I apologize to any sexual, racial, ethnic, religious, age-related, political, regional, national or other group I have NOT offended here. Enjoy!
How long will it take a field service engineer to change your light bulb? Answer: that's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
How many (chinese) red guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
How many `real men' does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none: `real men' aren't afraid of the dark.
How many `real women' does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none: a 'real woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
How many <generals/politicians> does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 1,000,001: one to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: what kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many aides does it take to change president reagan's light bulb? Answer: none, they like to keep him in the dark.
How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: all of them.
How many apl hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. There's a primitive for that.
How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none; assholes never see the light anyway
How many bell labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: that's proprietary information. Answer available from at&t on payment of license fee (binary only). Or nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. Or three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.
How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: it takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
How many bill dobbins does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: find out the whole story behind on his webpage www.screwinlight bulb.com
How many bimbos does it take to screw a light bulb? Answer: none, because they cannot get the condom on it...
How many blasco's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: the chicken-shit light bulb never showed up.
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: it depends whether the switch is on or off.
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
How many bratzlaver chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: about one third less than for a regular bulb.
How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. Or 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many Playstation-3s does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find them even if you knew how many.
How many californians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
How many carl sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: billions and billions.
How many christian scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
How many christians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: three, but they're really only one.
How many communists does it take to screw in a llight bulb? Answer: none. The bulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: one; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: i'll have an estimate for you a week from monday. Or we don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. It turned itself in.
How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: to get to the other side.
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many database people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: three.one to write the light bulb removal program. One to write the light bulb insertion program. One to act as light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many democrats does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: three - one to change the bulb, one to keep the bulb-changer's knees from jerking, and one to insist that the bulb be turned more to the left. Or 5000 for a new department of federal light bulbs, and additional 500 irs workers to collect additional taxes to cover light bulb acquisition, 200 to prepare environmental impact statements, 300 lawyers to determine if light bulbs for minorities burn out at a different rate then light bulbs for the oppressive white majority, etc.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to medicare.
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: one.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. Or none. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Or none. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
How many editors of poor richard's almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? Answer: many hands make light work.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? Answer: none. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two but you need a really big light bulb? Answer: why did the light bulb cross the road? Because it saw two elephants coming.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two: one to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many fbb's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: just one, but she charges $250 to let you watch her.
How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: that's not funny!!!!!!!!
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: four. One to screw in the bulb, one to comment on how the bulb violates the socket, one to secretly wish she was the bulb, and one to secretly wish she was the socket. Thats not funny! Q': how many 'cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? Or it's "radcliffe women" and it's not funny!
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb? Answer: who can tell. Fses are always in the dark. Or 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
How many field service engineers does it take to replace two dead light bulbs? Answer: not applicable. They replace your fuse box.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how much better the old light bulb was
How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: the entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: three: one to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. Or five: one to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. Or none. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
How many gay rights activists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. "the light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two. One to screw it in and the other to say "fabulous."
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
How many green party members does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
How many hackers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: one. But, hackers don't turn on the lights.
How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none. That's a software problem. Or none. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
How many harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many ibm technical writers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number gc7500439-0001, multitasking incandescent source system facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "this page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "a:.. Consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
How many intel engineers are needed to change a light bulb? Answer: 0.999999999683286, according to the pentium cpu that was recalled
How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 1,331: 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
How many jabbers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: just one, but he'll brag about his accomplishment for weeks on end.
How many jaxx's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none, he first has to gain 100 lbs. Of muscle to do such a herculean effort.
How many jehovah's witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 144,000.
How many jersey teenagers in 1976 does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: two or more. One to put in the blacklight, the rest to put greetings from asbury park" on the stereo and crash into the bean bag chairs.
How many jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. ("thats all right...i'll just sit here in de dark...")
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: one, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: oh wow, is it like dark, man?
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: how many can you afford? Or it only takes one to change your bulb...to his. Or lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man
How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: one, if it knows its own goedel number.
How many macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. You have to replace the whole motherboard. Or none. Mac users don't screw, they just point and click at the genital icon.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: depends on what you want to change it into.
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
How many marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none: the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: in an earlier work, wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] wiener, matthew p., <11485@ucbvax>, "re: yalbj", 1986
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. It's left to the reader as an exercise. Or one. He gives it to six californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. Or one. He gives it to five oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. Or in an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
How many members of the u.s.s. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 7. Scotty will report to captain kirk that the light bulb in the engineering section is burnt out, to which kirk will send bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, alpha regula iv, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, spock, bones, sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, scotty notices a klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up kirk et. Al. The new bulb is inserted, and the enterprise continues with its five year mission.
How many mensans does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes (_what_ is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery sobs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the bs and replace the bad bulb with a good one.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
How many microsoft technical writers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
How many mike bogens does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: he's not authorized to speak for the light bulb.
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none. ("well, i'll just sit here alone, in the dark....")
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: no, big daddy, but hum a few bars and i'll fake it. Or twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. See also "how many junkies..."
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?" None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. Or only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while i go get a new bulb?"
How many new yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none 'o yo' fuckin' business! Or 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
How many newsgroup subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 1,001: 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 106 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 99 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb 113 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 101 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 156 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post urls where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the urls were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected urls. 3 to post about links they found from the urls that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "me too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "me too's" to say, "me three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb faq. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold fusion was meant for, leave it here. 123 votes for alt.lite.bulb
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: there is nothing to change.
How many norwegians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: nine: one stands on the ladder and holds the bulb, 4 turn the ladder and 4 go around them in circles so they won't go dizzy turning the ladder
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Or nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
How many people does it take to change a one watt bulb? Answer: five. A black, a jew, two women, and a cripple... (topical to the resignation of interior secretary james watt in 1983)
How many people from new jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
How many polacks does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: just one, but you need 6000 russian troops in case he goes on strike!
How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: five: one to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
How many presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: just clinton, but he'll never admit it.
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: only one, but they get three tech. Reports out of it.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none...it's a hardware problem!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.
How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: you should have hit "n"!
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none. The light bulb must want to change itself without having gone to a psychiatrist first.
How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none. Real men are not afraid of the dark.
How many real women does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none: real women have a lot of real men around them.
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two: one to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: republicans only screw the poor… or none, they leave it to the invisible hand of the market. Or four hundred and sixty-two: twelve to investigate clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry, sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting r&d, thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs, fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb, forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the internet. Or three - one to change the bulb and two to complain that the old bulb was better.
How many roman catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
How many romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
How many russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many schmoos does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: just one, but you need four light bulbs, because the first three slipped from his slippery hands.
How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. Thats a hardware problem. Or one, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. Or two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
How many straight san franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: both of them.
How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
How many subgeniuses (hell's angels, or insert your favorite rowdies) does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: three. One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist.how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself.
How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? Answer: three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many taoists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: you cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
How many teenagers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: one. To hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around him.
How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. Televangelists screw in motels.
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: none. There never *was* any light bulb. Note: probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
How many of the prickly class does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: don't know, she hasn't screwed in a light bulb in 2 years!
How many tv comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two, one to screw it in, and another to say "sock it to me." (notes: sock it = socket. Also, the phrase was from "laugh in.")
How many u.s marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
How many ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: they don't need to, they glow in the dark. Note: topical to the chernobyl reactor disaster of 1984.
How many unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: as many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
How many us presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none, the constitution says that only congress can change light bulbs, so only congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a constitutional ammendment.
How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
How many vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: "approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
How many wasp princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: two. One to get a tab and one to call daddy.
How many wasps does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Or none; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
How many wasps does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: silly, wasps don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
How many yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: silly, yuppies don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub!
How many zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: a tree in a golden forest. Or two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. Or one to change and one not to change is fake zen. The true zen or four. One to change the bulb. Or none. Zen masters carry their own light.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? Answer: you can unscrew a light bulb.
--
Focus
( http://groups.google.com/groups?as_epq=change%20a%20light%20bulb Class)
