Advice for a non-witness dealing with a fiance's witness family (page 3)

Lion Cask

There is an option implicit in bohm's advice (which is a good starting point) and that is to attempt to open your MIL's eyes to the fallacy of the Watchtower. It is most probably a longshot, but it's another avenue of approach worth considering, and maybe in the end the two of you can agree to respect one another's path in life and agree to live and let live. The body of evidence that the WTS is not what it represents itself to be is formidable.The difficulty is getting the devoted Witness to open her eyes and mind sufficiently to see the truth about The Truth. Dedicate a good bit of time to researching the jwfacts.com website and use this board to get answers to the specific questions that arise as your knowledge of the WTS improves. This is also a good place to query approaches you should and should not take to improve the chances you will actually be able to start and sustain a civil conversation with your MIL. If this is what you decide to do you will need to take your time and be patient.

nugget

Your fiance has done the right thing in seeing the flaws and taking a stand and trying to live his life free of JW control, no small feat for someone brought up in this religion. Although he may wish that his parents were supportive and natural parents they are not. He can only be responsible for his own actions and behaviours not theirs, they are all adults and have to take responsibility for their own choices. They made wrong ones and have tried to inflict them on others.

He needs to be proud of his achievements so far and acknowledge the courage and determination he has shown. He should be applauded for giving his son the choices in life he never had and sticking with this decision despite the pressure from his family. His conditioning will tell him that he has to feel bad about this situation and that what he is doing is shameful and however much he may disagree with this perspective he is dealing with years of conditioning. My suggestion is he changes his point of view. His family are the ones in trouble and wasting their lives not him. By making a success of his new life choices and taking joy in his accomplishments he demonstrates to them that there is happiness and unconditional love without the organisation. Feeling a little disapproval for them is a great way at feeling superior and getting some self esteem back.

Tell him to pour his energy into his new family for now and leave his parents to their cult. Focus on the things he can change and the people who appreciate him. Stop flogging the dead horse of parental approval and accept that for now they will not change. Outside the org he is somewhere to come should anyone want out themselves he is a sanctuary. Remember people have to come to sanctuary themselves. Before accepting any further invites from his mother he should ask her what she wants to discuss and if it is same old same old then decline he does not have to put up with that. Don't make yourself available for punishment.

Be a good role model for your son, be good parents, be proud of your efforts to include his unappreciative, judgmental family they don't deserve you both.

I quit!

I see so much good advice I don't see any need to add anything but wanted to say welcome to the board Jaime

mrsjones5

It's never a good idea to let someone come into your family and ridicule your mate. It hurts you, your mate, and eventually your child. If she's slamming your man (her son) now you better believe she will do it with your son if she gets the chance. Set some good boundries and if she crosses them, kick her to the curb.

Welcome to the board.

OUTLAW

Guess what?..It never stops..

JW`s can be the rudest,most ignorant people you have ever met..

And..

That`s fine with them..

Find a way to have as little contact as possible..

Most of all..

Protect your children from them..

JW`s will stop at nothing to convert them..They will work decades at it..

Regardless of how much you protest..

........................ ...OUTLAW

Black Sheep

Hi Jaime

What I would do is say to her that although you respect her beliefs...

I disagree with Nugget on this. Maybe its not really what she meant to say.

I respect their right to hold their beliefs, but I would never let a cult member think I respected their beliefs. If they want that, they are going to have to sit down with me and calmly and rationally discuss the evidence for, and against, their church leader/s, alone, being truly chosen by God.

Let her know that if she lets her beliefs interfere with her relationship with her children and grandchildren, as far as you are concerned, that is her choice.

She let her son get baptised at ten. Let her know that you think that a ten year old is far too immature to make a such lifelong decision, especially in a religion that does not tolerate differences of opinion in all doctrine including new doctrine that was not taught when he was baptised. He has not been DFd or DAd himself, so there are no repercussions from the Elders in her congregation for associating with him, so she chooses any shunning all by herself. She should be grateful for that loophole and make the most of it and avoid saying anything to her church leaders that would result in him being DF or DA.

Congratulations to you and BF on the birth of your son.

Chris

jamiebowers

Yes, my fiance was indeed baptizied at the age of 10. He slowly faded from the organization and avoided the elders as they came knocking on our apartment door and calling his cell phone to try and find him. He chose to do it this way so that he was not DF'd, but just "inactive." We wanted to ensure his family could have a place in our lives if they chose to.

Your fiance's toxic mother and the evil Watchtower cult are trying to hold him to a decision he made at the tender age of 10 years old. That in itself should show you what a bunch of nut jobs jws are. My dear, there is no reasoning with the unreasonable. Please remember that.

I already don't know how to explain her relationship with her own son when he gets older and questions things... "Grandma won't talk to Daddy because he had you?" Yeah, like that isn't baggage! I also won't have my child used as a pawn.

Simply tell your son the truth. It could go something like this: "Daddy's family belongs to a religious cult. And they don't like him, because your Daddy had the sense to make a normal life for himself." Period, end of story, because that is the truth of the matter.

My fiance and I both believe this is their choice, they have the ability to be a part of our lives, they have decided not to. But, it's hard on my fiance, and that breaks my heart. To hear them say they aren't happy the baby was born and they will not congratulate him... sickens me. What do I say to him to help? I stand by his side, listen and do what I can. But really what do you say? I guess I'm so new to this whole organization and mind control, it's hard to get used to...

You are doing everything you can for your fiance, but please, please, encourage him to post here. He will find lots of support and encouragement. If he is afraid to do so, give him my phone number, and I'll talk to him. I'll pm it to you. Just click on the blue envelope in the upper right hand corner, and click on the message. You'll probably get an error message, so press the back button on your browser and click on the message again. I've been out of the cult for 23 years and am probably his mother's age or older. In the few years that I've been on line in the exjw community, I've been a substitute mother for many people. As a matter of fact, there are a number of people on this very board who would love to be mother, father, brother, or sister to an exjw who needs one.

DaCheech

it's amazing how many experiences of JW's at the DC's there are, of THEM being persecuted?

"sister Slopo was a catholic, and when she decided to come to the kingdom hall, her husband beat her up"................ "she had to endure this for xx years".................

get my drift?

they do worse, and they poke at the others?

at least in the other's sistuation, they said "I do" in their previous faith in adulthood together!!!!

this guy was coerced into joining at 10?

now the wife is being berated?

Listener

But really what do you say?

We've been mostly talking about how to deal with your MIL but it sounds like you already have this side of it under control. You are saying that your main problem is to do with your husband and dealing with his feelings. You really do have a healthy relationship.

As you know it is very difficult for him and it is very hard to know how to deal with the pain he has. Encourage him to talk about it and this may help to get it off his chest. Just be there to cry with him and laugh with him. The healing process is long and hard, that is the power of the cult influence. Point out how you have the opportunity of protecting your son from going through what he went through.

darth frosty

OTWO-These situations are so tough. You want to be fair in recognizing that your son's grandmother wants to be a part of his life, but she's in a dangerous mind-control cult and doesn't respect many aspects of your life. She will attack beliefs behind your back if she is allowed unsupervised visits with the grandson. She will try to make him believe that birthdays and holidays are evil.

This is so true!

Its sad you have to guard your kids against their grand parents but its true. You will have to de-program them each time they have a visit. I have a friend who has 2 kids and all his family pressures her to come back for the kids they are so worried about the kids (ironically to condemn them to the same hell.)

Advice for a non-witness dealing with a fiance's witness family

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