Need your feedback please! Relationship question.

by MisfitMeL 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  MisfitMeL

  Ok I'm not sure where to put this thread, but seeing as this section is the one that is most frequented by members, I hope to get some feedback asap.

  I am a person that has issues with depression and fairly recently I have started paying a bit of attention to my 'mood swings' and have noticed a sort of high in addition to my lows. This has made me a little worried that I might have some mild form of BPD.... but then I do tend to worry over nothing!
  
  I do not have therapy because I currently cannot afford it. However, my entire adult life so far has been devoted to self help, understanding and healing and I think I have come quite a way compared to what I used to be before.
  
  I used to think about suicide, but ever since I started working on myself and I met my boyfriend etc. I have not had those thoughts of utter despair and hopelessness.
  
  Was chatting to the bf last night (we are currently in different countries) and I mentioned about starting a sort of 'mood log' to see if there were any patterns in my ups and downs. This led to more conversation about my past, present and I happened to mention my past feelings of suicide.
  
  I've been in a bit of a down mood lately, and I think my choice of wording over a certain matter made it seem to him that if something serious took place between us or something, I would quite likely harm myself or if a major crisis happened, I would just 'fold' and look for an 'easy way out' unlike dealing with it like others. Which is just not true...
  
  Anyway he freaked out and logged off... And I was very hurt and upset and cried most of the night coz he thinks I 'pretend to be happy' around him, which I don't. I have struggled to get to where I am today and I genuinely enjoy being with him despite my condition. He worries that I'm only happy for now and that once the shine about him wears off, I'll go back to being my old self, which I don't think is true either. I am old and wise enough through experience to know that my happiness doesn't depend on someone else providing it to me.
  
  So I got an email from him saying he isn't so sure about us anymore and he feels like everything we have had has been fake. Which is not true! but it is a difficult aspect of myself and it took me a lot of trust and comfort to tell him all this and I was probably being naive to think he would be a tad more understanding!! And he is not happy with an uncertain future if I am not stable or strong enough to get through life. He doesn't want to build a future with someone who is on a knife edge so to speak.
  
  I replied with a much longer email explaining everything in much more detail about my past and my present and the ongoing recovery and I think I explained myself fairly well. I am just waiting for his response. I don't know when it will be or what his final decision is.
  
  I do know that I am quite depressed and anxious at the moment.. and still hurting from his reaction though I do understand how this must be so overwhelming and confusing for him so I don't blame him. I just hope he really understands what I am trying to say via my emails.
  
  I don't know if I did the right thing. I want to be loved for who I am.. warts and all. And although I have been dropping hints along the way, after two and half years I finally said quite a lot... which shocked him because I always seem happy and calm and not necessarily going off the rails. And now I wonder, should I have not said anything? If he thinks I am always happy and calm and doesn't know that I have this grotesque monster lurking in the shadows??
  
  Or should I have said it sooner?? I don't know... We had briefly talked about marriage about a month ago and now the entire relationship seems to be falling apart
  
  I have so much else on my plate at the mo and
• 

  MisfitMeL

  I have so much else on my plate at the mo and something of this magnitude is going to take a lot out of me
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  VoidEater

  You did the right thing to talk to him about it.

  Your desire to be loved for who you are - warts and all - is entirely right, and is what we all hope for and deserve.

  I think telling him the exact info you put in your post is what needs to be said, and you may have already said these things in your last email.

  If he cannot accept you for where you are, then perhaps he isn't the right person for you.

  I have been in your situation, rather precisely. I've been with my spouse for 22+ years. We can be loved for who we are, warts and all, and perhaps it helps us when we love others for who they are, warts and all, as well. Your boyfriend's pulling away at this time may be just a wart.

  It is normal to feel depressed and anxious when it looks like a relationship is changing.

  It's important to understand whether what you feel is the typical emotions of such an event, or if you are too centered on this relationship. Only you can know that at this time. Of course, if you find yourself falling down a dark hole, please get some help - there are suicide prevention lines generally available that can help you through a difficult time.

  It sounds like you may be getting into an overwhelm of some kind, though your post was cut off at the end. Talking things through can help, with a friend, or even here on a board, can help - but seek more immediate assistance - that suicide prevention line, or a close friend on the phone or in person - if you notice yourself getting too deep.

  You sound like you are more self-aware than some folks, and monitoring your moods can be important. There may be relationships, situations, who knows maybe even foods, that relate to your mood. Having grown up with a bipolar parent, and having a bipolar friend, makes me think you may be on the right right track in your self evaluation.

  Some guys cannot handle a "human" partner - I hope this isn't the case here. Long distance relationships are always hard, too.

  In the end, remember that your relationship with yourself is what makes all other relationships possible.
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  MisfitMeL

  Thanks for the encouraging words VoidEater.

  I have mentioned all of this in my email to him and I hope he will not be rash and cares about me and our relationship enough to see some future in this. I'm sure there are far worse things that could be done to drive a wedge between a couple.

  I didn't quite think my honesty would get such a reaction, but you are right, that could be one of his flaws too and I may have to learn to deal with that. I have been wanting to talk things through with someone but I have recently moved to a new country and am separated geographically and time wise from my usual support group. I have a lot of other things going on and I really don't want this additional stress. But like you said, I should seek help from friends etc to help me through this. It's trying though since I am sort of on my own in an unfamiliar country and that makes it easy to get broody and down.
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  diana netherton

  I have suffered from depression for several years, up and down, and know what you are going through. It is best

  that he know now what is going on. It's hard to see someone for what they really are when you live close, but

  far away, is even more difficult. I am an American that married a British man and lived in the UK for nine years. I moved

  there knowing little about him....fortunately, he's a good man but my depression did get in the way. You're in Scotland,

  I see. I am sure that you can get counseling and all that on the NHS. Your GP may be able to make a referral.

  As to this bloke, I think that if he is running from something like this, you'll have a load of hassle down the road when

  you have serious issues to sort out. He's obviously not mature enough or ready for a commitment. My advice would be

  to just sit it out. He's got your email and explanation. Let it go at that and let it take its own course.

  As for suicide, if your thoughts get any stronger, please talk to someone. You can even email me privately if

  you want to.

  Good Luck.
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  MisfitMeL

  Thank you Diana.

  I'm not in the UK anymore. I am in India now. So there are no such facilities here. I can't seem to change my location on this forum.

  It would be strange if he was the one having issues with committment as it was him that brought up marriage not me! You're right, I have said what I had to say and now I just need to sit tight and see what happens.

  It's making me very fidgety though. I think I will attempt to go out somewhere tomorrow to clear my mind....
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  OnTheWayOut

  You did the right thing to talk to him about it.

  Your desire to be loved for who you are - warts and all - is entirely right, and is what we all hope for and deserve.

  I think telling him the exact info you put in your post is what needs to be said, and you may have already said these things in your last email.

  If he cannot accept you for where you are, then perhaps he isn't the right person for you.

  ....Some guys cannot handle a "human" partner - I hope this isn't the case here. Long distance relationships are always hard, too.

  You got some great advice there. I don't know you or him, so I will speak in generalities and add to it. Some partners (especially men) feel smothered around the word "committment." Some partners cannot handle the burdens of their partner if it means in their mind that they are somewhat responsible for the mental well-being of that partner. In your case, that is possible. He just might feel that you are "clingy" and "needy" and "delicate" and might want to hurt yourself if he develops a relationship further and winds up disappointing you. He might feel that it is better for your mental health to end it now before it gets deeper. It is his perogative. He may not be running from you more than he is trying not to hurt you.

  Thought of suicide, any thoughts at all, are serious. If I tell you what I think you should do, maybe you will understand him better. You should find a way to get help. Find some kind of counseling that you can afford if you cannot find free counseling. If any thoughts of suicide enter your mind or if you cut yourself or have bad thoughts that persist, go to the emergency room and report it. Call the suicide hotline. Get help.

  Your post seems very honest, I honestly don't think you are desirous of hurting yourself at the moment. But the words you use are buzzwords that are hard to ignore. See how even a stranger on the internet can "freak out" at what you say? Surely, a boyfriend could do more. Be careful, keep talking to others and get the help you need.
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  sacolton

  we are currently in different countries

  Uh, how does a relationship like that work?
• 

  yknot

  I think your feeling comfortable enough to discuss such things shows you are making serious emotional ties to this person......however their abrupt actions are a bit worrisome regarding their readines and maturity.

  If you have a lot on your plate, do you really have time or need this relationship. I know ending, looking again and starting relationships takes an emotional toll but if this person isn't able to be supportive in such a moment.......what else will they flake on?

  Until you can talk to a professional try to surround yourself with positive people, eat right, drink adequate amounts of water and try to get a little sunshine each day to keep seratonin levels normal.........journal when you feel 'low' so you can share them with a counselor later on.....actually journal when you feel 'high' too!

  (hugs for being in such a tight spot)
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  PSacramento

  No one can ever be our crutch.

  The best relationships are the ones we have because we want to, not because we need to.