I had to hurt my kids this weekend... it sucks

by Aussie Oz 40 Replies latest jw friends

  • mindmelda
    mindmelda

    My husband's ex bashed their father to his two older kids, my step children and forbade him to see them, and violated the court orders for visitation constantly, even hiding from us and changing the childrens names. All that earned her as they grew up was their contempt.

    They won't have anything to do with her that they can avoid doing now that they are adults.

    Let her be the bad guy...kids are more perceptive than you may think, especially teenagers.

    They can smell hypocrisy the way a hungry man can smell a pastrami sandwich from a half mile away. All that guilting will eventually just make them more and more reluctant to be around her.

    Everyone is right, the best way to impress the courts is to document everything she does that violates the custody agreement.

  • chickpea
    chickpea

    my only comments are to say i totally agree you
    had to set your boundaries so everyone knows
    where they are... and yes, it sucks that one parent
    is intent on being manipulative and obstructive,
    but ya know what? your kids will be better able
    to face the real world for having been exposed to
    it and assisted in dealing with it by your loving
    guidance....

    dont let the ex get to you.... or them!! stand your ground!!!!

  • upnorth
    upnorth

    Making the children aware of the agreement is a great idea.

    Them knowing the rules between you and the ex will allow them see how she's using them to manipulate.

    BTW you didn't hurt your children, you educated them

  • yknot
    yknot

    You are a great dad!!!!

    I remember my dad having to put down his foot in a similar manner.......

  • BabaYaga
    BabaYaga

    I see nothing YOU DID as being hurtful, Aussie. As far as I can see, you did a wonderful thing! Not only in sticking to the legal agreement which benefits you and your children, you did something else: You showed them BY EXAMPLE to stand up to guilt and oppression, and you taught them that they DO have options, even when they think they do not.

    Well done.

    Love to you and your family,
    Baba.

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    There's a mother of a teen in my meetup group. Her daughter was often forced to go to the Kingdom Hall with Dad despite how she told him she hates it. He talked about his parental rights, but she stuck to her guns and said she would gladly wait at home if he wouldn't skip the meetings. I know it's different from your situation, but you made me think about how tough it is on divorced parents and the kids in these one-JW-parent situations.

    She had to take him to court and establish her daughter's right to decide not to go to the Kingdom Hall.

    I think last weekend was the special talk so that might be a reason to switch to this weekend, but JW's keep coming up with all kinds of "special" weekend events: assemblies, conventions, campaigns, C.O. visit. Stick to your rights the best you can. You will soon lose out to sports events or weekends with their buddies sometimes, but you will be able to contribute to their joy living a regular life.

  • penny2
    penny2

    Wow, that would have taken a lot of courage for your son to stand up to his mother. Unfortunately she has a mind controlling cult behind her, and you are, well, just you.

    Congratulations Aussie, for taking a stand. Your kids will know you love them and really made an effort to spend time with them.

    penny

  • nugget
    nugget

    You hated laying on the guilt but in this case it was entirely necessary. How many children can say that they have such a close and loving relationship with their father after a divorce? You offer them something special, important and valuable and this should never be underestimated.

    Your ex wife is playing to her strengths, she lost the battle legally but intends to win the war via emotional blackmail and trickery. She is brilliant at it but it is unfair to use children as pawns in this way.

    I would go back to the lawyer and ask her to reitterrate the agreement and point out that putting pressure on the children to break the arrangement is unacceptable. If there are any legal consequences it may be worth pointing them out to her. It may give her pause for thought. Showing the children the agreement was an excellent idea and sets a valuable president for future visits. It shows that this is not a choice they need to make it is a legal requirement that they must follow. They need not feel guilty this is something that was agreed by you and their mother. It also empowers them and gives them the reason to say no to their mother.

    All you can do is reassure them of your love and how important this is. The first instance is the worst she was hoping you would cave in and comply, the fact you didn't is important. I don't think this war is over but you have made a stand. You sound like you supported each other, making tough decisions isn't easy and the short term distress will be less significant than the long term benefits of their relationship with you.

    Make sure that when the children come over you make plans too you are entitled to assume that they will be there for the weekend make sure that your ex is aware that these plans are non negotiable.

    I'm sorry it was hard but please believe it was worthwhile.

  • peaches
    peaches

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( auzzie oz and kids ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  • peaches
    peaches

    aussie oz---sorry about spelling....

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