Is my life reaching to a dead end?I need a way out...

by justhuman 42 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  mustang

  She asked you back: I note that there are children. I would guess that she msisied you or that it was getting impractical to not have you around, at the least.

  But, she has turned on you: this is Mental Cruelty and Intentional Infliction of Mental Distress. These are Causes of Action for Civil proceedings in this country. Your legal customs may differ, but I suspect they are close. This is not for you to use against her, nor is this legal advice. This is FOR YOUR INFORMATION to assess your position.

  If she wanted you back, you obeyed. You are being Harrassed and you take it. You have proven that you can go out and away and won't die.

  She DOESN'T HOLD ALL THE CARDS. You can play the Subjection card.

  Worst case scenario: she rebels and won't hear it, the eLDER's won't reason with her and rather advise her about "Spiritual Endangerment".

  Then, things would soon face Divorce. You could play that card or she could, depending on how serious she is about having the upper hand.

  There you have it: you can lead a life of quiet frustration and desperation (salvaging things this way but being miserable) or perhaps equalize matters and achieve a peaceful but imperfect marriage or just make an end of it.

  Three possible outcomes and you can be at the helm.

  Mustang
• 

  BonaFide

  I have an idea for you. It is not too pretty but you may want to do it.

  Get yourself reinstated. Go back to enough meetings and say you will be loyal to the organization. Act happy and really get into it. Say you have been "snatched out of the fire."

  I know some will disagree with me, but if you want your family and kids, that may be the only way for now.

  I am still a practicing JW. I worked with the C.O. last week in service. I comment and give talks.

  Since I brought up a few inconsistencies with my family about the WT,they treated me very bad. So now I am pretending to believe. I put service time in, I comment.

  It works to a certain extent.

  In your situation, just remember that no reasoning with them will work. The bottom line is, "The Organization is right, and Jehovah is running things." So if you want your family back, you can wait until the Organization falls apart, or you can get back in it and pretend.

  There are some on this forum who are practicing Witnesses, but who know its not the truth.

  BF
• 

  Cheetos

  Um, it sounds like to me your wife was like my ex-wife in that so called truth both mine and yours are useing the WT dogma to minipulate you with, I have been there after a while I told my wife to shut her cake hole, I am telling you a naggy wife with a Watchtower in her hand will drive you to drink, they think they have more power or something. Your going to have get some bigger ranch eggs and tell hher to get back honky cat.
• 

  no more kool aid

  Just Human, I feel for you, what an awful situation. Can you reason with your wife that she asked you back because she probably realized that the children were better off with you around. She is probably better off financially with you there. But now she's trying to bully you and get everything her way. You really need to stand up to her (this coming from a woman) or she's just going to walk you into the ground. Set up some firm boundaries (you should not be told to leave your own home),remind her she and the children are benefiting from this arrangement too. Then I would tell you the same thing I would tell a woman in your shoes, start bettering yourself, go back to school. I seems like such an up hill climb but please just start small. Could you take a class the nights she is at the meeting? I started back to school a long time ago. Everyone said your going to graduate in 2006? Why bother? Well 2006 came and went and I have my degree. The kids will have you there in their formative years and then if you decide to leave later you will be in the drivers seat. Please don't see your life as a dead end, it doesn't have to be. Take care
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  She is having parties for the kids at home frequently, and I'm asked not to be there when her "friends" will come.

  This is something I made quite clear to my ex - that I will NEVER allow myself to be treated like a second class citizen in my own home. People were welcome provided they didn't shun me. I told her if anyone tried to shun me in my own home they'd fly out the door face first. As it stands, we're divorced now, and I have my own home and my own life. I've never been happier.

  Your home should be your haven, your refuge, and a place you look forward to being in. She was the one who asked you to return, knowing your position on religion. If she wasn't prepared to accept you as you are she should have left well enough alone. Don't allow her to dismiss you on any whim. You do not exist for her convenience.

  This very true. You have to turn the tables on her take control of the situation. She's acting as if she's doing you a favor, allowing you to grovel at her feet. I don't agree with the WTBTS that a man should be head of a woman, however as a woman I can tell you that it's essential that we respect the man we are with. We don't need or want for you to be spineless.

  I don't agree that you should use other women as a way to get her to back down. No husband or wife should ever exclaim that there is a line of willing replacements. This is counter productive and gives her the wrong idea of what is in your heart and mind. She needs to know that you love her alone and that it's important to you that your marriage is preserved if at all possible. She needs for you to declare emphatically, your love for her and your children. But again, she needs to know you are not her doormat or whipping boy.
• 

  yknot

  I cannot go back in the WT, the idea makes me sick. There is no way to support such a blood guilty organization, plus the draumas I carry they will never healed.I just don't know what to do. Many times I thought to leave the country and go someplace else, but I cannot be far from my 2 small children. I need to be near them and guide them. On the other hand finnancially I'm in a bad shape and I need money. But I can't accept the accusasions of being selfish and proud, since I know most of my hardships is due to the WT.

  Umm with all due respect, quit giving her the upper hand.......

  Time to tell your wife not another word about the JWs (if you so choose). Remind her that if she is good & faithful to Jehovah she will respect your headship and happily stand in silent resolve to win you over with her conduct and modesty as the Bible and WT so often proclaims (perhaps have the bible marked and have her read the passages regarding marriage out loud, questioning her if she thinks herself above Jehovah's Word, if she does get uppity whip out the WT quotes that back the Bible's stance). The next time she brings up selfishness, tell her to cut it out, that such accusations can swing both ways but that you choose to spare her feelings of all the selfish and destructive actions she displays but warn her that if she continues you will feel forced to equally discuss her multiple flaws (then do that silent stare down thing guys do). From now on you will be at your home if you choose to be during her parties or gone if it pleases you so. It also is time to start attending another church and split your children's attendance between both denominations. This way if things don't go well you already have a routine to keep in case of divorce...(you could find some middle ground here and both of you attend each others every other weekend as a family with Wed night worship and Thrus BS/SM/TMS)

  She ain't gonna like it, and will put up a challenge or two initially to test your resolve but if she respects you, you'll prevail.

  She needs you to be strong, guiding, patient but firm, and the leader...... if not her 'respect and allegiance' will go to the WTS rather then you.
• 

  sass_my_frass

  I definitely agree with Finally Free; nobody should be treated that way in their own house. Make it clear that you will not tolerate it anymore - if she has friends over, you don't care what it means to them, you're going to be there because it's your house. If that makes them leave, you don't want them there anyway.
• 

  justhuman

  Thanks for your advices guys they are really helpfull. Just to clear up some things:

  I'm on a trial base back, and this is not final decission. Regarding friends I do have friends. In the beggining it was from this forum, and still this forum has helped me a lot, and I have many good friends here. This is the advantage of using "devils" tools brings people close from all the parts of the world. I'm not complaining regarding my friends. Indeed this is the difference between JW's and the world. You have friends because they love of what you are.

  Basically this is the unifying bond for all those ex-JW's. We have been through the same pain and have seen the unjustice of the WT Society. We have lost friends, family members due to WT's unchristian behavior. That is why as a person I have learned to respect and the other opinion. I do have my own opinion in many things and specially in the matter of the Christian faith. But even though we might have some hard headed discussions, still I have learned to accept others, no matter what do they believe. Besides I strongly believe that God, who is the ultimate expression of love will judge each of us according to our heart, and not according to the religion we are into.

  This is the problem when we are dealing with our JW's relatives. No matter what, you are always wrong and they are right. If they don't open the gates of their close mind they will NEVER understand the issue. That they are in a brainwashed, mind control cult. It is like trying to explain the colours of a rainbow to a blind person, or the sound of music to a deaf person. As I said I cannot go back. It is a sick Organization that I no longer support, plus I'm reported as a dangerous apostate, since I have connections with famous apostates of the WT such as Ray Franz.

  I know that the reason she asked me to go back is the children. But still it is not a healthy relation since love has faded way. So the only bond is the children and nothing else. We all know how the WT deals with disfellowshiped persons and apostates. No matter what I will never gain the respect of my wife. My small daughter 7 few days ago she said something bad about a priest that came to school.(It is tradition here in Greece for the Church to bless the opening of the school season)And I told her: You must respect other religions. And the priest he was reading to you a verse from the Bible. Also the Orthodox Church is one of the oldest Christian Churches, so you must respect them more. If you don't show respect to others peoples faith they will not respect yours also. Then her mother was ugry and said to me that I'm not allowed to talk to the children regarding religious matters!!!

  As I see it will be difficult to be together. In fact when our first daughter she was going to get married she turned me in for apostasy a few months before the wedding. And I ask her why? Why at least you didn't give me the chance to be at the wedding. You think that you have saved WT from an evil apostate??? Or the GB will build a statue of yours outside Brooklyn offices to honor you?

  I have gained my self confidence after many years, and I will not allow any one to take me that way. I have been through mental distress, pain, panic attacks for 2 years, and I'm on my feet again. Yes there is price for the Christian freedom, but I wiil not give way that for the sake of unity. I love my children and that is why I will not go back and pretend to be a JW. I have almost 3 years that I left and I haven't see any provision by the Elders to call me if I want to go back. Anyway apostates deserve to die and become the best fertile on earth!!!
• 

  jwfacts

  I am sorry to hear the tough times you are going through.

  It sounds like you are being too soft with your wife. She will not respect you if you let her treat you in such a way. You need to be very straight with her. The WTS is a cult. It upsets you that your children are subjected to cult thinking. For the good of the children you want to be with them, but you will not accept any comments from her regarding your different opinion on her religion.

  If she confronts you regarding why the WTS is a cult http://www.jwfacts.com/index_files/mindcontrol.htm shows the criteria by which groups are judged to deterimine if they are a cult.
• 

  oompa

  damm i feel so lucky after reading this post and all the replies....my hardcore jw wife NEVER nags on me for anything, esp anything jw....she loves me and for some crazy reason shows me incredible respect...even says my wanker is huge!.........i love her even more after reading this thread.....so so wish she would wake up though, cause having said all this, this is one weird arrangement of a marriage....nothing like marriage is really supposed to be........oompa