Another marriage lost at the hands of the JWs

by marriedtojw 44 Replies latest members private

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  marriedtojw

  Thanks for all the kind words and advice from all of you... its been a tough weekend.... trying to keep my mind off of it as much as you can, but it doesn't help when you come back to an empty house....

  When I came to this forum last november (i lurked for a while before I posted the first time) I can't say I didn't know how things would end up. She, even though a non-practicing JW for more than 15 - 20 years got back into it around last august and hit the ground running.. and that was the point when I started seeing major problems in our fairly new marriage, I was put last to everything else in her life.

  I'm just lost at how her family, who acted nice to me all these years, behind my back could encourage her to leave me. And now all completely ignore me. I'm trying to figure out where in the NWT it talks about shunning the husband of your daughter, I must have missed that section in 1st Corinthian 7 or the sermon on the mount.

  I have a lawyer lined up that I'm going to talk to... the baby's due in a couple days so I'm waiting for a little time after the baby's born (and at this point I doubt she's even going to tell me when she goes to the hospital) to start the court stuff. I really don't want to do it.. and this is going to be the toughest part for me.... Having to come to the realization that I have to take my wife to court just to see my kids... it just boggles my mind ... especially coming from someone who is suppose to be above all that....

  But it's a religion of love...

  Yeah this is the religion of love just as much as islam is the religion of peace....

  When my son's mother and I (dare I say the words 'baby's mama') set up custody and visitation of my son, we went through mediation.

  Yeah we have mediation here too, but the problem is she's extremely vindictive... something that should have been a clue for me years ago.. so this will not go easy...and its going to end up being a nasty court battle and I'm going to be constantly fighting with her just to see my kids every week.. its really sad it has to be this way...

  GLTirebiter thanks for the resources.. i'll check them out and read them tomorrow

  My wife is currently refusing to speak to me at all...she won't respond to my texts, she won't answer the phone... I guess i've been put in the "apostate" class like in that movie Worlds Apart... I wonder if this was approved by the elders

  Anyways.. again thanks for all the advice.. this forum is a great resource for people in my situation and gives me a place to vent where people understand what I'm going through...
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  GLTirebiter

  Well as Gary said, mediation beats a courtroom. Mediators are trained and paid to get agreements in place, and what they say carries a lot of weight with the judge should it come to that. Document what you can, and be cooperative with your wife as well as the mediator. If your wife insists on being vindictive that is her problem; a mediator will not appreciate that nor any other sort of bad attitude. Mediators hate uncooperative parties; they are professionals trying to do a difficult job under intense pressure. Behave well, and remember that the mediator is in charge.

  All I can add is to care for those children as best you can. They're the ones who need the most help. If you believe in prayers, you have them.

  --GLT
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  moshe

  I am afraid this will be war and the doormats will get shit on big time. The time to serve those papers on her from the lawyer is , NOW, when she is unable to do anything about it. Go to all the major divorce firms and have a "free" consultation, which should cause them to refuse your wife when she is looking for a lawyer. Make finding a lawyer a hard job- you might find out when asking for the consultation that a lawyer has to refuse you- why? Because, your wife has already hired/talked to them, while you have been looking at the driveway for the past month for her to come home.

  You must make an attempt to contact your wife/child in person and take a personal friend/witness with you, who will testify in court that they refused to talk to you. Wait in the car and have the friend ring the doorbell, then when the door opens you can attempt to talk. Get it on the record you have been shunned. Then go to the lawyer and explain how you have been cut off. Show the court that she can't be trusted to obey visitation orders. You must file that legal notice in the paper, asap, that you aren't responsible for any debts incurred by your wife as of today, since she has left your home and bed without notice.

  Next call the elders ( speakerphone with a witness) at the KH and ask them, if they know what is going on with your wife. Have they talked to her recently? Do they know where she is?

  Trust me, she won't come home unless whoever is giving her food and shelter stops doing that. And unless the elders get embarrassed by the negative publicity, they won't tell your wife to go home either. ( PM me, if you want my suggestions on how to embarrass the elders into telling your wife to go back home) You just found out who is calling the shots in your home and it's not you. That is why I tell anyone who wants to marry a JW, to avoid them like the plague, as you never know when they will relapse back into being an active JW and then all hell will break loose.
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  garyneal

  I agree with Moshe in that the elders need to be contacted. Jehovah's Witnesses HATE negative publicity because they want everyone to believe that they are GOD's chosen organization.
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  mamalove

  I am almost done with my divorce. I have two girls. Did the mediation thing. Spend loads of money on my lawyer. In the overall picture of things this is what you might expect. Each state is different.

  50/50 custody. Unless you or your wife have child porn, do drugs in front of the kids or beat them up, you both get 50% no matter what. Fight for that. YOUR kids deserve a shot at a better life.

  The divorce....save yourself the $15000 I am in now, and just convince her somehow to do mediation. My ex was too self righteous and felt like he would be complying with the unscriptural divorce, so we had to go the conventional way, and it sucks. My equity from our marital home is going to go to paying for the divorce. Nothing will be left for me at this point. But I do not care. Again, it is your future.

  If you cannot save the marriage, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It takes TIME, and maybe some therapy and nice good people in your lives to make you feel warm and loved again. You can find friendship and companionship and fun times so much more than your realize. It is hard to start over, but it is well worth it. I am over a year out of the borg, and almost finished with the divorce.

  PM me if you think of any questions. Remember those are your kids, not the organizations. They deserve a chance at normalcy! Hang in there!
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  Justitia Themis

  Lots of good advice. Here are my 2 cents. Prepare yourself emotionally for how UNconcerned your attorney and the courts will be about her being a JW. The process will seem almost formulaic (it really is just a formula...division of assets, monthly income, child support, etc.,...numbers).

  Also, your wife is choosing to believe JW doctrine and/or use it as a cover to divorce you. She may be the mother of your child/ren, but the sooner you come to terms with the fact that she is NOT really the person you thought her to be, the sooner you will be able to move on with your life.

  I suggest you do just that...move on with your life, because that truly is in the best interest of the child...a strong, stable, happy daddy.
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  moshe

  Jehovah's Witnesses HATE negative publicity

  That is the key, unfortunately most victims of the WT broken home policies suffer in silence, so the public never knows how bad the JWs really are.

  come to terms with the fact that she is NOT really the person you thought her to be,

  agreed, even , if she comes back, this battle will only happen again. Better to cut the losses and get favorable terms in court.
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  OUTLAW

  "All" the marriages in my family are shot to shit because of the WBT$..

  Take some advise from Moshe..

  ............................ ...OUTLAW
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  marriedtojw

  agreed, even , if she comes back, this battle will only happen again. Better to cut the losses and get favorable terms in court.

  Thats the hard part. I'm pretty devastated this weekend. it hit me really hard, step 4 of the 5 steps of grief I believe heh. after seeing the rings up for sale... and being told by her dad that he didn't want to talk to me.. and ignored by the rest of her family and her not answering a single text or phone call...not seeing my kids... it all came to realization... i don't know that I do want her back, even though..but I know what the end result will be and I guess that feeling will wane over time....

  I do realize tho that I need to consult a lawyer since this has gone so far down hill.. because knowing her she WILL try and keep my kids from me as hard as she can.. and I foresee a long battle with cops and courts involved until the newborn is 18.... its pretty sad.. unfortunately she's not a reasonable person ... and all that matters to her is what she wants.. what's best for her...

  I just don't understand why things have to be this hard..as far as the relationship goes or as far as the children go... makes no sense to me
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  flipper

  MARRIEDTOJW- I am so sorry you are going through this. It's pure hell . Actually if there WERE a burning hell- it would be more preferable. I too was married for 19 years to a fanatic JW woman. We divorced 1998 when my children were 13, 11, & 10. She did EVERYTHING she could to try messing up my visitation arrangements of half time with the kids ( Thursday through Sundays ) by arranging field service, sleepovers with friends , saying " Oh the kids have lots of homework " - everything. Like some have said - Mediation is the way to go. I had to do that to legally get my ex-wife to abide by it to honor the visitations.

  If your wife is as much an arrogant person as mine was - it will be necessary to have a good mediator or attorney helping you through this. Also - expect your wife, friends, and family to badmouth you to your kids. JW's DO NOT play by the rules of humane conduct or being civil- they are quite barbaric and destructive. But if your wife DOES badmouth you to your children- don't fall into the trap of badmouthing HER to your kids. It will just alienate your children further from you- and you don't need that. If you show dignity in front of your kids by NOT badmouthing their mother in front of them - I guarantee you your kids will see how respectful you are and that you aren't stooping to your ex-wife's horrid behavior.

  It's a tough go anyway you look at it friend. Remember, like others say here- your CHILDREN are the priority . Stay closely connected to them emotionally when you have them, or talking on the phone. Tell them you love them , and tell them this is NOT their fault. You and their mom just had differences. But that you'll be here for them- they need to know that. If you ever want to talk, I'll PM you my phone number. Keep your chin up and hang in there- this too shall pass in time