An Open Letter From Jeff

AllTimeJeff

I wanted to talk a little bit about me. But I don't write this for sympathy. Actually, I just thought you all would like to hear how I am doing, esp with a little space now between me and the borg. (Its been 3 years)

Lately, I am finally getting comfortable in doing what I can to expose the Governing Body through blogs on the internet, and in forums such as here.

I find as I look at what I write that I seem above it all. (and thats me reading my own crap) When I write my blogs, it is very analytical, and I do that on purpose. I want to keep my emotions out of certain posts or blogs I write.

But that doesn't mean I don't have them.

Since I left, I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. I hate the fact that I was born into a cult. I find that since I left I have become a bit of a loner. I used to be around people all the time, and now, I hardly do anything social.

I really don't believe in anger (for me) but I get angry when I allow myself to. At the other possibilities, wasted time. I am angry that I don't have access to my friends, that even though I left, I was institutionalized out of people's life, simply because I changed my belief system. I no longer believe in the traditional god, but I allow and admire people of personal faith who live it, and just don't say it. I think the world of you, even if I can't join you in worship for reasons of belief and conscience.

Did you know I have an unusual fear that I will end up homeless? It isn't logical, but it fuels my anxiety.

Did you know that I have a trouble with opening up and baring my real thoughts and emotions to anyone, internet or otherwise, since I left?

Did you know I regret how I left? I could have done things differently if I weren't so beat up and raw thanks to the cult. I have a lot of regrets on that score, even though overall, things have turned out pretty much how I knew they would and should.

Did you know there are moments when I wish I could have my old life back, just because of the social aspect? The friends I made?

Do you know that I get so pissed at myself for allowing this cult to get in the way of my family? I am mad that I was tricked, and I allowed myself to be tricked! I wanted to glory and the power, and I often have a hard time forgiving myself for that. I was the enemy.

I sometimes wonder if I peaked too soon.

Anyway, I know that sometimes I come across as above it all. I am proud of what I have done since I left, and I still fight each day. It's the only thing that I know how to do is fight. I don't have as much energy for it as I used to, but lets just say if attacked, I won't get swallowed easy... lol.

Most of all, for all I write, and for all the progress I have made, I still feel damaged by this cult, and always will. (maybe scarred is a better word, who knows....)

But I also think that those whom JW's call "weak" were the strong ones all along. Those that left without getting neck deep in the politics and power and propaganda..... You guys are my heros. You chose to see things way sooner then I did.It took me getting my butt kicked in Cameroon before I woke up and leave this lie of a cult.

Even though I literally can't keep up emotionally with saying hi, or always offering words of encouragment,I always read what you're going through, and I always send my best wishes (my way of praying for everyone) It keeps me going.

Love to you all.

Jeff

PrimateDave

I enjoy reading your posts, Jeff. You are not alone in your regrets, fears, and anxieties.

NvrKssdNObutt

hey jeff

i very seldom post anything cuz i dont have anything worthwhile to say ---- but i just wanted to tell you that i enjoy your posts and to hang in there bro ---- onward and upward!

james t

SixofNine

Don't underestimate the power of coincidence wrt when we make our break from the borg, Jeff. I was one of those "weak" ones you mentioned; I was never going to be an elder, a pioneer, or even a ministerial servant for that matter. Well, eventually they would have made me a MS if I could have ever stepped up my game to 8 hours per month - just couldn't do more than 1 or 2 hours a month. Now I know why I couldn't do field ministry: deep down, I knew I didn't have a foundation for my beliefs.

But I was still a staunch believer until I wasn't anymore, at 36 years of age.

QuestioningEverything

Your posts are always helpful to read. It's important to me to know that others have been through the same thing and survived. Thanks for your posts.

Bumble Bee

Jeff, thank you for sharing some personal information about yourself. That's not always an easy thing for people to do, even in the somewhat anonymous setting we have here.

Keep up your good work in spreading the "truth about the truth". I'm sure you've planted seeds in many peoples minds, you will proably truly never know how many people you've helped to leave.

dinah

Hey Jeff!

Your post kinda reminds me of Brinjen's post about "Choosing Death". She wrote it for the born-ins. When you have time, look it up, or I'll go bump it back up when I finish this.

I've noticed many of us have unfounded anxiety. Before I woke up and realized it was all a lie, I would have panic attacks every now and then.

The anger you talk about, it's always under the surface. Counting your blessings that you aren't wasting any more of your precious time helps. This is also the main reason I just cannot read Spike and Reniaa and other apologetics who have passed through. Once you see through it, there is no going back, no unlearning it.

I guess losing all your friends would be the hardest part. You can make new ones, but many of us have trouble relating to people. I think this comes from being raised to believe that people are bad and not to be trusted. Luckily I had many friends who were not Witnesses. My Dad was never a Witness, so I had worldly friends. Also, my best friend who was also in the truth was df'd about the same time I was so I didn't have to loose her either. That would have been hard. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to whine. Compared to many on here, I really had it easy. The only thing I had to deal with was the fear the religion instills (which is bad enough).

Scarred, damaged, maybe so--but maybe a little wiser as well?

BabaYaga

I just don't know what to say.

You mean much more to those of us here than you think you do! (Even when we don't post, because we aren't sure what to say.)

Wish I could give you a real hug, but words typed on a screen will have to suffice.

Thank you for all you do.

Love,
Baba.

insearchoftruth

ATJ,

I always read your posts and get much from them.

Thanks,

ISOT

PSacramento

It takes a lot more strength and faith to be outside a cult then to be a blind sheep.

Don't sell yourself short Jeff, you are the strong one, you are the brave one.

It is so much harder to leave an organization that you have been born into, than to never join or to be half way in and half way out like some.

When you are surrounded by the cult mentality the onlt thing that can drive a wedge into is the work of the HS, truly.

Some of us have outside exposure to other religions and other POV and that helps tremendously, but when you are in the thick of it, it must be super hard.

You have far more inner strength than you give yourself credit for.

An Open Letter From Jeff

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