Im a newbie, looking for courage to sever the ties with JWs...help?

by Pams girl 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Pams girl

  Hi, Im Paula from Wales, UK. Ive been studying for 6 years with JWs. They came at a vulnerable time, my best friend died in a car accident when she was 6 monthes pregnant, I was drinking heavily, no work due to agoraphobia, meddling with the ouija board etc....I felt they helped me, cured me if you like. I enjoyed the friendship, and attended meetings, lost my worldly friends, stopped drinking, got my act together etc. However, the bottom line is that due to agoraphobia and panic attacks, I simply couldnt go out on the ministry. This was the beginning of the problem.

  They encouraged me to study with my 7 year old son, as my hubby wasnt interested. Things kinda plodded on for a few years, I went to meetings and assemblies when I could, and always attended the memorial. Things came to a head 2 years ago. My mother was in intensive care dying, and I left her to attend the assembly (July 2009). God forgive me. I hope she does too.....Im so sorry mum.

  I began drinking again, but hid it well. I asked the girl I study with for a bible for my son, the kids bible. She informed me that basically, unless I regularly attended meetings etc, they would not give me a bible for him! I couldnt believe what I was hearing! Hypocrites!! They told me it was my responsibility to "Train him up..", yet basically tried to blackmail me. That was the beginning of the end. I learned that they couldnt care less about my agoraphobia, they just wanted bums on seats. I questioned them about breastfeeding, as breast milk contains leukocytes...thats right...WHITE BLOOD CELLS....they didnt like that one bit. People stopped calling, and I stopped going to meetings .I dont study anymore, as my friend said shed taught me all she knew, and it was now up to me, but we are still friends, and I see her ocassionally. They have sucessfully isolated me from everyone else.

  Heres the info I have. How do I tell my friend? Im afraid of shunning. Im afraid Im going to get so angry that I post these facts all around the village where I live......here they are......

  I know of an elder and his wife who distribute the betterware catalogue at Christmas, promoting gifts.

  I know of a sister who is addicted to pain medication

  I know of a brother who smokes dope

  I know of a sister who has over 150 worldy friends on facebook, one of them in a santa suit!

  I know of a sister who gives her kids xmas gifts on boxing day "so her kids dont feel left out"...left out of what? Pagan xmas??? Theres a few more, but Ive gone on too long already. In the beginning they said "WE LOVE YOU ANYWAY" now its 2WE ONLY LOVE YOU IF.......".....its upsetting me and I keep trying to get the courage up to come clean. Of course, nobody will believe me, and I will be labelled a trouble maker etc, and shunned...its really making my anxiety and panic hit the roof. The last 3 times I saw my friend I was so close to telling her, I just can bring myself to do it, and she just lost her mum, so timing not good. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME??? Thank you so much xxxx
• 

  Murray Smith

  Hi Pams girl, Your at a good place . . . lot's on here will have "been there" . . .you'll see.

  Don't panic there though girl, keep calm and in control . . . don't be in a hurry . . . don't let that "anxiety" climb on you . . . you're in control really . . . you do things at your pace.

  Forget about the ratbags in your area for now . . . you won't suprise too many here.

  Sounds like you've been given a bit of space . . . use it to your advantage now . . . at least your not being hasseled . . . and don't give in to guilt . . . your life is your business.

  Take a deep breath . . . things will get better.

  Loveonya
• 

  alanv

  Hi Pams girl,

  Welcome to the site. I am so sorry for all you have been through. I too neglected my family, because we were taught to always put the organisation first. It really was not your fault that you could not be with your mother at the end of her life. You were a victim as are so many others to this organisation.

  I have been out 15 years now, and boy I am so glad I left. You will find there is so much they have not told you, and now thanks to the internet you will be able to see for yourself the societies terrible history and read about the thousands that have died because of their false promises.

  Please stick around here, you will get as much help and support as you want. Many on here will have gone through much of what you had to endure and they can tell you how they have been able to restart their lives again.

  I wish you well, and thanks for sharing.
• 

  four candles

  Hi Paula...welcome to the site. There are a lot on here with the same problems...us faceless bods can give you support and advice.

  Did you get baptised?? If not then no problem,just walk away. Don't worry overly...some don't shun if you did get dunked.

  She informed me that basically, unless I regularly attended meetings etc, they would not give me a bible for him!

  Load of Tosh!!! Don't know where they get that from!! I got one for my new born son in '88,and even though he is not a witness either,he still has that bible.

  Hang in there,kid....you're not alone.
• 

  jws

  I'd say you're in a good position. They're leaving you alone. You can fade away.

  You sound like you've done some reading on the internet and I'm not sure how much you know, but make sure you keep reading until you realise you never want to go back.

  As for other JWs breaking their rules, probably best to let it go. Some of those people may be unhappy JWs wanting out, but succumbing to the pressures from others to stay in.

  The girl who has 150 Facebook friends may be building up a life outside of JWs for the day when she may eventually be shunned. The guy smoking dope. Well, that's his life, his escape. I'd only have a problem with the person adicted to pain killers. And that's for her safety.

  I might not be too thrilled if these same people were all doing the holier-than-thou thing while doing these things in secret. But better to just leave them be.

  If you quietly fade away, you have the best of both worlds. You get to go do what you want and they will still talk to you. Even if most of those encounters may involve some begging to come back.

  Hang in there. Welcome, and stick around.
• 

  Pams girl

  Thanks all for the warm welcome, I cant begin to tell you what it means that I can tell the truth without fear. I didnt get baptised, no.

  Im actually sitting here, crying. Im starting to remember all the things I did while involved with them. The worst one is they made me get rid of the beautiful diamond and gold cross that my hubby got me for our wedding in 2000. He doesnt even know I havent got it.

  Also, I will never forget the look on my little boys face when I told him we wouldnt be with his daddy in the new earth as he didnt believe. Poor kid broke down. Oh Im so ashamed.

  I am starting to read things on here, and I have to tell you Im rubbish using forums etc, Im still finding my feet, so forgive my mistakes.

  I will keep my head down for now with the JWs. I will continue to read up and research the posts on here. Thank God I found you.

  The memorial is coming up. Im due a visit soon from someone, got to get bums on seats!! I will simply tell the truth..I cant very well go into Gods house when Im tranquilized can I? Be disrespectful to God. (I take anti-histamines to help with anxiety, they make me a bit drowsy).

  Im sure this is all a bit mild compared to some stories, and Im sure youve heared it all before. Is is ok to still use my bible? I guess not, as it was written by men withouth credentials. Oh Im so confused. I dont know where to start, so many questions. Do I continue on this thread with my questions etc? Think I would get confused otherwise. Thank you all once again for finding the time to reply to me. Best wishes, Paula.x
• 

  Millions

  Hi Paula, UK member here too, not too far away in the south west. Was a witness for many years but stopped associating about 3 years ago.

  Sounds like there are two aspects to your story. Number one is that you have had a lot of trauma in your life, and you have needed and still need help to deal with that. Which led you to number two, studying with the JWs partly in order to get help with things.

  You are absolutely right in your assessment of the Witnesses. The bottom line is that they want you attending regularly and progressing swiftly towards baptism, as once you are fully in they can then apply pressure on you properly. All the while you are just studying or an 'interested person' or a Memorial attender, you can just walk away and they don't have any hold on you. They want you to join fully, get their numbers up, be a 'success' story for their efforts in the ministry. And then the organisation can control you more effectively.

  So it's a damn good job you didn't get baptised! You have avoided an awful lot more pain and heartache in the long run.

  Firstly then, you need to seek PROFESSIONAL HELP with your problems in life. Elders and other JWs are NOT professionals, they do NOT know how to help people effectively in any way at all. All they know is what the Watchtower literature says, which is mainly nonsense or things copied from other sources. There are medical professionals who can help you with your panic attacks/agoraphobia, with your drinking problem if you still have one, and with any emotional trauma related to the loss of your mum or your friend. Go to your GP, explain everything, they will be very sympathetic and put you in touch with the right people who will help you properly. And there will be no hidden agenda from them.

  Secondly you need to sever your contacts with the JWs, they will only try and discourage you from seeking medical help, and try to get you back in with them. Even now you are feeling anger towards them which is taking up your energy and occupying your mind. Your focus now needs to be on yourself and on your son. Get yourself emotionally well and happy again, and you will be making a better life for your little family. Then you can look forward and work out what to do in life. But you need to look at your problems and get help with them first.

  And see if you can get in touch with any of your former friends, ones that you trust and could talk to. Explain to them what happened with the JWs and how they encouraged you to shun your friends at the time. The JWs get us thinking that everyone outside the congregation is dangerous, well you know that isn't true from the past, but it can still play on the mind. Make new friends, meet up with old ones, start building yourself a new life outside of the witnesses again. So many here have done it, and are happier than they ever were before :)

  PS Years ago I used to conduct a Bible study with a young mother who suffered from panic attacks, yes I know I should have handed it over to a sister but studies were hard to come by in our territory! >.< This young lady suffered terribly as she tried to attend meetings and come on the ministry, I really tried to encourage her as much as possible, but it was awful for her, her palms would sweat profusely even on the way to the hall let alone sat inside, which made her embarrassed and so it got worse, until she couldn't cope and had to walk out, which was even more embarrassing, etc etc. I'm sure you know how it goes. She managed the ministry twice I think in total. In the end I think I stopped the study as it wasn't getting anywhere, and she really seemed to become a lot happier again, thank god for that in hindsight! So I know how hard that can be.
• 

  wasblind

  Welcome Pams girl,

  when I started studying with the JW's I was already on one Blood pressure pill

  dealing with them and all their requirements just to recieve Gods love led me to

  being on two different types of blood pressure pills. about six months after I quit

  dealing with them, I am now back down to one blood pressure pill, they were bad

  for my health.

  If you are still drinking, the added stress from the JW's will not help your situation

  once you cut them loose you will feel as if a load has lifted, and then you can seek

  help for your drinking. I'm glad you here and I wish you the best

  " The worst one is they made me get rid of the beautiful diamond and gold cross that my hubby got me for our wedding in 2000."

  Yes Pam, I had to get rid of every cross in my house, they are just as scared of the cross as a Vampire would be, they just destest

  the cross
• 

  wasblind

  And talkin' about the Cross, they have the nerve to say " If your loved one died in a car you wouldn't want that car around

  as a reminder" they failed to realize that the cross means a chance at everlasting life not death
• 

  Pams girl

  Hi thanks again for your care. Im Paula by the way, Pam was my lovely mum.x

  Im an ex-neurosurgical nurse. These days i do silk flowers (floristry) from home. My drinking is fine now. I take BP and cholesterol tabs. My panic is up a bit, but Im ususally well controlled. Ive already had lots of help for my agoraphobia. The JWs just dont understand though. They told me to pray for Jahs HS, but seeing as Im not better, they look at me with distain, like I havent tried hard enough.

  Im grateful for any helps/hints and all your suggestions. Im quite cerebral, and after I lost my nursing career, I guess study with the JWs filled that gap for me. Im trying to add info to my date of birth and biography but cant see how to do it, and chance that profile pic. Can someone help?

  I tried to post on technical help, but Im only allowed one post a day. Told you I was rubbish at this stuff!

  Thanks all, Paula x