What does it change really.....

flower

right now i cant think of anything. i'm still me whether the org is a fraud or not. its too late now to make myself into a different person. a person is a result of their environment and the way they were brought up. and the way i was brought up made me a miserable shell of a person and thats not going to change. i know thats true although someone may try to dispute it. i've always known it. i'll never be any different.

i think i've been fooling myself into believing something that is probably not true just to have a reason to go on each day. but i have yet to see any solid, concrete evidence to remove the doubts that nag me every day.

i still dont know why i am here. what the heck was the point of bringing something like me into existance? nothing positive has come out of my life from the day i was born. my son? yea right now, until i screw him up so bad that he ends up being something worse than i am. he'd be much better off with someone else. i'm beginning to think that it was just a big mistake, my being born. i was supposed to be a miscarriage or something. i cant think of any other reason for this life. the only other answer is that i have not done what Jehovah requires, not repented for my sins, not returned to him. I never did make it very long without sinning and thats why Jehovah has never been there for me. And now its too late. I've cursed him and told him I hate him and his organization. I've been blatantly sinful and there can be no forgiveness. It would take more than I have to gain Jehovahs approval. I've never had it in me thats why my life has been so miserable. I blame it on the org and the fam but I know its me. I tried to believe this stuff because it gave me a reason I could change and be happy. But even if it were true, which I cant prove, I know I would still be the same. I'll never be happy. And I feel sorry for my son. He doesnt deserve this.

flower

refiners fire

flower power..
You are having a bad day. Noticed sometimes you feel a bit better?
Other days worthless?
You are just flipflopping back and forth between states, ride the hurricane. There WILL be life after the Watchtower. Believe me.
Might I suggest something?
Wander next door into "www. exmormon.org".there is a chat room there, set there a while,and you will notice something. The people in there have gone thru EXACTLY the same feelings, traumas, as everyone here in this site.
The experience of being mentally abused and blaming yourself for the abuse is not unique to the Witnesses. It is endemic in many church organizations.
You must ride this out.
How about if I told you that you CAN alter the way you think and feel?
There are ways to do this, I know, Ive done them. Im not going to expound these methods on this forum,but they do exist.
Do you want me to tell you about them? I will.

siegswife

Flower, it's easy to feel that you are somehow being punished when you realize that you've been believing lies to be true. It's easy to think that it's somehow a problem that *you* are somehow to blame for.

I think you are missing an important point here. He must love you very much because He opened your eyes. He's leading you away from a destructive cult and lifestyle. You have been made aware of the *truth* about the truth. You've been *saved* in a manner of speaking.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. If we had to be perfect to receive love, no one ever would.

D wiltshire

Flower,

You are have a bad day. We all have bad days and I think 90% of people have days like the one you're having.

I think from my research and just plain trying to figure things out, that there is a good reason why we are all here.
I think that God is alot more merciful than we think he is, just look around at this world in which we live and try to see the good.
It's there you just need to take time to look.

That's WT indoctrination, that is causing alot of your depression, at least that's what it sounds like to me.
WT and God are 2 different things. It takes time to get rid of WT guilt, but you can do it others have and youi can do it too.

If someone lived a trillion X longer than you, and had a billion X more reasoning ability would he come to the same conclusions as you?

flower

Refiner,

nah, i only feel better when i lie to myself or try to force myself to believe things that would solve my misery. its stupid. i dont know why the exmormons feel the same way. i cant tell you that. but it merely a coincidence. the real witnesses dont feel this way. i was never good enough to be a real witness. if i had been i would be happy.

flower

jayhawk1

I dissagree with you last post Flower, where you say you would be happier if you were good enough to be a real witness.

Look inside a Kingdom Hall. How many people do you know that are depressed? How many people look like they are enjoying themselves, and you know better? How many people serve Jehovah because they are scared of dieing? How many people do you see that have legitimate talent go to waste, because they were not allowed to have an education to fulfill their dreams?

My dad comitted suicide, because the "new system" did not come true. How many people are wearing out waiting for a dream that will not come true? Do you want to be one of them?

"Hand me that whiskey, I need to consult the spirit."-J.F. Rutherford

Jeremy's Hate Mail Hall Of Fame.
http://hometown.aol.com/onjehovahside/ and [email protected]

nelly136

whoooaaa, going through mixed emotions is one of the
hard parts you get ups and down and dont know which ways is
up, why would your son be better off with someone else?
to him youre the best mum in the world, youre not going to fix this
in a day or two , it takes time to lose the conditioning that we're walking worthless sinning dead, but you can break the cycle if you really want to, sometimes I wish I had a magic wand to take some of
the hurt and pain away but I havent, the best I can offer is an ear to vent into and a shoulder to cry on, the hard part you have to do yourself and from someone whose been there and done that its worth
every uphill step just didnt always feel that way
nelly

expatbrit

the real witnesses dont feel this way

Yes, Flower, the "real witnesses" do feel this way, and often. That's because they're meant to feel that way, according to the mindset of the JW leadership. They are compelled to feel this way by the machinery of the JW system. Nothing is ever enough; you are a sinner who may receive undeserved kindness; anything you do is unworthy of recognition, because it's only what you should be doing.

Such a mentality produces crushing feelings of worthlessness and low self-value. I felt that way as a "real witness", as I sure, did many others here. And I too in moments of self-doubt when making my break away from the WT wondered if the stress and unhappiness I was feeling was because I wasn't good enough and had left Jehovah.

You know what? It's a part of the process of leaving a cult. It takes it's time, and then, with time and distance producing objectivity, it passes.

Cold comfort for you now, while in it's grip, I know. I do feel for you. Please remember that you are not alone in this. Many here identify with you, and can lend an understanding ear.

Expatbrit

refiners fire

flowerpower
Okay, maybe the Witnesses ARE the true church. Maybe a lot of the dubs ARE blissfully happy, the ones who serve God in the way he wants.
Thats possible. Certainly YOU believe so, and that is all that matters at the moment.
However, Since leaving the organization I have had lengthy talks with numerous other ex Witnesses who, way back when, I was convinced were happy servants of Jehovah. I found something out talking to them.
A lot of them werent happy in the church. They just looked happy.
Inside they were in turmoil just like me, all the time smiling away,
keeping up appearances. Thats what I found out. Whether it is totally true or not I cant say,its just become my opinion.

flower

nelly,

because he needs emotional stability. and thats something i will never be.

i probably should have given him up for adoption. see i had a choice there and of course i screwed it up as usual. he has been the only thing that has kept me going these past few years but that is an unfair and selfish thing. i should be thinking of him and not myself

What does it change really.....

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