JW boy and 'worldly' girl - love torn in two

by nekoreichan 20 Replies latest jw experiences

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  nekoreichan

  hey everyone,

  i have a question about being in a relationship with a JW boy.

  We were friends since the beginning of our senior year in high school. Just friends now. I called him Oniichan ( older brother in Japanese) so it'll just be for fun. We talked over the internet every night(seriously, every single day XD) and regularly in school. Because he hadn't done anything wrong before, his mother gave him much freedom ( such as staying after school to get help with english homework ). Usually i was there too because the english help was open to anyone. Sometimes we would take a break and we would go outside and talk. Then through out the year, the time spent at the English classroom grew longer, till like 7pm sometimes! we started to like each other the more we talked and hung out. We didn't tell each other tho, because at the time i had a boyfriend and he had his religion. after i broke up with my boyfriend (not going so well D:) and started telling the JW boy about my problems with the relationship. of course he comforted me and told me some scriptures from the bible. A month later, I decided to tell him that I liked him. He was kinda shocked and with him being all confused about liking me, i just took it that he didn't like me back. A few weeks later, we started to normally talk about each others problems, so i asked for a hug. so he said okay and i gave him one. He liked it so much, he asked for a hug everyday. He told me, because of his religion, that we couldn't be "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" but we considered ourselves very close friends. so from there our "like" turned into a full blown "love". So I loved him like an older brother and a lover. The JW boy would often say, "I wish i could have a future with you". He offered me bible study with just him, which i took (due to past experiences with bible study i was unable to actually study). We did that every week, and sometimes he would come over to study with me.

  One day, he came over for a bible study and just to hang out. His father that was in town was taking care of him, ( his parents are JW's and divorced ). At 7pm his father called him to ask where he was. The JW boy lied (since JW's aren't supposed to hang out with 'worldly' people) and said he was at school. His father suspected something and knew he was lying. Later that night, we didn't talk, for the first time. The next day i saw him at school, and he looked really depressed and he said to me, "shinda" which means "im dead" in japanese. He told me his father, printed out all the text messages he sent to me (okay, some were mere PG and some were rated R...)and took away his unlimited text messaging. The next day after that, he told me he was disfellowshipped. I panicked (due to my emotional instability) and instantly put the blame on myself. He told he that it wasn't my fault and i shouldn't be acting like that. Later, after school, that same day, he told me, he was unable to talk to me anymore only if its really necessary. He also said he couldn't be my Oniichan, and not to talk to him over the internet anymore. So in an instant, that deep connection was cut, it wasn't frayed and old and falling apart, it was just cut. being forced to love me less ( which he says he can't do).

  He repented and talks to me only a little bit now. I can till hes very depressed and doubting if he wants to be in his religion anymore. Still saying he wishes to have a future with me. All the time, even if its for a minute, he'll still say that to me. Im not sure if its a cry to be saved. I have considered that he lives with his JW mother, and the whole shunning thing has parents and family shunning the single disfellowshipped family member, so if he wanted to leave, he couldn't at the moment. He says he still loves me, and calls me sweetie.

  I will be 18 in may, so i was thinking of moving out of my mom's place so i can get my own apartment ( im able and willing). And if he truly wants to leave, he'll be able to live with me. And maybe we can that future he wants us to have.

  so after that long and boring story... I have no idea what to do, i want him to be happy again then again i dont know if i'll be able to help him. I've heard on the forum that this happens a lot, yet, i want this relationship to work. i love him very much and he loves me also.

  so please, if anyone can give me any advice about what i should do to make this relationship work with him. please tell me ~

  thank you ~
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  cantleave
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  cantleave

  Sorry to hear that you are having problems in you relationship with a JW boy. If he is devout and obeys the dictates of the organisation and his parents you will have to become dedicated and baptised before he will accept you.

  you said

  The next day after that, he told me he was disfellowshipped.

  I seriously doubt that as the process requires a Judicial Committee to be formed and conducted followed by a 7 day period before being announced to allow time for appeal.

  Maybe that is his way of breaking off with you.
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  dissed

  Hi Neikoreichan and welcome.

  Yes, you have yourself in a difficult position.

  Between his religion, his father and mother, and you, can make for very difficult decisions, but is still possible. for a good outcome.

  Both of you are very young to put so much on your shoulders.

  Is it possible to keep the relationship, but to moderate it? Can you both continue to 'keep in touch' yet not having to make such a serious decision now?

  If the relationship is strong, then it will endure and last no matter what comes between you both. Whether it be his maturing in the religion, both of your continueing education, or business carreer. In fact, it can make the ties stronger over time.

  Please, just don't feel, you have to make such an important decision right now.
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  Gayle

  Before you go any further, you need to research Jehovah's Witnesses. Some young people can break from the religion, others are controlled by the religion a very long time if not the rest of their lives. You seem to already know how complex the JWs religion affects the person in more complicated ways than normal. Extreme shunning happens to one from his family usually, if he had been baptized and then leaves the religion. Your situation sounds similar to the situation in a movie, "To Verdener" (in Danish) or "Worlds Apart" (English subtitlies), based on a true story, but of a JW girl. You may be able to rent it, or through "On Demand" channel or Sundance channel coming up on March 9.
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  dgp

  Nekoreichan, I have a lot to say to you because I found myself in a situation very similar to yours. Bear with me for a while and I'll be back. I'm a non-JW, too.
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  Black Sheep

  Hi nekoreichan, welcome to the forum.

  Oniichan has been raised in a high control cult, as I was, as many of us here were. Until he fully realises this, he is damaged goods and is not marriagable material.

  My wife was an Anglican when she married me. Now she and our two children are cult members and believe that I am led astray by the devil because I studied the Watchtower Society for truthfulness and found it to be dishonest. This could happen to you.

  My relationship with my parents is disfunctional, but least I am not shunned, which I would be if I had been baptised.

  Life within a cult can idyllic until a family member leaves, at which point the family becomes extremely disfunctional and can completely self destruct. About two thirds of 'raised in' Jehovah's Witness children leave the cult as adults, so there are a lot of broken hearts and families, hence forums like this.

  My advice would be to run away. As long as he believes that the Watchtower Society was selected by Jesus in 1919 to be God's sole channel of communication to mankind, he is a danger to the mental health of you and your children.

  Be careful

  Chris
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  nekoreichan

  OH! I forgot to mention, that he was baptized. If this changes anything?
• 

  dandingus

  nekoreichan I feel for you very much in your situation.

  I have been out for 5 years, and there are members of my family who will not speak to me. What is more, the girl I loved is still a Witness and there are days when this is hard for me. She's married someone else now. And although I'm out, I still think back to my days as a Witness and the time we spent together and there are a lot of things I miss. So I understand your pain and uncertainty. I think you'll find that a lot of people here do.

  Black Sheep suggested:

  My advice would be to run away.

  And for a lot of reasons I can see his point, but with someone you truly love, this may not be an option you're willing to accept. However, as you seem to already know there are only a few things that can happen at this point:

  1) You can become a Jehovah's Witness and be with him. This is not the recommended option, but it is a path that is open to you. But if you do this they will require much and give little or nothing back. Of course, the two of you can be together and he can keep in touch with his family, but the price is probably too high. I know you won't find many (if anyone) on this forum that would recommend doing this, and for a myriad of very good reasons.

  2) He will have to leave the organization. In this scenario, you get your own place and he can come to live with you as you suggested. The two of you can be together and possibly very happy, but you will have to help him a great deal. This will ask him not only to abandon his faith (if he truly believes it), but also his family because if he leaves they will not speak to him again. (Unless of course, they were to leave as well at some point.) This can be emotionally impossible to deal with for some. Others can overcome it, but not without help. He will be confused and angry at times and will most likely miss them very much. There is even a chance that if he does leave and loses his family that a part of him may blame you for it. Not saying that will happen, but you need to prepare yourself for this. Make sure that he always knows that you love him no matter what and will always do whatever you can to help him deal with the emotional turmoil that WILL come from this choice in life. I have an understanding girlfriend who is still trying to help my through this. We've been together for 4 years and although we are usually happy, there are days when I just want to cry. She knows this and recognizes it when she sees it and just tries to be as supportive as possible. But my girlfriend has consciously made that choice, even though that's a lot to ask of someone. This will likely end up being an emotional roller-coaster for the two of you at least a part of the time. Are you sure this is what you want? If so, you have all of our blessing.

  3) He will stay where he is and so will you. In this scenario, the church has come between you and nothing you do will change it. Just remember, this is not your fault. In fact, it's not really even his fault. The Witnesses are the ones that have drawn the line, demanding things of him and threatening shunning if he dares to disobey. I'm sorry to tell you that this is actually the most likely scenario of the three.

  I know this is not easy for you. I hope my comments and those of others help you to work this out in your heart. Good luck and best wishes.
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  garyneal

  Personally, I would highly recommend backing off of this for a while. I agree with Black Sheep and that the best thing to do is run away. Until he realizes that he is in a destructive cult, things will not be good for either of you. You're only other option is to study and become a witness yourself. Again, I highly recommend that you do not do this. This religion is emotionally destructive.

  I know that you are feeling like you love this guy but take it from me, if I new then what I know now about my witness wife when I was dating her, I would've left her alone. Jehovah's Witnesses are bad news.