Divorce? Help please.

Mulan

We have a close relative who has left her JW husband. He is extremely controlling, and emotionally abusive. Their children are grown. She no longer wants to be a witness, and he knows it, but she does love God, and wants to please him. Her husband continues to call her, pleading for her to come back, quoting the Bible "Jehovah hates a divorcing" and "adultery is the only grounds for divorce" and "you have no grounds". He is pushing all her buttons to make her come back, by making her feel guilty, which has always been his tactic. She says she does not love him anymore, never thinks about him, unless he calls her, and she feels sorry for him. But she does NOT want to go back to him.

Does anyone have a suggestion to help her? Please restrain yourself from posting stupid comments. I need to be able to help her. She wants suggestions on what to say to him when he says those comments to her, that will make him stop.

By the way, her children have told her that they support her leaving their father, but not leaving "the truth", so now will have nothing to do with her. Nice huh?

Marilyn (a.k.a. Mulan)

biblexaminer

Tell her to prepare some information. If he is willing to take a serious look at the REAL TRUTH, then maybe, perhaps, love can start anew. Nut this time based on REAL TRUTH.

If he refuses to review the REAL TRUTH, then she should tell him that HE has made the decision to dis-associate himself from the marriage arrangemant.

joelbear

Mulan,

I would seriously suggest she fight fire with fire and give him scriptural reasons for her leaving.

Ask him to read the scriptures about how a husband is supposed to treat his wife and ask him to reflect on whether he obeyed these commandments or not and then honestly tell him that from her perspective he is not a godly man.

She should be firm but calm.

Take care

Joel

JBean

I'm very, very sorry that your relative is going through what is actually two divorces in one. Leaving a marriage is hard, then having it compounded by leaving an organization and possibly losing association with your kids (their choice obviously) must be especially difficult. My only thought here, while she works through this herself, is to be her support. Try to keep her busy mentally, emotionally and socially if you can (hopefully she lives close by). I don't know how or what the abuse she's suffered is, but if she had a choice, I would say to not return to either situation! I know this isn't direct assistance, but in time she will feel better about her choices.

LB

Guilt is a major tool used by many husbands. While there are some things she can say to him sometimes the less said the better. As far as his throwing scriptures in her face one scripture that comes to mind is the one witnesses always use when they get married. That is to love your wife as you love your own flesh. If he had done that wouldn't she just love to stay with him? The marriage talk always includes statements such as putting your spouses needs before your own, tons of things like that.

Well he has had many years to get it right. Looks like he hasn't. If she wants out and away then she needs to fill paperwork and get it moving.

Poor kids, they are getting played too. Perhaps she needs to ask an elder to speak to her children. Sometimes you can actually find a decent man who is serving as an elder. Sometimes.

Never Squat With Yer Spurs On

AmazingProgeny

What a sad situation. My husband's aunt is in the process of divorcing her controlling husband. They aren't JWs, so they don't have the issue.

If he is harassing her, then she needs to see about getting a restraining order. I would also suggest she seek counseling from a professional. A good therapist can help her to find her own source of inner strength and to stay strong.

Personally, I think that her husband broke his vows first. By trying to control her and harass her he is not loving, respecting, or cherishing her. He seems to be missing all the advice the Bible gives to men about marriage. He has broken his vows and she has a right to end the marriage because of that.

The best that you can do is to be there for her. Hug her when she cries, hold her hand when she makes hard decsions, gently encourage her to get whatever help she needs from the pros, listen to her, and remind her of God's love for her.

I hope this helps. I hate to see anyone in this situation. I really hope she will seek help from a good therapist and a good lawyer.

AmazingProgeny

Skeptic

Mulan, here is my suggestions.

Let her know that the guilt tripping is a control tactic. If she does not give in, she is not giving him control.

If he has to resort to such methods, he is not the man for her. She should never go back to him.

The fact he was/is abusive shows he never/does not truly love her. If he loved her, he would put her interests ahead of his own. He is probably incapable of loving in a meaningful way. She deserves better.

The JW faith does allow a JW couple to divorce. By the JW rules, neither can REMARRY until the one of them has sex. I wish I had my CD as there is an article on this. JWs can divorce on "spirtual endangerment", abuse (so she does have grounds), if their physical needs are purposefully not provided for (such if a husband decides not to feed his family).

In practice, JWs divorce for a wide variety of reasons. The rule is against remarriage.

A simple solution to this is for her to sleep with someone. Her faith may not allow this. The usual JW way to "get grounds for remarriage" is to sleep with someone and then "repent" the next day.

Jehovah allows divorce. How loving would God be if he forced her to stay married to an abusive man? If God wanted her to do that, He is not worthy of her worship.

She should stay free from this man. I hope she does, and I hope she builds herself a good life.

Richard

crownboy

When I read the title, I intially thought it was about you, Mulan.

JoelBear pretty much wrote my thoughts. If he's(the husband) so bent on following "scriptural priniciples" perhaps he should look in the mirror first. An emotionally abusive and controlling husband is not a biblically compatible one, so if he insist that she is breaking God's laws by leaving him, she should show him her reaction is only due to his own lack of bible morals (of course, the JW religion generally tolerates the type of facist behaviour here exhibited by your relatives husband. If he can rationalize his behaviour within the context of "being family head" and having his wife "subject" to him, then this is an uphill battle, and certainly the JW elders can't be counted on in this situation).

Of course, my opinion is that she should not let the bible rule her life. However, she seems to be a full believer, so that's probably not advisable. Help her find a "nice" Christain church were she can get the emotional support she needs around people who share her same belief system. Of course, family members like yourself can offer much comfort, and if you are familiar with her husband try to talk some sense into him. Your relative seems like a nice woman, and as bone headed as the husband seems, he probably no doubt loves her. As stated before, he may believe he is doing the "christain" thing due to the way JW's can portray marriage, but help him see that not only his he wrong in his view, but that that view will never help him regain his wife. If all comes to worse, and God(if he exist) forbid they divorce, be there for support. If at the same time you can manage to knock some sense into the kids (as they at least seem somewhat open, seeing how they approve of her leaving her husband), then that would obviously be a boon for your relative.

Go therefore and baptize the people in the name of the father and of the son... what the hell, we just need to bring up the yearbook numbers!

moman

Mulan, I think good research iz the best thing you can advise her to do. She needs to get a firm grip on the ,"Truth about the truth."
I'm not suggesting anything too agressive, but lets face it,we are talking BRAINWASHING. I think we get deprogramed at different speeds, but once she settles down & starts clearing her head, she will make better decisions. Its good she haz someone like you who cares to help her through it!

Nathan Natas

If she has decided that she's going to get the divorce, I think she's wasting her time "witnessing" to her abusive and manipulative husband about what a bad man he is and how it's OK with the SkyGod for her to have a happy life.

Has she retained an attorney? If so, she should tell her husband to communicate with her only through the attorney.

What purpose is served by debating the issue with him? Witnesses are conditioned to preach - if she doesn't want to be a witness anymore, one good way to begin is to stop acting like one.

I hope she has some resources of her own so that she does not end up depending on him for anything.

Divorce? Help please.

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