Apparently I've out-ed an old friend THE SH**T HIT THE FAN!!

Terry

About three or four years ago my former "best friend" who is an active JW started coming by my work to eat lunch with me and chat.

In the course of our conversations we had religious discussions.

I posted on the former JWD about these discussions. I never mentioned his last name, but, I did use his first name.

I honestly never expected anybody to read those posts because of the curse on Apostate websites. But, that was a bit naive, I suppose.

Here is what has happened.

Last week, my former "best friend's" dad died. I had been invited to the funeral when the Mom died a year and a half before. This time I didn't get the phone call or the invitation. I heard about it from my son and I attended the "viewing" of the body at the local funeral home where my friend works.

When I got there I was told my friend had "just left".

I felt something was.....well...strange. Just a funny feeling.

I decided I wasn't welcome to the funeral and did not attend.

Fast forward a few days....

An old friend of the family came by my work and told me about the Father's death. I told her I knew. We chatted. I gave her the phone number I had for our mutual friend (my best friend) and she called him.

Afterward she called me and told me the reason I was not invited to the funeral.

My former best friend was absolutely pissed off at me in the extreme.

Why?

I had written lies about him on an apostate website!!

This can only mean I've out-ed him.

I don't know---but--I strongly suspect this is what happened.

My former friend has five kids. They've all been difellowshipped and reinstated and disfellowshipped a few times. (I think that is accurate).

He must have had one of his sons visit JWD or JW-net and read what I wrote and then pass on the information to him.

Why would they tell him?

Well, why wouldn't they?

But, the point is this.

I FEEL VERY BAD about this. And yet.....somehow I'M GLAD!!

This strange bifurcated feeling is really tearing me up.

I'm not use to such internal conflict!

Should I have been so lax as to mention identifiable clues about him? Or, was I deliberately being provocative to get him in trouble (subconsciously)?

I can't really say. I'm torn, as I've said.

I will say this. Eventually, he stopped coming to see me and calling me. He sort of "dried up" as a friend. The very last converstion we had was when he accidentally called me by mistake. Our conversation was abrupt, cold and phoney-friendly. I knew he had cooled to the point of aversion.

I assumed there was too much pressure from the Society; he couldn't risk talking to me.

Or, had he already found out I'd written about him?

I don't think so. He is the kind of person who CONFRONTS you. He doesn't simmer and backbite you.

I don't know how much trouble (if any) I got him into by my posts.

Here is what I do know--I'M PISSED OFF that he says I LIED about him!!

I very carefully quoted him and took pains to be accurate about it.

I understand his denial. I just deeply resent him making me out to be a liar.

He has plausible deniability because I AM THE APOSTATE and have no credibility.

I'm trying really hard not to feel like I'm the victim. Obviously, I am not the victim. I won't suffer any worse ostracism than being

shunned as always. He is the one driven to denial.

I can only hope it IS denial--psychological amnesia on his part. He cannot admit to himself the things he said that were so disloyal sounding.

He certainly never failed to DEFEND the religion. He just admitted his doubts and problems with the elders. That's about it.

I don't know how to think or feel abou it.

awildflower

That's a dilemma Terry. I guess we have to remember that if it's in print anywhere, it can be known. He was just expressing himself in honesty and you were just responding in honesty. Nothing wrong with that UNLESS YOUR AN ACTIVE JW. I can tell this is upsetting to you though so maybe contacting him somehow to apologize for anything you have done here. That it was never your intent to "out" him or anything. That's really all you can do besides being more careful about what is written and about who. Sorry about this situation Terry.

minimus

I've read that some people have purposely changed the names of people just for this reason. I wouldn't want to out anyone. unless THEY want to, it's not for me to do. "Friends" are funny, aren't they?

undercover

I can only hope it IS denial--psychological amnesia on his part. He cannot admit to himself the things he said that were so disloyal sounding.

He certainly never failed to DEFEND the religion. He just admitted his doubts and problems with the elders. That's about it.

I'd guess that he is in denial. He had some issues, bitched about em, got it off his chest, but then felt guilty, went back and has revisionist memory. Typical JW cult behavior...

And the internal turmoil you feel is pretty normal...at least for a normal, caring person. You're angry because he basically called you a liar, yet part of you is giving him the benefit of the doubt in maybe he's confused as to how it all went down.

With normal, non-cult members, you could call, meet, get it out in the open and probably both admit some mis-understandings and be able to move forward. When dealing with a delusional person, that won't work. They're convinced that they're right and that you're evil. About the best you can hope for is that one day, if he wakes up, he'll remember what happened and realize that you weren't the problem after all.

Dealing with JWs is an art all unto itself sometimes.

Michelle365

Do you have his email address? Or even snail mail? It would be appropriate IMO to send a "sympathy" card after his father passed. You can write something in there that you felt a change in the relationship and try to address it. Maybe ask him to call or meet up. I'm not sure I'd mention the rumor you heard. Would that make him more upset?

OUTLAW

Here is what I do know--I'M PISSED OFF that he says I LIED about him!!

You put his life at risk..

Now he is in a postion that he either lies about it..

Or his life,as he knows it,is destroyed..

You did this to yourself..

Your Pissed Off,at the wrong person..

............................ ...OUTLAW

Nathan Natas

Tell us more about him.

Preface everything with "if I recall correctly" or "as I remember it," or "this is how I remember it" so he can't sue you for libel.

Now he has slandered you by telling others you are a liar. Truth is the ultimate defense, of course.

Did you know your friend was a coward before this happened?

journey-on

Ouch. I feel for what you must be going through. Maybe you are subconsciously feeling that you betrayed a certain kind of unspoken trust you two had. Maybe he is feeling the same way. Maybe he felt it went without saying that your conversations were personal and not to be discussed outside your circle of two.

When I post here, I realize that a "friend of a friend of an acquaintance" might be able to connect personal information dots about me and mention them to one of my JW friends or relatives. Even though a part of me might think, "so what", I know that my relationship with that friend or relative will somehow be changed, even tainted by it, and I would feel something I value was lost.

Terry, you are great with the written word. (I don't know how you are face to face with words.) So, why don't you write him a letter (not email)...a long letter laying it all out there?

Life is now

It could all be a misunderstanding. Unless you speak to him directly you can't be absolutely sure.

May I suggest you try to focus on all the great contributions you've made to this site and not worry about one slip-up.

Think About It

It never ceases to amaze me that this religion can do all these things to bring question and doubt upon itself, but the members better not question a damn thing. He's embarrassed that someone may know about his doubts and he's trying to cover his ass. Don't have to remind anyone here how true of friends our former JW friends are.

JW's are told to stay away from here, but it's probably a big game to some to try and identify people.

Think About It

Apparently I've out-ed an old friend THE SH**T HIT THE FAN!!

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