Help please - my wife wants a divorce (page 3)

AGuest

May you have peace. And may you find the help you need... to save your marriage... and to live.

A slave of Christ,

SA

Anyway, IMHO, all I know is you got to be blunt with someone who says they want to leave. My wife tries that tactic with me from time to time when I don't always want to go along with some of the things she wants to do. All I say is, "If you are truly that unhappy with me then bye." It use to bother me that she would want to leave me, it still does from time to time. If she left, I know I would be hurt, upset, angry with myself and her.

But....

If she is that unhappy with me, then bye.

garyneal

Aguest: You edited out your LONG response???

AGuest

peace to you! I'm not so sure dear IMHO is ready to hear to truth. If he is, he'll have to let me know because the truth isn't always "pretty." It doesn't seem to be, here.

Peace to you!

A slave of Christ,

SA

garyneal

Wise Yoda

“Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealously. The shadow of greed, that is.”

"The fear of loss is a path to the dark side, young one," warns Yoda. "Rejoice for those who transform into the Force. Mourn them not. Miss them not. The shadow of greed, attachment is. What you fear to lose, train yourself to release. Let go of fear, and loss cannot harm you." In essence, Yoda is saying that loss, pain, and death are natural experiences for every human being. It is the inordinate fear of and wish to avoid such experiences that makes one vulnerable to the dark side.

flipper

IMHO- I feel for you my friend. I had a similar thing happen to me in a relationship with a former girlfriend about 5 to 6 years ago. She took up with her teenage daughters high school music teacher after being with me in a year and a half relationship. Yes, it is extremely hurtful - yet in a way it gave me more clarity in seeing what KIND of relationship or woman I wanted to be with in the future. Certainly not one who would cheat on me or not value the relationship like I did. So, I moved on. After talking to her and asking her what she wanted to do in the future - and she said she didn't want to work it out - I then knew I needed to move on to more positive relationships.

I think it's important to be honest and recognize when it's time to move on to greener pastures and hang it up. You will live to love again my friend, and someone will come along who will love you for who you are- not who they WANT you to be. Keep your chin up, things will get better. In the meantime if you are fighting depression- please seek a professional college trained therapist or psychiatrist for counseling. It will assist you in your recovering from the breakup. I wish you the best, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

GLTirebiter

I'll take you at your word that things are beyond repair with your wife, but be sure about that because it this may be the last chance to do anything before the court gets involved. Go for counseling if you can get her to agree there's something left that's worth saving.

Speaking of courts, don't get caught by surprise. Do you know if she has already has divorce proceedings underway? It usually takes a while for the lawyer to get all the papers in order and file them with the court, so it may already be happening without you knowing about it. The lawyer may try to time the filing to get an advantage: late Friday so there's nothing you can do for several days, or while you are away on business.

Prepare your "Plan B": figure out where you'll stay and how you'll take care of yourself if you come home to find a process server looking for you and new locks on the door. Check into lawyers, how much they charge, how much you must pay up front, what kind of payment terms they offer (don't hire one until you need to, just be prepared to do so quickly). Copy critical financial documents and keep them where you will have access to them, in case you're suddenly forced out of the house. This includes contact numbers, account numbers, bank statements, tax returns and payroll records. CDs or a memory stick will hold a lot of information in a small space, inconspicuous and easy to take with you. Do this quietly: don't cause a scene that will escalate the situation, but do be prepared.

As for yourself, find something positive to focus on. Look for volunteer opportunities, rediscover an old hobby, fix something around the house you've been putting off , join a club, dedicate yourself to a workout plan: just start doing something that helps you feel good about yourself. That will help you have better "up" days and fewer "down" days, whether the divorce happens or not.

You can, you will make it through this. It takes time, it takes effort. The first step is to forgive: not just your wife, but also yourself. Please find the courage to do that.

SPAZnik

Go care for yourself for a while.

peaches

i am sorry for you....and for your wife.....divorce is never easy,,,no matter what the situation....i truly hope the best for you....

SPAZnik

I hear and can relate to what you've said about resisting counseling. I've felt that resistance before. It's perfectly normal and dare I say common among people that have experienced the JW life and other abuses.

You sound an intelligent, articulate person and you've mentioned struggling with emotion. There is an analogy I love when it comes to this ... of a row boat, with two oars. One oar is thinking and the other is feeling. When we rely too heavily on only one, well, it's obvious what happens.

I'd like to share something with you that has helped me through some stuff and things. Please feel free to do with it what you will.

You mention fear. Very cool emotion. One of my favorites.

Each emotion has a gift and the gift of fear is wisdom if you are willing to embrace it.

Here are a few other emotions and their gifts:

Sadness = healing

Fear = wisdom

Resistance = protection

Anger = strength

Shame = humility

Embrace each feeling, even the uncomfortable ones, and get the gifts. :)

There are only 4 things we can do with feelings. Talk them out (share them), somotize them (turn them in on ourselves which leads to health problems etc), project them onto others (aim them at the wrong person place or thing), or act them out. Only the first is healthy.

I wanted to share. :)

I hope you will benefit as you make of this what you will. After a length of time spent avoiding our feelings, embracing them can take practice. Be gentle with yourself. If you decide to hire someone to help you with understanding or practicing the emotional stuff, do it for you, and again, be please gentle with yourself.

Another analogy I love is the one about putting on your own oxygen mask first when in a plummeting aircraft. Otherwise you are useless to others. Put on your oxygen mask. Do nothing but that right now. You need it. Once you have that on, you can worry about your wife.

Help please - my wife wants a divorce

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