To Fade or Not To Fade... An Opinion..... (page 3)

daniel-p

Has there been any toll on you, and especially, your individuality?

I'm sure there has been a toll, but it's impossible to say what, exactly, it is. I faded so I wouldn't lose my wife. I was scared of too much change, and what it would do to our relationship. THere's no telling if DAing would have made it harder or easier... all I knew was that I had to keep my life from spinning out of control. Manipulating the elders and the whole system of inquiry about my faith was one means of doing so.

I'm sure I could speculate about what would have happened had I DAd... but there's no way to say what would have happened.

Primarily, I faded because I loved my wife and her family (my in-laws). I didn't fade to keep my relationship with my family (they are untrustworthy), or to keep any friends I had (once I stopped going to meetings I receded from those friendships as well).

As far as my individuality... I'm not sure. Being married changes your "individuality" anyway. It's not like I suddenly had all these interests in things I hadn't had previously. I didn't want to get a mohawk, start smoking cigars, get a tattoo, or go to the titty bar. I just wanted a family of my own, safe from the manipulations of people who are incapable of unconditional love.

SnakesInTheTower

Very good thread ATJeff.... rather than hijack your thread with a long reply post, I started a new topic on why and how I faded.

For the purposes of reply on this thread....I faded for 7 months, stopped going, haven't gone back since Sept 2007. My fade will likely end in a DA letter by Sept. 2009.... some of my story behind that is on this new thread:

http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/176912/1/Snakes-will-soon-be-writing-a-DA-letter

Snakes ()

cognac

Has there been any toll on you, and especially, your individuality?

Yes, it does bother me that I can no longer outright say what I feel to family. When I tried, I almost wound up in a JC. However, not being able to say what I feel at all to them would bother me much more. At least by fading, I'm able to say somethings. It helps bring me closure. I don't think I could get that closure by d'aing.

minimus

The after effects of being in a cult are toll taking, no matter what you say.

daniel-p

Yes, it does bother me that I can no longer outright say what I feel to family. When I tried, I almost wound up in a JC. However, not being able to say what I feel at all to them would bother me much more.

That's a good point, cognac. The truth is, we're never going to have everything our way. It's a tradeoff. Either we have limited communication/relationship with our loved ones and simultaneous restriction of honesty, or we have no communication/relationship with them and full honesty.

For those who have to make this decision, it's not as easy as saying "you gotta stay true to yourself." It's not as simple as that, because when you factor in the fact that you love people and don't want to hurt them, you have to make sacrifices.

Some people on this board like to puff their chest out and pronounce how big of a person they are for "giving it to people straight." Well, if that seems to work for them, that's fine. But a lot of people choose to make compromises out of love for others. If we all behaved like John Wayne-exJWs, we'd all live in our own cabins and caves far apart from one another.Sure, we'd have all the freedom we want, but in the words of a wise man and a damn good songwriter, "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

neverendingjourney

LWT put the choice rather succinctly: complete freedom or association with family and friends. What's more important to you? Many of us had no social support network outside of the JWs when we first figured things out about "the truth," so at that point perhaps family and friends were more valuable than our freedom. As we build up a social network outside of JWs, it gets easier to make the tradeoff worth it in our minds.

What about me? I figured it out about six years ago, but I'm still on the books as a JW, although I've been inactive for four years. Where would I be in my life had I just DA'd six years ago? A lot farther along than I am now, that's for sure. I still have to hold back on things I would like to do for fear of being DF'd. As a result, I've seen my 20s pass me by without experiencing what it is to have a normal youth. I regret that wholeheartedly. Yet I don't think I could have dealt with the emotional pressure of DA'ing back then.

I'm not sure what decision I'd make if I had it to do all over again, although I'd like to think I'd break ties completely and begin the task of living my own life a lot sooner. I can't really judge others. We all have different circumstances in our lives and have a different emotional make up. Each of us has to make that choice for ourselves.

blondie

You may think you are no longer on the books when you DA or are DF'd but they hold onto your cards and supposedly the elders are to call on these people once a year. They don't throw out your cards (some even keep them after you die due to lazy recordkeeping). I have no desire to play their games. I have no family or jw friends I want to or do keep in contact with.

You can check out any time you like but you can never leave

Narkissos

Interesting thread.

The posts by ATJeff and daniel-p especially got me thinking: what if we do "value ourselves" differently, not only from one person to another but at different stages of everyone's life? Not only in the sense of valuing ourselves more or less, but also in different ways, through different strategies of "self-value building"? For instance you can build self-value on approval from a group (JWs, exJWs too... or other) -- or from the very opposite, by standing out or against a given group. In both cases you are still using the group -- its affection, admiration, or reprobation and scandal -- in building your "self-esteem". Not to say that it is wrong, or even avoidable. But it is probably healthy to be aware that any process of self-appraisal, no matter how "independent," "conscientious" it may be, no matter how "self-sacrificing" the path we take may look, involves playing to an audience -- and being part of the audience at the same time. Do we even choose the part we play?

keyser soze

I have chosen to simply stop going to meetings. It really hasn't affected me any differently than if I DA'd myself, but there is simply no reason for me to do it. If the time comes when they decide to DF me, it won't break my heart any. I'm living life on my own terms, regardless of what label you choose to put on it.

wobble

AT-Jeff,

I have faded,walked away last year,just after the Memorial,never to go back. My family don't talk religion with me, but we have a sort of relationship still, which would not be possible if I DA'd

It has taken a toll though,in frustration,not being able to say what I know, but they are so mind-controlled they wouldn't listen anyway.

as Quirky says,you feel that closure would come with DA'ing, but I would rather it stayed as it is for now.

Love

Wobble

To Fade or Not To Fade... An Opinion.....

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