Hi doubtful
I totaly endorse what Chris has just said. Trust yourself.
And don't let the scripture about the heart being treacherous jump into your mind to put you off here. You are an intellecual, intelligent being with (if you believe) God-given abilities to reason and research. You are on a good path right now even though it may be a bumpy ride before you reach the end. Keep going and it will get better, I promise! You may not end up knowing all the answers, but thats ok. You will end up happier and content with all that life has to offer you.
oh, and WELCOME! Thank you for your story, you write so well.