What you are describing, in your very entertaining way, is dualism, and it is dualism that most religions are based on. For every "thing" there is its opposite: right/wrong, up/down. good/bad, heavenly/hellish, and so on. Every concept carries with it an inherent opposite, and of course the ultimate concept to "explain" it all is God/Satan. Religion views the ultimate concept of "God" as a "personal" God, such as Jehovah, and it views God's inherent opposite also in a personalized way, Satan. Whenever there is dualism there has to be its opposite, you can't get around it. People who get caught up in living their lives in dualism automatically get caught up in these pairs of opposites, swinging between the two extremes, with each extreme's viewpoint dictating how things "should" or "shouldn't" be.
What all these religions miss, for the most part, is that there exists "something" beyond dualism with its necessary pairs of opposites, and that is nondualism. The pairs of opposites arise and dissolve in this greater "thing", though it isn't a thing at all because it is beyond the limitations of time or space. Nondualism states that there are "not two", but in fact everything is in essence one thing. Not only that, but the possibility exists for people to awaken to the nondual way of actually "seeing" this.
This kind of seeing is independent of any viewpoint - it is the "pure seeing" of things as they actually are rather than through a lens of belief, whether that belief comes from a religous tradition, a philosophy, or the viewpoint of the individual's conditioned thinking. The individual himself is actually another illusion within the field of duality, there being a "me" in opposition to all else - there is a "me" here and an "other" over there. Nondualism challenges the assumption of the existence of this "me" by suggesting that there be an investigation into the "me" by asking oneself, "Who/what am I really?" and then looking to see if anything can be found beyond simply ideas of "me". The failure to find anything substantial that never changes opens the door to discovering that which is beyond the ideas. When that is discovered then a dualistic world vision begins to dissolve and along with it the ideas upon which it is dependent, like "God and Satan". So, nondualism pulls the rug out beneath ideas of right and wrong, good and bad, and God and Satan by seeing/realizing the illusory nature of the personlized entity, the egoic sense of "me". One then escapes the dualistic world and all of the pairs of opposites, and experiences instead a sense of unconditional peace and wholeness that is independent of any belief system or religion. With the arising of the reality of nondualism one leaves behind the absurdities inherent within dualism. In other words, one is "liberated", one is free.