Some Things Matter, Some Things Don't
Being a Jehovah's Witness at any time and at any level is a major head f*ck. The reason is that it obscures what is important and causes you to focus on what doesn't matter.
I've moved on from my JW experience. It's a shame that I found myself a born in, taught to focus on things that don't matter. In fact, I really think that the years since my exit has taught me one of the greatest lessons that I can share. (as usual, for what its worth coming from me)
There are things that matter, really matter. And the opposite is also true. There are many things that don't matter, even if people, groups, political parties and religions insist that they do matter.
As an example, take the insane reasoning behind the JW preaching work. At every Kingdom Hall meeting it is stressed that "preaching" is a life saving work.
Whenever you attach phrases like "life saving work" to anything, that means it matters, right?
You would also expect something with "life saving work" attached to it to have some real urgency. Except that in JW land, it doesn't matter. If it did.....
....you wouldn't have 8 year old's offering colorful magazines with a brief 30 second presentation, then depend on that kids poor mom to keep records so that the 8 year old can have a "magazine route", "count their hours" "be a publisher", and thus, "set an example" for other kids in the Kingdom Hall.
Wasn't it about saving the householders life? So why entrust this to an 8 year old?
The fact of the matter is, JW's have taught things that don't really matter as being important. There is nothing life saving about offering a magazine, whose teachings and contents have gone through at least five generational wholesale changes since its inception in 1879.
What matters to the leadership of Jehovah's Witnesses is that you stay busy doing things that matter to them. Does it save anyone's life? Nope.
The above is one of many examples of the twisted, deluded thinking patterns that exiting JW's must overcome. To not deal with that deluded thinking will cause you to live your life as a life unexamined. Unable to tell the difference, you will continue to depend on other voices, other groups, other thoughts, to tell you what matters.
Until you take the time to decide what matters to you, nothing else really matters.
Over the years, it is my observation that recently detatched former JW's have difficulty "telling the difference". While as a JW, we used to make wholesale judgements on "worldly people" (heretofore called normal), in general, we continue to do the same thing.
It sucks to feel different and alienated.
But it is imperative to try and figure out what worldly/normal people long ago figured out about JW's. Which is, that JW's and all of their teachings are crap.
I hate to put it so bluntly, but in general, most normal (oops, I almost said worldly) people really couldn't give a rats ass about what the leadership of JW's say. "Oh, we are going to die? For not taking a Watchtower from your 8 year old daughter? Ok. I have a lunch appointment. See ya..." Not another moment wasted on bullcrap teachings of a cult that don't matter.
I realize that exiting JW's don't have the luxury at first of being able to properly view their former religious compatriots in the proper context. There are other consequences though that take time, and it is good to at least mentally acknowledge them.
I am not talking about trying on different points of view or lifestyles. Thats trying to grow as a person. What I am talking about is simply what dominates our thinking. What we obsess about that doesn't change anything, that upsets us, that paralyzes us.
Being reactionary is what kept us as a JW in the first place. Never proactively thinking, we swallowed whole (to be purged later) all of the crap we were told to think, say, and do.
Often, being reactionary continues. We get upset, obsessed, about things that don't matter and that we have no control over. We worry about people that don't matter, even if they don't care about us. They only care how they can use us.
Exiting JW's often have "USE ME" still stamped on their forehead. Fortunately, it isn't tatood, and it can be taken off with time and purposeful effort.
If people don't like us, or agree with us, its important to realize that they don't matter. I am not saying you are right. You could be as much of an A-hole as the elder who pisses you off every time you think about him. I own the fact that at my worst, I can be a bit of a stubborn jerk. We all have that to us.
But hopefully, we are aiming to be our best. If that is the case, then at our best, we will learn to be able to tell the difference as to what matters, what is important, as opposed to what isn't. Some people matter, others don't. So don't sweat it.
Say, speaking of people who disagree or don't like you, have you ever been shunned by a Jehovah's Witness? Doesn't matter. You know why? You can't control it. Also, Jehovah's Witnesses opinion of you doesn't matter.
You know what else doesn't matter? Any family who doesn't understand or appreciate that being a family is more important then being a cult. Even if they are duped, it doesn't matter. Don't waste your time on the duped. If its meant to be, they will come to you. If it doesn't, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are.
While the following list isn't exhaustive, they represent my thoughts as to what matters and what doesn't. Maybe you can add to this, for the benefit of exiting JW's who have to go through the process and learn what matters and what doesn't.
IT MATTERS:
That you are no longer a JW.
DOESN'T MATTER:
How that happened. Maybe you left like me and blew up the bridge on purpose after realizing it was a big freaking lie. Others get kicked out, disfellowshipped, and then after suffering all that's associated with that, learn after the fact that JW's are a lying cult that only cares about their own corporate existence. Doesn't matter. At least you are out of the bear cage at the zoo.
IT MATTERS:
To be honest about JW's. Yes, the people are in general, nice. I guess. But their teachings are wrong, and their culture is toxic. Nothing wrong with pointing that out.
DOESN'T MATTER:
If JW's are "brought down" "destroyed" or "outlawed". Whatever. Read Moby Dick and see if its worth a life dedicated to revenge. Did you figuratively lose a limb? Ok. You are still alive. There is still your future. You can't get in your Delorean, go back in time, and bitch slap yourself for the decisions you made. The only constructive thing to do is learn the lessons going forward for as long as you draw breath on this blue orb you inhabit.
IT MATTERS:
That you have an opinion.
DOESN'T MATTER:
If people agree or disagree. Yeah, there are consequences for thinking on your own. You could be wrong. Of course, to quote Billy Joel from his song 'Vienna': "Oh you can see where you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right." Sieze the day. Do whats right for you. Is that college? Moving and starting over? Pursuing a dream or career? Go for it. You are right. If whats right for you involves robbing a bank or becoming a drug dealer, well, then what I am about to say does matter. Don't. Duh.
IT MATTERS:
That you want to be happy.
DOESN'T MATTER:
If your happiness comes from the approval of others or other things out of your control, even if its close friends or family or other circumstances. If you can't/won't be happy until people you can't control like you or approve of you, then schedule unahappiness in your calander for oh, the next several years until you decide they don't matter. Like my mom told me before she died "Be happy." It really is a decision to make. It's not as easy as that, but it is a decision to make, and we all can do it and at least start down that road.
IT MATTERS:
To work, pay your bills and be responsible
DOESN'T MATTER:
That you get rich. If you can, GREAT! If you can't be rich, its ok to learn to be content. We all share one thing in common with Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Right now, they are sitting on a chair, with a computer nearby. Probably watching TV. Are you? You are rich. Don't give into envy. Work hard, and enjoy what you have. Rich people and poor people sit in one chair at a time, in one room at a time. It's all good.
IT MATTERS:
That you love them and if necessary, forgive them.
DOESN'T MATTER:
If they don't respond. Realize that love isn't co-dependency. You are allowed to love people and move on with your life.
IT MATTERS:
That I wrote this. (to me it matters)
DOESN'T MATTER:
If you didn't make it to the end of this long, stream of consciousness opinion piece. ;)
