by Marilyn 20 Replies latest jw friends
I'm wondering if any of you ex elders ever felt embarrassed or awkward about having to stick your noses into other peoples business Did it ever seem like that to you, or were you of the mind that you were a necessary part of the lives of the flock?
Marilyn
Marilyn, I always HATED to stick my nose into other people's business. That was one of the most painful aspects of being an elder and I always thought, "As mature people, why can't people just take care of their OWN business?" I never felt I was a necessary part of the lives of the flock. I did like helping others as I could, but did not like snooping into their "BUSINESS."
Once when I was on a committee where the husband admitted to having sex with another woman when he was on a business trip, I felt so upset inside for his wife, who was at the meeting also, because I had such a high regard for her --- a beautiful beautiful girl physically and personality-wise --- and such a low opinion of her schmuck husband who really had no appreciation for her (I wondered why they got married), that I realized I might not be able to do that kind of committee thing anymore. In fact, I tried to avoid all committee garbage after that and was beginning to realize I could not do this stupid JW thing anymore.
Marilyn,
Although there were times when people would come to me with personal matters wherein I felt I was of help, delving into peoples lives in judicial matters or other investigations always made me feel ill.
I can assure you there are elders out there who love it. But I doubt you will find them here.
Jst2laws
Picosito, I'm not at all surprised to hear answers like yours. I also think people should learn to sort out their own problems. If advice is asked for then certainly it should be offered, but questioning all the gory details of an adultery must be abhorant to a well rounded individual. The situation with the guy having the affair on the business trip must have been beyond belief - the kinda thing you prefer not to know. Of course the obvious advice to the wife would have been to seek therapy for her low self esteme - which was probably the reason she married the jerk in the first place. But what elder is going to give advice like that ??
Just2laws, I know that some elders really get off on the authority given them by the WTS. I know one (a relative) who just revels in it. It's usually men who are inadequate as human beings, and therefore being a big important elder gives them the status they can't get any where else. However I'm sure that some 'brothers' just get hauled into the job and cringe constantly at the indignaties of Eldership. <sigh>.
Marilyn
I was never an elder but sure as s*** I was the scope of their interviews.
I felt at the time that I committed adultery that I had no other choice. I had gone through 3 congregations trying to get help from an individual that is considered a "psychopath" (by worldly authorities) with no help. I felt that adultery would only help me get out of the situation I was in (physical/mental abuse, attempted murder on many occasions,.....etc.) I felt I had no other recourse.
Yeah right!!!!!
When I did what I felt was "just enough" to be able to get a divorce.......I found out I still couldn't if HE still forgave me. In that "interview" they had to ask details. I mean down to demonstrating what was done (the act itself).
What really sucked about the whole thing is that one of the Elders that was on my Committee turned right around and reported to dickhead what I had done to the minutest detail. That's love for you huh?
Dear Dazed, I just answered your post about squeaky clean. You have been to hell and back by the sound of things. I'm so glad you have found this place. I think you have a lot to say and I hope you don't stop until you feel a little bit better. I hope your life is better now? It surely couldn't be worse??
Marilyn
I noticed the same as "dazed" myself on numerous occassions when hauled up.
The Elders wanted to know every detail, too many details.
Why is that?
refiners, Iremember talking to my brother and his wife about when they were younger. The Elders seem to have anagenda against ALL young people at the time. They (the elders) pulled the young ones (teenagers) to their (the elders) meetings. They asked many questions.........but when they talked to my brothers girlfriend (now my sister in law) they needed to have details.
Elders: what did you do?
Jen: We held hands.
Elders: Did he get a woody? (American slang for a hard on)
Jen: I have no idea...........I was holding his HAND.
ugh!!!!!!!!!!!
Makes you wonder what the true agenda is. Is it to find out the truth or is it to get a hard on vicariously?
Marilyn, life is better but you or no one on this board knows the scope of what I have dealt with. "Worldly people" don;t understand how I could have possibly endured this without going totally insane.
Marilyn:
There were times when people came up to me and told me about their problems and I was able to help them cope. Of course, that happens outside the JW world as well and I'm always happy to be able to assist someone.
There were times, however, when people came up to me because I was an elder and told me things I really preferred not knowing, both about themselves and about other people as well. This was always very disturbing to me. I found out something about a friend of mine that to this day I wish I did not know. I found out something about a couple of relatives of mine (because I was an elder) that I wish I did not know. There was a situation with an elderly sister that I love very much that till today still troubles me, something that may or may not be true but now that it's in my mind, I can't shake it.
I have many times been embarrassed at having to approach (especially sisters) someone to ask them if such and such a thing was true because there had been an accusation made. I had many friends in the congregation (still do) and from time to time I have had to approach these people about some very personal things that changed our relationship to each other from that point on.
There is another facet to this thing that some may not realize. I'm no longer serving as an elder and I go to the meetings only to keep in touch with my friends still there. There are some that I never did like and still don't. I know a lot of things about those people as well. Since I am no longer an elder I wonder if some of those people who have disclosed deep, dark, very personal secrets about themselves, think that I may start blabbing about it. I would not but is it a fear in their minds now?
I would also like to point out that I many times found out things about people that I never breathed a word about it to the other elders. I chalked it up as personal weaknesses and no one's business but their own. I know some things about certain people right now that would warrant a judicial committee meeting immediately. I will not say a thing although every one of them would quickly run and tattle on me in an instant if they thought they had something against me they could use. One in particular has, in the past, even fabricated things against me. Yet, what I know about this person could mean his ousting from the organization if I were inclined to tell.
As an elder I was conditioned and trained to think that my role was important to the maintaining of a clean congregation, a congregation of which Jehovah would approve. In the end I saw things differently but it was difficult to change old ways of thinking.
BTW, that was a good question! It made be go back and think about some things.
Frenchy just gave me a little more perspective on elders. Some of them must hate being elders, and don't want to lose their friends by having to accuse them. It's pretty sad. Good post M.
ashi
