Question for ex elders

by Marilyn 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  DB

  Maryln, thanks for asking this question. I served for nearly a decade, and yes, there were uncomfortable moments.

  Once, a sister asked us to call on her to discuss the fact that her hubby (also a jw, but less active than she) wanted oral sex. Myself and another elder made the call, and basically it boiled down to us advising her and her hubby to work it out themselves. I think she wanted us to somehow pressure of force him into seeing things her way, but fortunately, we had enough sense not to do that. Of course, the other elder took along the March 1983 WT article on marriage and sex, which, even at that time, I thought was a ridiculous piece of work that actually contributed to marital discord.

  Another thing about being an elder that bothered me: the line between knowing the 'condition of the flock' and getting into their personal business is often a fine line indeed. Also, knowing people's field service averages and so forth can easily tend to make a person feel that the "low hour publisher" is somehow less worthy or less righteous than others, which is not good. Also, knowing people's personal business or shortcomings in certain areas in which they perhaps were counseled can easily give an elder a jaded view of such ones.

  Additionally, there were times when complaints were made to me about others (especially in areas of dress and modesty of sisters) that really bothered me. For example, one sister came to me and told me that another sister looked immodestly dressed for service. Rather than go directly to that sister, she came and told me, expecting me to handle it. I advised her to mention it to the sister directly, and if she could not do that, to just let the matter drop, and told her I'd check back with her in a week or so. When I checked back and asked her if she had addressed the matter with the other sister, she said she felt as if she could just let the matter drop. So in other words, she wanted me to do her 'dirty work' and refused to approach the sister directly, which is what the Bible says we should do when such matters arise. A similar situation occured at another time as well, with a sister handing me a note (!) during the meeting with a written complaint about another sister's skirt length.

  So, yes, there were many situations that were awkward for me, and greatly contributed to the fact that I never was happy serving as an elder.
• 

  Xena

  Well I know I used to feel sorry for the elders sometimes cause I knew some people that went to them for every single nitpicky problem that they had! Instead of going to the person they had a problem with and straightening it out themselves (isn't that what the Bible councils to do anyway??) they would run tattle to the elders.

  lol DB our posts must have crossed...I see you have a great example of the nitpicky stuff I was talking about!
• 

  LB

  Xena my very good friend was an elder. He told me once that a brother called him up, first thing in the morning, to tell him that his pioneer wife would not render him his due. I mean, give me a break.

  Guess sometimes ya gonna render things yourself.

  
  Never Squat With Yer Spurs On
• 

  picosito

  Regarding Oral Sex, it was REALLY SICK how the WTS typically referred to it as a perverted act that a husband was always forcing upon his wife!!! And that it was something committed "in a house of prostitution." Gimme a break!!!!!!!!!
• 

  DIM

  What my wife and I do in the bedroom is nobody's business and the WTS can go f**k themselves.

  i'm sick and tired of hearing things from uptight-short-sighted-narrow minded hypocritics. all i want is the truth just gimme some truth - John Lennon
• 

  picosito

  Methinks they ARE f***ing themselves --- by everything they do and say now. "They shall be known by their works."
• 

  California Sunshine

  Some posts make you both laugh and cry.

  Good one Marilyn

  I remember buying a bottle of wine and celebrating when I found out the CO who caused a lot of pain in my life ran off with one of the women he worked with and left his dub-wife and kids and then later was killed in a traffic accident (I'm pritty ashamed of that now). What is the old saying? Oh yeah, "what goes around, comes around".

  No offence intended toward any of the ex elders who have posted on this thread. Its nice to know there were some decent ones out there.
• 

  gumby

  As an elder.....you Had to stick your nose in peoples buisness if it involved a Judiciall matter. ( I felt it as a job and it didn't bother me much)
  
  The two extreme cases for me involved Sexual Misconduct.
  In both cases we had to find out what the extent was and if it involved 'Pornia'as defined by the society in the Elders Books.
  
  You have to find out what body part was touched,for how long, who initiated it,and many other questions that would be embarassing to anyone.

  As I look back I wished someone would have said to me..."How about this brothers....I will talk to Jehovah about the whole matter and let him deal with it since I'm sorry and he is the judge anyways"

  I wish I could call all the ones I dealt with and say I'm sorry for having a part in what I did and what they had to go thru in front of a few men.
• 

  WindRider

  Gumby, what I could never understand was why, after confessing to the elders that you committed adultery or fornication, they would need to know the particulars?.....who touched whom first, how long, what were all the acts involved, etc.?

  I mean they have the act in question: sexual relations; so why can they not just counsel from that point on? Is it to humiliate the people involved?

  I know there are many good, caring elders. Ive known quite alot; but then there are those few that you can't help but feel like they revel in every last juicy detail.

  Windrider
• 

  Marilyn

  DB and Frenchy, Thank you both for your perspectives. I've always known that different personalities would react in different ways to the work of and elder. I still (after 20 yrs out) have a deep fondness for a couple of the elders in the congregation that I was in. I suppose it was the thought of one of these gentlemen that made me wonder about the prying and snooping that goes on by some elders. Near the end of my JW life, we had a lot of visits from elders and I had a new baby that was always crying. One time when the elders came to the door I asked them if they'd come to make a nuisance of themselves again. It was the rudest thing I'd ever said to anyone, but I'd been up ALL night with the baby and I was tired of the endless visits. Basically I thought it had all been said - coz they couldn't understand why we no longer believed, and we were just going over and over the same old ground. BEfore our loss of faith, we never had occassion to consult the elders about anything of a private matter. But I know plenty who did.

  Marilyn