That whole first paragraph is a parent's frustrated cry. I've commisserated with dozens of single parents in similar situations over the years. The judge has asked you two to try communication first. It's a lot cheaper than the legal route. Continue to diarize his failures if it ever does come to court.
You may never get complete custody of your children. I suggest, besides the legal options, to flesh out your "Plan B" where your XH will continue to be involved (unreliably and marginally) in your children's lives.
- Set up exchanges so your children are not dependent on dad showing up.
- Continue therapy to help the children decompress and come to an understanding on what is going on.
Concentrate on what is in your control and do your best to let the rest slide. Children are smarter than we think and come up with remarkable coping mechanisms. Some children, even in highly toxic environments, survive and thrive by hanging on to a single positive role model. Be that role model for your children.
I rode bus for over ten years with a woman who (unjustly) lost custody of her children through lies and deceit by her ex. Almost a dozen years later, she finally achieved full custody. But at what cost? The oldest were already in their late teens. Her only subject of conversation for a dozen years was all the injustices her ex had heaped on her. In my mind's eye I can see that woman and her ex in front of the judge, accusing and counter-accusing in an endless battle. I had to pull her back to ask how the children were handling it? What price did their children pay? Their entire childhood was consumed by a toxic tug of war. No matter what your ex's faults are, making uneasy peace is better.
My ex is an abusive schizophrenic and drug user. I was given custody and I was to grant visitation at my discretion. I chose to use his paranoid delusions to my advantage and decided I would not set up visitation until he asked. He never asked. At the same time, I told my children if they ever wanted to meet their father, I would arrange it. They never asked. When my son was an adult, he arranged a visit on his own and sees his dad regularly to his day. Not always to his benefit.
I point these two stories out to demonstrate how very, very difficult it is to achieve sole custody with no visitation. Trust your knowlege of your XH's unreliability. Trust me, as the children get older and more high-maintenance, he won't keep up the sham. He'll be happy to dump the responsibility on you. Your job is to help your children see that his behavior is not a rejection of them, but more a reflection of who he is.
