Hi welcome Tootie ,
Yes I can relate to what you are going through and I am sure others here also understand . I was raised a JW and after forty yrs decided four yrs ago to walk away from that lifestyle . I didn't leave because I wanted to do anything wrong . I didn't leave because I hated the witnesses or the religion for that matter . I left because I was so unhappy .For many years I just never felt good enough in the organization . I was active and faithful ,but never felt I belonged . I left because of many small questions that built up over the years and which I felt I had no way to find answers to because we just don't question "the truth ". I began to feel as if I didn't really know what or who I was because for so long I just did what I was told to do and thought what I was told to think .
Around this time in my life there were some triggers that I can only say Woke me up . One day I was watching a Dr Phil show and he was talking to a couple of girls raised in a cult . They kept repeating how afraid they were to leave that cult because if they did their families would shun them and they were so afraid of dying outside their religion at Armegeddon . Dr Phil made some very valid points to these girls that FEAR was the overpowering feeling in their religion and how awful that was because God would surely want them to feel love over anything .
I thought WOW that is how I feel .....fear and guilt has been my whole life as awitness .
Then a serious health issue arose with my MOm and sister and I had to do some serious research on the Blood issue . For my Whole life I was well rehearsed in how to explain the No Blood stance ,but then the Awake came out showing with graphs what fractions of blood were allowed and which ones were not ! It was like a slap in my face . I had put my life and my childs in jeopardy when we had surgury because i stubbornly thougtht no blood meant No blood and now here they were saying BUT we could use some parts of blood . It became so clear to me that what we believe is based on imperfect mens opinions and those opinions can and change .They are not special elite voices from GOD .
We just stopped attending .We did not tell people my beliefs or questions . After attending the same hall for thirty years you would have thought someone would care enough to stop by and ask what happened .......that did not happen .......So I also saw the so called love and brotherhood we supposedly had was also false .
At first I was sad , then I was mad ....now I am glad and just want others to know it is not 'the truth ' , and that you can have happiness on the outside if you want ,it is up to you and only you can decide .