Is your PC demonised?! (page 3)

Oh, this is PRICELESS!!!! Ah. Aha. Ahahah. AHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!! *squeak*

"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also
opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can
enter and corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author
of an upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine.

Sorry bud, I'm already corrupted.

Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a
human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their
hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.

So hard drive = brain? Isn't it odd that no other scientist has ever made this particular connection? You are such a genius Mr. Peasboro! I bow before your grandeur! Your frontal lobe enchants me and makes me feel oddly aroused, just like Anna Nicole Smith!

"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil
spirit," the minister confirmed.

*LMAO* Guess that puts 8086s out of the league of PCs capable of executing "demonic" code then! I'm so glad my 10 kilogram, L337 8086 XT "portable" laptop won't be demon infested! That would prevent me from using edlin!

The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from
counseling churchgoers. "I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a
dark force whenever they used their computers," he said.

They're called popup ads! And you only get them when you deliberately surf to pr0n sites, loser!

"Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic
websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations.

"My wife doesn't respect me, so I'll go to this upskirt pr0n site instead. Yay. Oh sheet, what is THAT? I've never seen one so big in my entire life up until now when I just saw one! My Ghod! And there's another! And another! Oh Ghod Martha, my computer is demonized! Please beat it to death and serve it for supper tomorrow like the hog behind our trailer!"

"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally.

They're called IRC chiquez. Haven't you seen one before? They like to wear black makeup. Lots. Of. Black. Makeup. Oh, and "darn" doesn't count as "foul, debasing language", Mr. Peasboro!

"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "

That's called a General Protection Fault! There's no DEEMINZ!!!! involved, just junky software written by stressed out programmers on an insane kamikaze deadline dreamed up by some incoherent dishcloth in Marketing!

The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial-intelligence program fired up -- without him clicking it on.

OMG, LMAO, this just gets better doesn't it! It's called the STARTUP ITEM IN YOUR PROGRAMS MENU WHICH IS INSIDE YOUR START MENU! *bangs head against monitor*

"The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' "

I told you not to take those muffins, but NOOOOOO, Mr. Peasboro was feeling HUNGRY!

Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.

Dude, you should not print binary files. It leads to great wastage of ink.

"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"

Yes, it's called 80386 Assembler! Referring to it as a Mesopotamian dialect is entirely correct, although somewhat offbase, considering some people still write code in it!

Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming facts.

Oh, he's just been a-clicking that mouse thang!

"I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that computer demons exerted an influence on them."

DOOM is so demonic! Those 256 colours will drive your children insane! Those flat sprites are completely Satanic! Those 6 reserved VGA palette entries used to implement level-independent marker tones are completely the work of Satan, and not Carmack or Abrash! In fact they are probably demonized too, that's what drove them to write the tightest rasterizer code on the planet! You're onto something here!

The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of evil spirit.

Only one in 10? Dead wrong, mate. The marketing figures PROVE that 90% of all computers in the WORLD run a version of Windows. Dude!

Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing.

Oh yeah, I can just picture it, Joe Schmoe walks into computer repair place, bangs monitor down on workbench, and says: "My computer has a demon in it. Please exorcise it. Here, I brought some Holy Water (TM)." Computer technician packs up laughing, asks insanse mofo to leave!

He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit
permanently."

Well, you have to get technicians with an MCSE (Microsoft Certified Spirit Ejector) qualification to do it for you!

Is your PC demonised?!

ISP

SYN

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