my dad was an elder 'till he died, he was po at the time. he was a great dad and a very dedicated elder. he was genuinely concerned with people. yes, he was a wholehearted believer and would not like what i think now, if i told him. but he was one of the few good guys and i miss him. yes, im prejudiced, but i promise if you took a survey of our circuit, most if not all, would agree with me. sorry for those who weren't as lucky as i was.
Were you Raised by an " Elder " Father in the Witnesses ?
by flipper 26 Replies latest jw friends
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mostlydead
Yes I was, by an emotionally ill, sexually abusive elder. He used God, the Bible and the Society's teachings to build a little fortress around the minds of my sisters and me. I managed to break the mind control of my father before I broke it with the WTS, but sometimes it's really hard to know which one did the most damage, because they're rather inextricably intertwined.
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jaguarbass
My father never drank the cool aid.
Thats one of the few good things I can say about him.
He had no use for God or religion.
But he allowed my mother to take my brother and I to the kingdumb hall and raise us as
dummies.
Because it gave him free time away from my mother and his family.
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flipper
WANNAEXIT- Wow. So your dad was an elder for many years as well ! I've often wondered too what our lives would have been if not for being raised by strict elder fathers. But I make the best of life as I can now after getting out 5 years ago. I stay positive .
JIMMY PAGE- Yeah- We do have a lot in common. You should PM me your number some time or vice versa and we could talk sometime. I too didn't want to bcome an elder due to the politics and hypocrisy I saw in other elders. My dad was a good elder , tried to do what was right - but he was strict on me as a teenager also- hair length, my rock n' roll music, etc. So you had a quiet non-communicative dad as well eh ? I'm close with my mom too. I can even express concerns and doubts about the witnesses and she will listen and discuss it with me in a civil manner.
THE BIGGEST LIE- I bet it's been hard living at home with an elder father. Hang in there guy. Try to keep some semblance of independence and individuality without pissing the old man off too much. Hopefully you'll be able to get your own place sometime soon. I wish you the best. If you ever need o talk- feel free to PM me.
ASILENTONE- So your dad is a long time elder too ! Lots of us had fathers in that position.
BONNZO- My dad too was one of the " good guys " but because he was so quiet people were a bit intimidated by him . He only revealed his talking side to a select few people.
MOSTLY DEAD- I'm so sorry you were abused by a sexually and emotionally abusive dad. Thats so sad. I do hope you received help at some time through professional counseling or therapy. I swear - bad Karma is someday going to come up and bite this organization in the a$$ for all the damage it has done to countless millions of people. You have my utmost sympathy my friend. Please take care.
JAGUAR BASS- It's good your father never drank the cool-aid by the witnesses but too bad he didn't stand up and prevent you and your sibling from being taken to mind control meetings. I guess he just wanted to keep the peace with your mom. But I'm glad you got smart and got ut while the getting was good
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caliber
I see that on this thread dealing with discipline , control, expectations there are a predominance of male comments.
Most thread that deal with emotions , inner peace... happiness.. contentment etc are female input ;could it be this is one area where males suffered the most as opposed to dad's darling daughters ? (I'm speaking in general terms please I mean no disrespect many otherwise
abused females . )
To answer your question Mr. Flipper .. I was raised by a very fringe but believing Dad... times were much easier
I believe for me and my siblings
Cal
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Nowman
He was my stepdad starting at age 9 until I was 18, which was back in 92. Last time I saw my elder father, 16 years ago. He was strict, cold, and quiet. I actually tried to please him all the time, tried to make him happy. Just like the posts here, nothing was ever good enough.
I hated being a teenager and having a dad like him. For awhile, when I was 15-16, both my parents made me sit in between them at that the meetings, said it was setting a good example. Everything they did was so controlling...ugh. My mom just went along with it, until he would go too far with her...then all hell broke loose. We were the perfect litte JW familiy at the kingdom hall, but behind closed doors it was a different story in my house. I walked on my tip toes all the time. I remember the year before I planned to escape, I started feeling sick to my stomach all the time, I was always worried and stressed out.
Even my own friends were afraid of my parents, my dad was always known as the "stiff" elder...
Hated being an elder's daughter, and daughter of a regular pioneer too...
Nikki
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flipper
CALIBER- It's really good that you were raised by a " fringe " believing witness so that the fanatical cult mentality wasn't drilled into you like some of us that had elder fathers ! Sounds like your dad had at least a good portion of his " authentic non-cult personality intact ! And that's a good thing. I agree I think a lot of us males suffered from overbearing fathers who were elders - however I know just as many females who suffered as teenagers because of the " patriarchal " characteristics of the overbearing JW cult.
NOWMAN- I know how you feel. It seemed like nothing I ever did was enough to get a compliment from my elder father as well. And the point you make about appearing one way at the kingdom hall - but behaving differently in a negative way in the home life is so true. I've heard of countless stories where parents acted hypocritically and actually caused their own teenage children to seek comfort and solace in other people's homes to find peace ! I'm sorry you went through that Nowman. It is incredible how some of our parents were so controlled by the witness cult - then they learned that controlling behavior and used it on their own children . And the WT society wonders why so many young people leave this mind control cult ? They should get a clue. Take care, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
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jws
Sounds like you and I have a lot in common. My dad turns 83 next month and my mom would have been 80 on Thursday. They also got into the JWs in the early 50s. They maybe celebrated a Christmas or two with my oldest sister.
My dad and I were never really that close. He was a blue-collar worker and elder. There were a lot of elder meetings he had to go to, private phone calls he had to take, talks he had to prepare for, and lots of halls we had to go to in the circuit where he gave his talks. And when quick-builds started to happen, his construction expertise would have him away at those for entire weekends. My sister says he was also a "City Overseer" at one time - whatever that was. And that was in a fairly large midwestern town of probably a half million to 3/4 of a million at the time. And in addition to that, he worked construction. He came home tired. He didn't make much either and did all of the home repairs, lawn care, and car repairs to the extent he could. So he was almost always busy. And if he wasn't, he was usually napping.
My dad was well liked and well known. He was one of the good ones who really tried to care for people. His undoing came because he got too emotional because the congregation refused to send flowers to a funeral. I think it was for the unbelieving husband of some faithful JW sister. As it was, 2 halls had merged and we had 12 elders for a while. They cut the 12 down to 6 and my dad (because of that recent issue on flowers) became an MS.
My dad didn't have a great childhood either. He had a mother who could have cared less about children (children to be seen and not heard). When my older sisters were little and having a play tea party, she turned a garden hose on them for making too much noise laughing. And his father was an alcoholic who sometimes went and spent most of his check at the bar on payday. His father died when my dad was in his early 20's.
My mom was always a very giving person. She was a bit more lenient than my dad and was always around. So we tended to gravitate to her more.
Being an elder's son was great at the time. Like I said, my dad was well known and well liked. All I'd have to do is mention who's son I was and people accepted me (at least the grown-ups). We travelled to other halls when my dad gave talks. People would invite us over to eat with them. It felt kind of special.
But then my dad got demoted. He was still well known and liked and still did the construction projects. When I was in my teens, my brother and I sort of started showing signs of being less-than-ideal JWs. We didn't enthusiastically answer at meetings (we were both a bit shy). We didn't join the ministry school until forced. And we didn't get baptised until we were maybe 17 (and under some pressure to). I don't think we were helping my dad get back to being an elder.
Then as we got into our later teens, we moved to another hall where there were a lot more kids our age. Well, a little drinking and such with the new kids and a little trouble and my dad wasn't going to be an elder ever again.
Maybe 10 years or so ago, my dad moved to a new hall where a lot of his old friends from his first hall go. He became an MS (which I'm assuming he's given up now with his health as it is).
I can't say my parents were all that bad. There's some things (like my dad's elder duties) that were bad because of the JWs. But other things that weren't as bad as others have experienced. For example, my parents didn't mind us going to college. They just wanted us to live at home and go to the one in town and pay for it ourselves. My parents couldn't afford it.
Today my brother and I are no longer JWs (fade, not DF/DA). My dad still talks to us and visits with us. I think my brother just didn't like being a JW. I didn't either, but I've also read the "apostate" writings and now I know I shouldn't be a JW. My dad knows how I feel and that I'm an "apostate". We still talk and have agreed not to discuss religion. And, for all intents and purposes, he only sees things about me that are compatible with JWs. As far as he knows, I still don't celebrate Christmas or birthdays. My brother isn't so concerned.
My mother died when I was still an active JW and intended to stay one. I don't know how she would have reacted to me now. She was pretty stern when I disagreed with a JW teaching earlier in my teens. And she would have been nosey enough to block a lot of the things we got away with after she died. If she hadn't died, I wouldn't have left when I did and may still be a JW.
When I started to come out of the JWs, I didn't try to say anything to my dad. But when he'd push me to come back, "apostate" things came back in response. I've thought about trying to show him what I know. But I've been afraid of going too far because I was afraid he'd stop talking to me. And then at some point, I assessed the situation. He's retired. Almost all of his friends are JWs. What's going to happen if I pull him out? He's going to lose his whole support network at a time in life when he needs them more. He's not going to join some other church. He's known for too long the BS they teach as well. He's left with nothing. No friends, nothing to believe in, no purpose. I was really afraid he'd go into a depression and give up and that he'd no longer be around now.
Life can be complex. If my dad had never been an elder... If my mom hadn't died when she did... Who knows what might have been if things were different? I could have ended up in jail, as a life-long JW, or extremely successful and wealthy. I'm fairly happy with my life now. Whether or not it was easy to get here is debatable. My life and past is what it is.
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Mickey mouse
Yes.
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coffee_black
I was raised by an elder father...but he was not like your average dub. I went to college...his idea, and stood up to other elders who challenged him on it. He didn't drink all the koolaid. He was a wonderful man...and I think he would be out had he lived long enough.
Coffee