Do you feel sorry for the family members who shun you? (page 3)

troubled mind

I wish you would just go up to your Mom at the park one day and give her a big hug and tell her ," Mom let's cut out this nonsense ...just because I no longer want to be a witness does not mean I no longer want you to be my Mom " , "Please don't let a policy kill your natural affection for our family ,Mom"...

I have never understood how witnesses believe the dfging policy is a discipline meant to bring someone to their senses .... If after let's say a year the person still does not want to come back into the fold then for crying out loud MOVE on .Just treat them as an unbeliever , BUT why in the world destroy the family over it ?????

I saw my Mom go through the inner turmoil of trying to shun her son for 40 some years ....it was the stupidest thing I have ever witnessed ....

Growing up seeing that made me know for a fact I WOULD NEVER TREAT ONE OF MY OWN KIDS THAT WAY .

I also saw what pain my mother in law went through when her youngest son was df'd . She would call and cry to me for hours over not being able to talk to him anymore . He disappeared for several years in a way to say screw you to his parents for shunning him . When he finally came back to the area they decided to at least see him once a year .... He is now in his 30's and has three children ......they still only see him once a year .

Before I left I honestly told her how stupid I thought all that was here she is doing something she really does not want to do ,but only because she is being tolod to do it .......I told her IT IS YOUR CHOICE ! You are choosing to shun your son and you can CHOOSE NOT to shun him just as easily ! I think deep down she knows it is all BS ,but she is afraid to rock the boat ....

WingCommander

I gotta say, every time I read or hear about a scenario such as this I'm sickened.

I'd flat out ask them if Jesus would act in such a way? Name one instance in the Bible where he shunned someone? You can't, because it didn't happen. So tell me again how this is "Christ-like" love? F*cking Bullsh*t control tactic is what it is - punishment for not conforming to their BS rules.

I am constantly reminded of the scripture in the bible, which talks about how it would be in the last days......"....hard times, hard to deal with, when what was once good is now bad, and bad is now good. People being haugty, puffed up with pride, parents have no natural affection, children disobeying parents".....etc, etc. I paraphrased it, but you probably know the scripture I'm getting at. The "no natural affection" part is what strikes me with this shunning. Way to actually FULLFILL a prophecy, WT Org!!!

- Wing Commander

THE GLADIATOR

Some good comments. Personally I would tell them that their associating with you and the grandchildren is compromising their belief that people who no longer follow the Watchtower bible & tract society are bad.

Also associating with you and at their same time ignoring you in front of your children is damaging to the children. It undermines your authority as parents. It's not the sort of example that will help your children grow into decent people and learn respect.

Your parents must play a proper roll as grandparents and act in a loving way or stay the hell out of the way! Anything in between is unhealthy and stressful for all concerned.

Scully

Without the knife the WTS holds at the neck of its JW hostages, the one that threatens they too will be DFd if they do not shun DFd people, some JWs would still find excuses to treat people whose behaviour they disapprove like human garbage.

If each and every JW exercised their constitutional rights to freely associate with whomever they wanted, whenever they wanted, what exactly, pray tell, would the WTS be able to do about it? DF everyone?? Put themselves out of business?? Yeah, right.

If that happened, the WTS would be so scared $h!tless of their cash flow disappearing, they'd have no alternative but to change the doctrine.

People always have a choice. Sometimes they have to choose between two alternatives because someone "says" they have to choose one or the other, but they do have a choice whether to shun or not.

I have to agree with the thought that allowing your parents to see your daughter while giving them an opportunity to shun you sends a very wrong message to your daughter. Shunning behaviour gives your parents an "I'm right, you're wrong" position that is communicated to your daughter, even if the words are never said. Shunning behaviour disrespects you - would you allow anyone else to disrespect you in your child's presence? If not, why should your JW parents, whose shunning behaviour is based on false beliefs, have that opportunity?

AwSnap

Your mom has made her Choice..

She can blame that choice on anyone she wants..It`s still her choice..

Regardless of age..These people behave like Children..

I couldnt agree more.

VoidEater

I don't feel sorry for them, though I recognize they're brainwashed dupes. It's sad, but I have enough in life to take up my time without wringing my hands for people that choose to be crazy.

SweetBabyCheezits

I'm not trying to make excuses for my mom but I see her as truly incapacitated by the WT and my dad. She wants to be loyal to god and thinks that means being submissive to Dad and the WT. She has very low self-esteem and doesn't think she's capable of trusting herself. (Always quoting Jer. 17:9 about how the 'heart is treacherous'.... therefore cannot be trusted. Another reason I see the bible as being a precursor to the WT: so heavy on control tactics.)

My dad wanted to start shunning us when we stopped going to meetings but my mom couldn't do it. She would sometimes sneak an email to me or call. The last week prior to our DF'ing she called almost every day to tell me she loved me. Apparently it created a lot of stress in their marriage. Honestly, I think if Dad was ok with it, she would at least say hello and give me a hug even now that we're DFd because she KNOWS I'll never go back.

Having said that, you guys make some excellent points I hadn't considered. It's great to get other perspectives here!

TM, I thought about trying what you suggested at the top of the page. If that doesn't work, I may have to cut them off from the kids completely. Then they can choose between acting civilized or not seeing their grandchildren.

Might just use some of the comments here in an email to them:

Gladiator: "...associating with you and the grandchildren is compromising their belief that people who no longer follow the Watchtower bible & tract society are bad." '...ignoring us in front of the children is damaging to the children. It undermines our authority as parents.'

Scully: "Shunning behaviour disrespects you - would you allow anyone else to disrespect you in your child's presence?"

Thanks to everyone for your viewpoints.

SweetBabyCheezits

3D1H: "...I cowardly try to fade."

From my perspective, it isn't cowardly to fade at all.

WWW, your Mom's experience is exactly what I wish to avoid for my own mother... Very sad. And yet I expect something similar will happen if the shunning continues.

WasBlind, I totally agree and I think that's a big reason I feel sorry for my mom.

AwSnap

I'm not trying to make excuses for my mom but I see her as truly incapacitated by the WT and my dad. She wants to be loyal to god and thinks that means being submissive to Dad and the WT. She has very low self-esteem and doesn't think she's capable of trusting herself.

I do not think you are alone with this comment. My sister is shunning me, and I flip flop betweeen your reasoning here and the reasoning that she's still an adult and is choosing to ignore/shun me. I had family in town recently, and it was so awkward. There were times when I had to make sure I was working so that she'd have time to hang out with them without me. It felt pretty rediculous and degrading, and I was mad at myself for working to keep myself out of the picture.

I think this is all still fresh in your parent's minds. In your other thread where you mentioned your dad and the hugs goodbye & he said something like, "Good grief! How many times do we have to do this??!" ..... that stuck with me. It really reminded me of my own father. But now years have passed, and things have gotten MUCH better. He's still an elder, but he KNOWS I am never coming back & will now associate with me. Then again, I am not DF'd

THE GLADIATOR

SweetBabyCheezits

Your parents are being influence by their mental regulation meetings and association with confidential members within the WT setup.

The stand off situation doesn't work. Stay close to them and exert your own influence. It is much greater than you can imagine. You have something that they value beyond words - your children.

Help them to understand the difference between fantasy and the reality of what they can see and hold right now in the real world - their grand children. Their grand children's genes are the closet thing to immortality that they will ever know.

All the best.

Do you feel sorry for the family members who shun you?

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