by cognac 24 Replies latest jw friends
I have had a similar problem,lets face it some people are not cut out to be grand parents but I persevere and my children still get a lot from the contact even if its me taking them to the grandparents all the time.
I will say I don't agree with those that advocate a sort of reverse shunning were you keep the child and yourself away from the grandparents.
In my opinion children are worth the sacrifices of keeping at least were the kids are concerned contact for their benefit.
Reniaa
I will say I don't agree with those that advocate a sort of reverse shunning were you keep the child and yourself away from the grandparents.
It's not that I would keep them completely away but it would be limited. My father was very abusive physically to us as children and my mother allowed it. Even though they can't get away with this anymore because we are to old now, they clearly still carry that abusive mentality. I feel it's for the protection of my child that I am careful. It's not something that I want to do at all though...
Cognac, I feel your pain. My mother would take every opportunity to undermine my authority as the mother and try to plant JW ideas in my son's head. She would tell him that I was wrong about how I was raising him, i.e., not as a Dub. One day my son challenged me, asking me why he had to do something. Frustrated, I answered, "Because I'm your mother and I told you to do it." His response? "Well, Grandma's your mother and she says that I don't have to do it. So you have to do what she says." From that time on, I would not leave my son in a room with my family unless I was present.
We want it to be like the Waltons but the Dubs just won't let us. It's sad.
StAnn
"Well, Grandma's your mother and she says that I don't have to do it. So you have to do what she says."
From that time on, I would not leave my son in a room with my family unless I was present.
I don't blame you.
Boundaries are hard to set-up and maintain but if you can do so with balance then go for it!
That said, boundaries will be violated sometime accidently others intentionally.
JW grandparents are just as eager to have their grandkids in the New System as they are to spend the night over the weekend.
I don't have a dominate personality compared to my parents but if you do....... sit them down tell, make a chart of what yall agree on religiously and what yall don't. Tell them these are the areas acceptable to discuss with you and your child.
The comments about your hubby MS position is a crock! The society made privilege provisions for unevenly yoked Brothers back in the 90's!
Of course guilt trips are a two way street too......
I in no way glossed over words and pretty much said what I felt. I was angry. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted more then anything for my family to have a close relationship with my child. I wiped the slate clean and involved her in my life much more so that my child can have a relationship with her. With the words that came out of her mouth I realized that this cannot be. So I was angry. Not for me so much, but because my child is has to lose out on a normal, loving relationship with her.
I should have known better. But, I ignored my gut because I wanted this for my child so much. Now, it's time for me to let her go for my own childs sake if nothing else. She is just to abusive. It's sad that things have to be like this. I will let her and other JW family into my childs life but I will have to be extremely careful about how I do that.
Don't burn bridges behind you -You, like everyone else (and I am speaking about myself here) will grow older. Your mother will die. You will then sit and think about all the things you said to her. You can't take them back, but you will hurt because you hurt her. You may just sit, like I do sometimes, and just say the word, Mother, because it was a word you regularly uttered and have no reason to say now.
It has been eight months since my mother died. She loved me.She changed my diapers, and sat up with me when I was sick. She liked my first grade pictures. She worried about me, and told me to be careful.
Your mom cares about your children. O.K., so she's a dub. She can't help it. She feels that she is showing her love. My mother wasn't a JW but could still drive me crazy sometimes, but we never turned our backs on each other. She was my mother. You only get one, and none are perfect.
Maybe you should lighten up, and appreciate that you have a mother. Take a deep breath and calm down before you speak. You don't have to be with her everyday, and yes, you can be careful what goes on with your child, but don't go to the extreme of shutting her out of your and your child's life. A grandparent is a gift for your child.
Tough realizations.
Also, the Jesus that they want us to know would not be obsessed with
climbing the organizational ladder. Mister Cognac has to take care of
his family above all else. If his wife has doubts or depressions or whatever,
let him be there for her before he decides to be there for the Instruction Talk.
He is instructed by the Bible or by the WTS (same thing in their eyes) on
how to be a fine "head" of his household. It's not up to a mother or mother-in-law
outside of his marital arrangement to cast any blame.
Your mom cares about your children. O.K., so she's a dub. She can't help it. She feels that she is showing her love. My mother wasn't a JW but could still drive me crazy sometimes, but we never turned our backs on each other. She was my mother. You only get one, and none are perfect.
It's not just that she's a dub. I can ignore stupid comments. What really set me off was that my dad was so physically abusive to us and my mom allowed it. So, when she sits there and acts like she was such a great mom and wife, it really pisses me off.
They are both abusive, JW or not. Forgiving what they did is very difficult.
I won't go to any extreme's about shutting her out. I just can't let them in as much as I wanted to because of there abusive mentality... I would feel this way even if they were not JWs...
COGNAC- I remember you telling me a few months ago how you reconnected with some of your non-witness relatives, aunts, grandmothers, etc. Perhaps a suggestion would be to include those loving relatives in your newborn's life even more than the influential " cultish witnesses " so your baby can see what real, authentic, normal love is in a family which treats it's mother with love and respect . Just a thought
Quandry said don't burn bridges,,I agree. Spend less time with them unless they come to you.
Did you doing any SHOPPING for baby clothes today? I saw the Mall traffic was very light today.
DJK
