Hello All,
Here is a quick version of my life in the ORG. I was born and raised in it. My father was physically and mentally abusive to my siblings and I. He was inactive from the meetings and service for much of my life. When he did go to the meetings, the physical abuse got worse. Its like it was a stressor for him, and his favorite way to relieve stress was to hit us. He never hit mom. I have heard once that he got in her face, and she dared him to hit her, sayin, "Go ahead, hit me, you will never see me again." So, he never hit her, but he made up for it by hitting us daily. She never left him, claiming that her bible trained conscience would not allow her to. At one point, childrens services were called (worldly relative) and they came and investigated. We were taken out of the home for a little while. We went to stay with an elder and his wife. The elders never disciplined my father for this. No privileges were ever taken away from him.
I was baptized at 15 yrs of age. I ended up married at 18. (I think I really wanted out of my father's house) The man that I married was considered to be a "pillar" of a neighboring congregation. The girls in his hall my age put me through hell, and so did their mothers. Spreading vicious rumors that were completely untrue. Saying that I had already been engaged, that I was a whore, so forth and so on. I waited until I was married to have sex.
My husband (ex) was raised in a very old school family, women were meant to be seen, not heard and so forth. With my history of abuse from my father, I had promised myself that I would never let any man that I was involved with treat me that way. What a mistake I made in marrying that "brother". He constantly ignored my opinions and wishes, acting as if it didn't matter what I thought because I was just a woman and I didn't know anything. When I would tell him that maybe we should go to the elders for counseling in our marriage, he would laugh at me and say , "They will laugh at you and tell you to shut up." His family treated me with disdain. They wanted him to go to Bethel, and I just wasn't good enough for him. I wanted so badly to be accepted by them. I would invite them over for dinner, I even washed their car every weekend! Nothing could make them accept me.
I became severely depressed after about a year of marriage. I also developed social anxiety. When it would come time for the meetings, my stomach would hurt and I would feel dizzy. I would tell my husband about this and he would say that I was just lazy and didn't want to go. So , I would go. It got worse and worse, until I started listening to the meetings over the phone from home. All the while, the elders are pressuring me to become a regular pioneer. They never came to help me when I wasn't coming to meetings, never came with a shepherding call.
Finally, 4 years later, I decided that if I didn't get out of this marriage, I was going to kill myself. I knew that there was no way scripturally to do this unless one of us committed adultery, and I knew that it wasn't going to be him. I didn't want him to get in trouble, since it was me who was unhappy. So, I fell on my own sword in a sense, I did it. I convinced myself that I was in love with this person that I committed adultery with, because that was the only way that my conscience could reconcile such a horrible thing, and I dove on in. I promptly came back and made an appointment with the elders to confess my sin. I felt horrible, and quickly woke up and realized that I was not in love with this person, and I had done something reprehensible. I should have just divorced him and been done with it. Instead I hurt my own spirituality, reputation, self esteem, and soul very badly.
I told the brothers that I had sinned, and committed adultery. That wasn't enough. They wanted details. Where we touched, where we kissed, did we orgasm? How many times did we do the deed? I felt as if I was going to throw up, but I answered their questions. It went on for hours. Then the berating really started. They were actually angry with me as if I had cheated on them! They told me how horrible I was, holding things from my husband and giving them to another man. Using HIS money to do it. I wanted to die. I tried to tell them about the problems that were in my marriage, but they would not listen. I guess my ex husband was right. They would tell me to shut up! The meeting finally ended.
They said that they would call another meeting when they made their decision. Meanwhile, my husband at the time wanted to stay with me. Then the next meeting came. They disfellowshipped me saying that I was not repentant. I don't understand how they could have thought that. At any rate, my husband at the time walked out of the kingdom hall without a word to me. He would never speak to me again except to tell me when the divorce hearing was. Later, one of the brothers on the JC told my father that they had to disfellowship me because people (my sister who was not even in the ORG) had been talking about it. She had gone to all of my family who was in the Congregation, and told them everything, likewise, they went and told everyone else. So, I was disfellowshipped not because of lack of repentance, but because my sin was not a secret. Did the brothers say anything to the people who were gossipping about it? NO.
I didn't care if people talked because I felt that I deserved it. I went to my disfellowshipping announcement, and sat crying quietly in the back row. I began my struggle to get reinstated. I went to every meeting. I studied the bible by myself. I lived with my mother and father. The brothers told my mother that she could not go anywhere but to the kingdom hall with me. I had no one. Not even my own mother. I was alone all the time. Finally after a year and a half, I was reinstated, only to wish that I had never been . When I was disfellowshipped, I understood why people would gossip and shun me. I could not understand this once I had been reinstated. I was still treated like a leper. I felt like I should carry a sign that said "UNCLEAN". And I got to hear all the awful things that people were saying about me. What I did was awful enough, but not to them, they had to make up new stories about me to entertain themselves. Fake stories. I sank deeper into depression and self loathing. It was then that I began seeing what would later become my next husband.
I worked with him. I thought that he was attractive, but I knew that he could be a jerk. He decided to take an interest in me. We began dating. He treated me badly. The worse he treated me, the more I loved him. I have never been that way before. I had enough pride in myself that if a guy were to treat me badly, I would leave him behind and not look back. I think I felt that I deserved the punishment, so I relished it. I clung to him like there was no tomorrow. We moved in together. I told my parents that I had moved in with a female roommate. He lied to me, treated my as if I didn't exist, was associating with his ex wife behind my back. After a few months of this, I decided to leave our apartment, and move in with my brother. (He was never baptized) This lasted six weeks, and then my boyfriend decided that he wanted me back. I was still so in love with him, that I said okay. But it wasn't a smooth ride from there on out. We fought constantly about the lies he had told. He asked me to marry him and I said okay. (I know, not smart) The invitations were sent out. We continued to fight. I just couldn't let go of the lies he had told. He became so angry with me, that about 2 weeks before the wedding, he hit me.
I married him anyway. I thought to myself, "Who else is going to want me? I cannot support myself on my own." The hitting continued, and got worse and worse each time. Then all of the sudden, he decides that he wants to start a bible study. I didn't want to, I had had enough at this point, but I still believed it was the truth, and I loved my husband, despite his obvious flaws. How could I say no to something that may save his life, and our marriage?!! So we began a study with a VERY ZEALOUS couple in my old hall. We studied once a week. Of course, I had to be publicly reproved because I married outside of the congregation. Our studies would last for 4 hours. It was like a marathon! We would leave mentally and emotionally exhausted! The abuse became worse when we studied! He talked to the elder who was studying with us about this. The brother said that it was just Satan trying to keep us from doing right by Jehovah. So, we continued. This lasted for 6 months. Finally, my husband said that he did not want to study anymore. But he would not call the brother to tell him. So I had to call the brother's wife to tell her. She was LIVID!
She told me that I was trying to keep my husband away from the truth, that I was wicked! I was in tears, I told her that we didn't want to stop serving Jehovah, but we were switching halls, and would not be studying with them anymore. She spewed venom for 45 minutes until it was over. She has never spoken to me again. She asks my mother how my husband is doing every once in a while, but never about me.
So, we began attending a hall that was closer to where we lived. It was better, but my husband still felt out of place (he has social anxiety too) We were not very regular. After a while, he stopped going altogether, and I slacked off. I have to say though,it has been a year and a half since he has hit me. Our marriage is better now than it ever was when he was studying. We still have our problems. But they are nothing compared to what they were.
I have not been to a meeting now in almost three months. I do not miss it. I just saw this site about 3 weeks ago. A friend of mine, who has been going through the whole "shunning even though you are reinstated" thing, found it and showed it to me. She and her husband have been out for about a year now. She says that they are happier than ever! I hope that I can experience the same. I wrestle inside with what I have been taught all of my life, and the new things I have learned about the history of the JWs and all of the things that just don't add up. I hope that one day I can get to the point where I feel whole and happy.