Again thank you for the comments, I appreciate being able to talk with all of you about these difficult issues. That's really been the hard part about all of this, my conversations with my wife degenerated into constant arguments (not heated with shouting and all, but very tense unpleasant conversation just the same), so I've not really had anyone to open up to about how I feel. This board is great!
Prisca,
I don't resent in any way those who make comments that I don't want to hear. That's the nice thing about being in the "world", you can disent. There is room for principaled disagreement. It's true that I promised my wife that I would stay with her forever. I feel very bad about not believing that the WT isn't the truth. To be honest, I was happier when I thought that god would make everything turn out right in the end. As they say, "reality sucks". But the advantage with reality is that it's real. (I know that's redundant) It's also the only thing we've got. I have struggled with this part of it. If it weren't for my wife, I wouldn't have tried so long and so hard to make myself believe something that simply makes no sense to me. I thought about it from every angle that I could. It doesn't add up and I won't/can't be a part of it anymore.
There are two angles here.First, would I have married her if I had not been lied to by the society? No way. She's a fine person. Smart and attractive. But, looking at it objectively, if the most beautiful woman in the world invited me to go down to Jonestown, well... it's a no-brainer as they say. My wife's beliefs are strange, and even threaten our lives(talking about blood) I won't rant on about this anymore. So why did I promise her to love her forever? I was under the delusion, inspired by self appointed prophets, that the world was going to end anyday. She and I wanted to pioneer, go to Gilead ( we were invited to the 100th (?) class, but I got very sick just a few weeks before the letter came) and save as many people as possible from the world-wide destruction. (madness!!!) She's still delusional, I'm not, I've recovered and I want a real life. (I guess the real life part is point #2) I could live a life devoid of any meaningful emotional contact, never have children (for the reasons explained above) and probably get by. She's not going to be terribly happy under those conditions either by the way.
So, in a nutshell, am I obligated to keep a promise made under those circumstances? Is it worth ruining two lives, hers and mine, for the sake of keeping a promise? Is not inevitable that this will happen again to me, and maybe her? (leading separate lives makes the chances of infidelity a lot greater, i'm sure)