Jokes for MARY

rebel8

*Disclaimer: These are just jokes! Mary is having a really crappy time playing the cards life has dealt her right now and that is no joke. But since we know how fond she is of jokes, maybe we can cheer her up.*

So Mary, don't fret, we can find you plenty of boyfriends right here on your favorite Internet forum. Don't touch that dial! I'm sure Gumby will be very willing to help you out. Or we can enter your profile on a jw dating forum--wouldn't that be fun!

OK peeps, Mary needs a new job. Let's think of a suitable position, shall we? What ideas do you have? I'm thinking swimsuit model.

rebel8

bttt

Big Tex

Two hillbillies are watching a dog lick himself. The first hillbilly says, "Wouldn't it be great if we could do that?"

The second hillbilly says, "Yew do and that dawg will bite yew!"

Sorry. It's the only joke I know.

purplesofa

To the HR person that nit picked your resume.

"Do you know how to get dandruff off an asshole?"

.....Let me show you by flicking it off your shoulder

I'm like Big Tex, it's the only joke I know!!!!

John Doe

So two cows were standing in a meadow of clover eating grass. One cow lifts her head and goes "Mooo." The other cow looks over and goes "Damn! I was gonna say that!"

Thank you very much--I'll be here all week.

John Doe

So this old geezer man realizes that he's getting hard of hearing, so he goes to his doc and says "Doc, my hearing is getting bad, real bad. It's getting so bad I can't even hear myself fart!"

Doc whips out his tool and peers in his ear and says "Uh huh, uh huh, we'll fix you right up!" and he tosses the old man a bottle of little green pills.

The old man looks at the pills and says "Doc, will these make me hear better?"

The Doc says "Nope. But they will make you fart louder!"

hamsterbait

The boss walks into the office after a dire meeting with management.

He walks up to one of the secretaries - "I am sorry Jane, but I am going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jane "get lost sicko"

HB

MadGiant

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

MadGiant

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

Jokes for MARY

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