So why should I care what happens to them? I know my words look like anger, but I am just thinking about this logically. If they loved me, they would never act the way they do now. If they were to come back and say, "Jeremy, we were wrong, could you ever forgive me?" I would forgive them.
"Hand me that whiskey, I need to consult the spirit."-J.F. Rutherford
Jeremy's Hate Mail Hall Of Fame.
http://hometown.aol.com/onjehovahside/ and [email protected] -
25ashitaka25
Jay,
I'm afraid I'm leaning towards your view..I love people, but I still HATE so much. It may fade, or it may blossom into disgust. who knows?
ashi
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garybuss
Hi Ashi, All,
To me, love is not a feeling it's an action. The feeling might inspire the action but without the action there is no love. Sorta like hunger without eating. So to love someone is to relate to them, serve them or help them in some way. It's like asking me if I hug the shunners. I might want to hug them but if they refuse to let me hug them, they are un-huggable. And my answer will have to be: *No, I don't hug the shunners.* (Because they are un-hugg-able = unable to be hugged)Same with love. A hug and love by nature are the same. Both are are actions. I might want to love them but they have blocked that love, making them *un-lovable* = unable to be loved. So if they are *un-lovable* by me then I can not love them by their choice. So my desire to love them is unfulfilled. Just like hunger without food. I have a desire to eat. I am hungry. But I am blocked from eating by someone, so I remain un-full-filled (not full).
That is what the shunners accomplish by making themselves unlovable. A dead person is unlovable because they can not receive love. The shunners keep us in the desire (hunger) stage and we can never be the good son or daughter or brother or sister by interacting or providing material things like food or sharing shelter. By rejecting us they keep us un-full-filled. The trick is to find a restaurant that is open. Get a hot meal. Find a person that is hug-able. Give em a hug. Find people who will accept service, gifts and favors from us - find people who are loveable and love them.
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waiting1
fine post, gary........following your advice.
((((((((((((garybuss)))))))))))))
ok. ok.
((((((((((((everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))))))))))))
We deserve it!
waitng
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jayhawk1
Gary,
Oh, how I wish I could write like you. I was thinking along similar lines, and I could never express myself as well as you just did.Ashi,
I hope you figure out what works best for you. Just don't loose any sleep over those who will not receive your love. As always, I am glad you post here. I am also glad we have this board to exercise our feelings. My girl-friend has no idea what I am talking about, because nobody that has not been in our shoes, can understand what the shunning is like."Hand me that whiskey, I need to consult the spirit."-J.F. Rutherford
Jeremy's Hate Mail Hall Of Fame.
http://hometown.aol.com/onjehovahside/ and [email protected]