Do you feel sorry for the family members who shun you?

by SweetBabyCheezits 64 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  zarco

  SBC -

  Yes, I feel sorry for the WTS does to those "loyal" to it and I feel sorry for those who decide to stay "loyal" at great cost to themselves. For your parents they probably have too much invested in the organization - hours of work, friendships, a belief system - to allow them to consider leaving it. The cost to them is too great. And sadly the cost to them of shunning you is less, at least for now. As time passes, I am sure they will reconsider.

  It seems that for thinking witnesses that do not practice shunning, the witness/disfellowshipped relationship still is not a full normal relationship. There is something that is held back, maybe the fear of being "caught" or possibly a guilty conscience. So even after your mom or dad start associating with you, it will still be difficult.

  I think for those of us that think for ourselves, we expect the same of others. But in reality the organization punishes those who think for themselves. So I try not to judge the individuals for what they do. I have no problem judging the leadership.

  You have handled yourself so well through all of this. There probably will be times when it will get to you, but the majority of the time you will enjoy your freedom and celebrate standing for principles.

  All the best to you and yours,

  zarco
• 

  sd-7

  Well, I don't know. I feel sorry for my brother, because he was always...my big brother. We had a bond that only brothers can share. When he heard about my DF'ing, he hit me with a barrage of ad hominem attacks during a rather animated discussion (see my Fam'ly Intervention thread for details on that). I'd had a bone to pick with him for a long time before then, and the sad thing is, I found that I didn't hate him or bear ill will towards him at all after that night. I watched him leave my parents' house in anger, and I felt so sorry for him. It's like...he will never know that who and what we were, all those years we spent trying to do the 'right thing', all of it was for nothing. Well, not for nothing.

  I always thought...if one day I found out that it really was a cult--which I'd given thought to whenever I heard stories about other cult groups--that I'd get out of there, and my family would have the good sense to get out, too, before they started doing anything crazy. It saddens me to think that I get out of it alone.

  As Nightcrawler once said (and this sci-fi quote is for you, zoiks), "I didn't hate them, I pitied them. Do you know why? Because some people will never know anything beyond what they see with their own two eyes."

  -sd-7
• 

  SweetBabyCheezits

  As Nightcrawler once said (and this sci-fi quote is for you, zoiks), "I didn't hate them, I pitied them. Do you know why? Because some people will never know anything beyond what they see with their own two eyes."

  SD-7, I remember that - it came from the best in the X-Men series, IMO, which had a heavy anti-prejudice theme throughout. Good point.

  Zarco, you are right about my parents' investment in the org. I figure that plays a major part in my dad's strict obedience.

  I'm like you, Snap... I waver between feeling empathetic and feeling like they are reaping the consequences of surrendering their thinking to the WT. But those feelings vary depending on the family member I'm thinking about. For example, the younger family members, like my wife's JW brother and cousin, just piss me off. Unlike my mom, they have a little better world view and some self-esteem. They've shown arrogance in their words to us so I don't feel sorry for them at all. If they want to sit up on their mountain, so be it. That's how your sister comes across to me (based on your posts).
• 

  AGuest

  Sometimes it works to just stand up, look a person in the eye and say, "No." Kindly, lovingly... but no. For example, no, you will not treat me... my spouse... or my/our children this way... and expect to be a part of our lives. No, you will not treat me this way in front of my spouse/children, etc., no matter what you expect. No, I won't tolerate it and if you wish to have anything to do with me/them/us... you will kindly put your beliefs in check when you're around me/us/them. I won't discuss what I don't like about what you believe when you're around... and you will NOT disregard/disrespect ME when I'm around. I don't want to have to give you this kind of ultimatum, but apparently you're not mature enough to give yourself one. So, you've given me absolutely NO choice but to do it for you. So, choose, because the choice is really yours. But choose today. And make sure you can live with your choice. Because once YOU make it... it really is done. And I CAN live with that.

  I have done this... three times in my life... and it worked. Had nothing to do with JWs/religion, but how some folks thought they could treat me "ill." Uh-uh... and it did work.

  Of course, I can't say that it will always work. Depends. On whether the person addressed respects others, others' integrity... their freedom of religion and right to choose, etc... and cahones. Not has cahones, but respects those who do. Some fools don't. But I wouldn't care - I'd most probably still have to say it. Regardless.

  Peace to you and your household, dear SBC... and may your mom come to her "senses"... soon.

  Your servant and a slave of Christ,

  SA
• 

  laverite

  It actually just pis**s me off.
• 

  mamalove

  Yes and no. My sister is a victim. She is not strong enough to think for herself. My mom is a victim too, but she stabbed me in the back big time with regards to my divorce, so I do not feel sorry for her. I am sure she is more angry than sad or missing me. Its all about control with those people.
• 

  cyberjesus

  Can they make a choice? Really? Can they just disobey their God given rules?

  I understand them. I feel bad for them. I know that if they werent in this cult they wouldnt be like that.

  If my father gets Alzheimers should I get upset at me for not recognizing me? for not talking to me? Could I blame him?

  I used to shun my aunt when she was Dfd.... It hurt me, but I didnt know better, I was following the rules I was taught and I was trying to do my best to please Jehovah. Was it my choice? Really? No it wasnt. I had no choice. Thats what a Mind Control Cult does. It removes individual reasoning and replaces it with group thinking.

  We are ALL hurt by this Cult. but blaming the victims of the cult is as irrational as their shunning. We are survivors of the cult. They are still trapped. If you get them out and they still shun you with their full abilities then so be it.

  In the meantime. I love my family because I am out and I understand they are trapped. I talk to them and I ignore their rules, I show them love and respect and that confuses them. Because they realize who is showing more human care.
• 

  Coffee House Girl

  I feel the same as CyberJesus, I have been on both sides- I did the shunning when I was in & absolutely thought I had no choice, I was trapped & it hurt me badly- I had to apologize to my brother and father (they were both DF'd at one time) after I got out. All I could say is, "I honestly felt that I had no choice, I am sorry I fell pray to that thinking, I know better now-"

  Now I do feel badly for my mom, sister, nieces, and friends- but I understand where their mind is & I can still choose to love them even if they choose not to speak to me

  Those others in my hall that look the other way when I walk down the street; thats a different story ( I kinda like the uncomfortableness it causes them, it amuses me greatly)

  I feel for you SBC and your mom, chin up-

  CHG
• 

  ziddina

  Great paragraph, BoyZone!!

  Excellent idea, Troubled Mind - and I like the way you phrased it! "Please don't let a policy kill your natural affection ..." RIGHT on!!

  Tim, I'm sorry that your situation has taken a turn for the worse. Hopefully your mother will gradually erode those Watchtower chains on her mind. Your father's rigidity sounds like a big obstacle, though - I would bet anything that he's insisting that she "behave" and not act "brazen"...

  As for my family - they don't shun me, I shun THEM!!! But, they were monsters before they even joined the cult...

  I would wish that your mother be as eager to communicate with you, as my parents are with me - but for a totally different reason. [My parents seek to resume domination of me, heart, mind and soul...]

  The cult mentality fit into their personal agenda, very nicely...

  Zid
• 

  Scully

  cyberjesus:

  I used to shun my aunt when she was Dfd.... It hurt me, but I didnt know better, I was following the rules I was taught and I was trying to do my best to please Jehovah. Was it my choice? Really? No it wasnt. I had no choice. Thats what a Mind Control Cult does. It removes individual reasoning and replaces it with group thinking.

  Well, in my own experience, with JW relatives, I have a bit of an ace in my pocket. They demonstrated quite amply to me that they are willing to suspend the shunning requirement if it is to their benefit, because they went on a vacation a few years back and not only associated with a DFd person, they dined with that person, stayed in that person's home, and accepted other forms of hospitality such as tours of the vacation destination with the DF'd person in that person's vehicle. They even have photographs of all those things. And yet they draw a line in the sand with their own flesh and blood, and as far as I'm aware I'm neither DFd nor DAd. The blatant hypocrisy makes my blood boil.