Successful JW/Non-JW Relationships... How do you make it work?

by cognac 26 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  cognac

  I was thinking we could talk about what works for couples who have good JW/Non-JW relationships. Maybe we could get ideas from eachother to help improve ourselves and our relationships!

  I'll start. A couple things I did...

  1. I had to stop trying to make him change his beliefs.

  2. Established the fact that he had to stop trying to change my viewpoint also. If I felt like talking about something, he should respect my opinion whether or not it differs from his. However, there is no need to make him aware of my anti-JW views constantly.

  3. Really, just brought religion out of our conversations for the most part. Established many common interests in other things.

  4. When it comes to holidays, we simply have seasonal gatherings. If our gatherings happen to fall on a holiday out of convenience, then so be it. I will have treasure hunts with gifts during our winter festivals for example.

  Ok, so what kinds of things have you done?
• 

  tiffy0212

  For me I keep a clean home, worked outside the home for 20 years, did all the things I thought we correct. My husband told me on our 42nd anniversay that we live in a divided home and the bible says that if we cannot live in peace to seperate. We never go out together he is just too busy with meetings and even does more at the hall since his retirement. I will be leaving the home sometime in March or April as soon as I get my Social Security as I am not allowed to even know what we have in the bank. No funds available for me. His only love is his god, the organization and his father, brother, sister and his two children. We don't even talk since his comment on our anniversay, and that was in August. Whatever you are doing keep it up. Sounds like you are doing something good and your mate seems to have a level head, mine is a religious fanatic. I will be sending a three page letter to his circuit overseer and a copy to the headquarters. I want them to see what it is like to live with a true christian. Wish you all the best.
• 

  yknot

  My marriage has always been unevenly yoked........ (Me JWborn- Him Southern Baptist)

  We agree to disagree....

  We respect the right of the other to bestow their religious faiths on the children.

  If he wants 'pagan days' he has to set it up himself, but I am more then happy to do the take down.

  Xmas- we attend service, but he has adopted to participate in the national JW clearance celebration in lieu of Xmas gifts (which of course is the week after Xmas)

  NewYears......we are sleeping,

  Valentines......we both think is too commercialized

  St Patty's Day........ we all are wearing green and eating corned beef.....which my daughter thinks is soooo stoooopid!

  April Fools Day........ kids go all out

  Memorial........ we all attend (his only JW event)......this said if the service is held after 8pm again many of us mother are boycotting. 2008 Memorial was an absolute disaster, kids were cranky, and we were pack like sardines. See several of us mother with really small children sneak out of TMS early to get kiddies to bed.

  Easter......Sunrise Service, a basket, some BBQ and me mumbling to myself....but grateful there are no eggs!

  Mothers/Fathers Day.....depends on mood

  Fourth of July.......yes like all the other JWs in my area!

  Halloween......nobody celebrates in my area except for Wal-mart......fall festivals are what the "wordly people" do now. Daddy takes them around to the various events at the local churches and schools.

  Thanksgiving.........oh crap it is my year to host!

  Seasons are recognized and glory is given to the creator and decorated accordingly. For instance we have pumpkins, gourds and bales of hay along with a scarecrow family representing us.... This will remain our porch and lawn decorations until winter.

  We don't do birthdays but rather have a family celebration period that starts with our wedding anniversay and ends with the first weekend in Sept....covering all the kids birthdays. Neither of us celebrate our personal B-days cuz we agreed to permenantly remain the ages we met....thus my husband is 23 and I am 19 until death due us part.

  We keep a healthy sex life, make time to keep connected emotionally as a couple (cuz kids eventually move-out), make a point to plan and execute yearly goals together to keep us bonded as team and partnership (the last one was a new deck, which was a 'patience' challenge) and lots of family and couples getaways!
• 

  nameless_one

  For me I keep a clean home, worked outside the home for 20 years, did all the things I thought we correct. My husband told me on our 42nd anniversay that we live in a divided home and the bible says that if we cannot live in peace to seperate. We never go out together he is just too busy with meetings and even does more at the hall since his retirement. I will be leaving the home sometime in March or April as soon as I get my Social Security as I am not allowed to even know what we have in the bank. No funds available for me. His only love is his god, the organization and his father, brother, sister and his two children. We don't even talk since his comment on our anniversay, and that was in August.

  
  tiffy0212, you need a lawyer, if you don't already have one. If your husband means to separate from you and divorce, you absolutely ARE allowed to know what you have in the bank, and you also can't be made to leave your home with no support and no knowledge of or access to your joint assets. Please talk to an attorney; from your brief description here, it sounds like you are on the verge of getting screwed badly.
  
  As for how UBMs can make a relationship work with a believing JW -- it can be done, but at a cost. In my own situation (I am the UBM), I've done and continue to do all of the things Cognac listed in the original post, and they're good suggestions. But it is EXHAUSTING and also comes at a great price (crazy, meddling JW family; fear of having children; constant tension about the billion triggers that JWism plants in people's minds that can burst out at any time; on and on).
  
  Sorry if that all sounds incredibly negative. I do think such relationships can be made to work, but there are tons of problems. I have been dealing with this crap for five years now and am exhausted. Anyone thinking about entering into such a relationship should run away fast IMHO. Those already in know how hard it can be. It can work, but yeah at a cost, likely a huge one. My two cents.
• 

  sacolton

  You have to ignore the 500lbs pink gorilla in the living room.
• 

  justhuman

  I did, by spliting up....
• 

  jgnat

  Cognac and Yknot, I think you summed it up very well. I have it easier on several fronts. He knew what I believed when he married me. I stick up for my rights, fiercly. I am tolerant of his beliefs. We have no Witness in-laws. And we won't have children together.

  You see how well I defend myself, both logically and biblically, on this board. Now imagine being MARRIED to me. Hubby has wisely sorted out that the battle ain't worth it.

  By the way, our original compact to be mutually respectful of our beliefs is frequently broken...by him. The constant jibes against Christendom and the "world", I think, desensitize him to how hurtful it is.
• 

  Emma

  This if for Tiffy. You need to call an attorney. Explain your situation and ask for referals to organizations for women experiencing changes in their lives. You have a right to half your assets. I know they may not be many if your husband has always been in the organization and you may not own a home or have a retirement plan. I'm wishing you the best.

  Cognac, it sounds like you're doing all you possibly can to make your relationship work. I'm wishing you the best, too.

  Emma
• 

  insearchoftruth

  Yes, it is not an easy path to follow, but I think a big decision is the issue of children. As my wife is studying again, I will discuss the topic of children with her and we need to be able to not have one...we have a 15 year old from her first marriage, it would not be right to bring a child into the midst of this turmoil.

  We do have some JW relatives, but they are not in the area which helps matters a lot, she has no affinity to spend time with the JWs yet, except for the scheduled time and it amazes me she really does not know a lot about the JWs.....

  Mutual respect is very huge, and I know what you mean jgnat, she is the one that often does not respect mine, comments on the Trinity, false religions and even making negative comments about my preparation to vote.....

  I think a logical defense is also quite important....I try very hard not to speak off the cuff when she asks me a question, and I have also gotten a lot better about asking questions of her that I know are just going to put her on the defensive.

  How are your spouses around the house, do they come home from JW activities in a sort of haughty mood like they are so special that they have the truth, or are they able to the 'authentic self' around the house...

  How do you handle issues like holidays, I have a confirmation cross that I have hanging and I know it bothers her, plus displaying the flag. Also, are windchimes still a no-no?
• 

  Honesty

  We split.

  Now my ex tells the kids that I didn't give the truth enough chances.